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Handle This: He Admits to Having a Crush on Another Girl

You and your boyfriend have always valued honesty above all else, so when he starts acting somewhat distant, you’re quick to inquire as to what’s going on. At first he shrugs and says it’s nothing, but after a few more weeks of the same behavior, you’re concerned.

When you ask him to confide in you, he reluctantly reveals that he has a crush on another girl. He didn’t want to tell you because he knew it would pass eventually, but he’s had her on his mind. How would you handle this?


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Kym2289037 Kym2289037 7 years
Srara... great point! I agree but to a point.... I still think that we are raised to think things like... he is supposed to look at noone but me... when that isnt realistic at all. Infact, i think that sets everyone up for failure. What a guy, ( or girl for that matter ) fantasizes about is no ones business but that persons. Everyone is going to fantasize, and get butterflies, when they are attracted to somone. Everyone is going to be attracted to someone other then their significant other. I really trully think it only becomes a problem, if someone acts on it. Falling in love cannot be controlled, but staying in love, and being committed is a choice, and work... beautiful work, but no-one owns anothers heart.
Kym2289037 Kym2289037 8 years
Ok, when i was younger i would have said, i would kick him to the curb, end of story. Now however, i dont know if it is that simple, or that cut and dry. I think it is totally normal to have crushes while in love with your significant other, it is whether or not we act on them that matters. I used to think that what ever guy I was with better only have eyes for me, if he didnt then he didnt love me enough. That isnt true though. The problem occurs when someone is looking outside of the relationship for something that is lacking within. You can be head over heels in love and commited, and have this happen. We all need to be a little more understanding, and a little less controlling. If he , or she is looking outside a loving relationship, it just means that there is a problem that is not being dealt with. Simple as that. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we can recover. The only time I would RULE out a relationship with someone i love would be when it is abusive. That is never ok.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
I believe that if you're crushing on someone else theres something seriously wrong with your current relationship. And that you're a dickwad for thinking of someone else. In my eyes crushing leads to cheating so anytime it happens you should reassess your current relationship and if you want to keep it then put in the effort to make it work.
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
Lickety split your story was funny as hell!!!! :rotfl: I don't know, I think it's infatuation and it'd would probably pass but if you're unhappy, then leave. No reason to be young and unhappy.
Marci Marci 8 years
I agree with geebers about lickety's story. LOVE the part of what you told when she asked how your spring break was! :D :D Then he turns out to be gay! Love it. Personally, I think once your boyfriend has crushes on other people, it's time to move on. Who needs a guy who's thinking about someone else?
geebers geebers 8 years
lickety split - your story was awesome. I mean - it is like a freaking sitcom haha. It isnt the crush part that bothers me- it is his distance. That is a really bad sign and I would leave. I dont deal with distance and coldness well at ALL.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Only an unfeeling, insensitive jacka$$ would even utter this to his girlfriend. WHat do you expect, a pat on the back?
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 8 years
If he has a passing attraction to another woman, that is understandable. But he's had another girl on his mind for weeks? And he's acting distance towards me? No, way! I would leave. If I'm not good enough that he can't keep his attention on me, then his interest is waning, and I take that as a bad sign.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Ha! My ex boyfriend was in LIMERANCE (not love, limerance... he was addicted to the thought of her) with this girl who he swore he was over when we started dating. It crashed to a head about 3 months later though when she said she "sometimes thought about kissing him" and he went nuts. He swore to me again though that he loved me and blah blahblah. Anyway, I tolerated the paranoia and insecurity and jealously for another 13 months before we broke up. Sure enough he tried pursuing her because it turned out her long-term boyfriend had been semi-cheating on her behind her back through a BDSM website. Rofl. She rejected him. Again. She's rejected him numerous times and each time apologised to me for his behaviour. I finally met her (only talked on messenger before) after the break up and when I had gotten with somebody new (incidentally, his best friend who I'd fancied the whole time we were together...) and she was apologetic and scared of me. ;p I'm only not affected by it now because I know I could totally take her and I should thank her really for taking such a DOUCHEBAG out of my life. ;p Only, he's still in my life. He's my boyfriend's best friend after all. He set us up though. It's cool. Ahh, therapy.
courtneyh courtneyh 8 years
Funny. that just happened to me. and I dropped him like a hot potato
windynini windynini 8 years
Yeah, I think I would also die inside. That's just too painful. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And of course I would totally tell him off and never want to see him again.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
Uh, Goodbye! I'm still too young for that kind of sh!t. Got plenty of good years ahead of me.
foudini foudini 8 years
Some people don't have the courage to break-up when they want to so they consciously or sub-consciously find a way to force the issue. It sounds like this guy is looking for a way out and this is the only way his yellow-self could do it. People look at people all the time and some find others attractive. End of story. Developing a fixation that starts becoming more important than one's relationship is a serious red flag. Certainly the severity of the crush is important as is the proximity of the crush to the couple. Some couples are able to move past admitting crushes and have successful, more honest relationships. However, one must seriously question the motivation of even admitting a crush. What purpose would it serve? For most couples it creates discord. It seems the adage, "some things are better left unsaid" really applies here.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
well personally - i can be overly sensitive since i've had a LOT of guys in my past cheat on me because they've had crushes - even when they don't pan out for them. i think that it's a tough situation to be in - cause you don't want to lose what you have for a crush - especially if he hasn't acted on it - but i think that if he's thinking about someone else that much, then it's time to have a talk and figure out what's going on.
leeluvfashion leeluvfashion 8 years
Break-up. He would be a waste of time.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
yeah, if you are just in the dating phase i think you have to end it. in college i remember my bf telling me (finally after me pestering him about their friendship) that if he and i weren't dating he would be dating her (ho-bag-slut, forget her actual name). then he added "but we ARE dating so who cares?" ah that would be me. she kept showing up everywhere we went, lunch, clubs, parties at his faternity house. then over spring break he went to vegas and i stayed at school to study. after break we went to drop something off at a friends and i got bored waiting in his car and opened the center console between the seats; a whole role of film with the 2 of them together in vegas (other friends of our were there too). she was sitting on his lap, arms around each other, etc. i was so freaking pissed. i put the pictures in my purse and never mentioned them :innocent: ho-bag-slut and i were both cheerleaders so at the next practice she comes up to me and asked how my spring break was. i lied and said "well i spent so much time on the phone with steve in vegas that it took up my whole vacation. i don't think he had a very good time, he was telling me about some girl that was following him around and grabbing on to him that he felt embarassed. but he missed me and brought me back some really sweet gifts. how was your vacation?" i never let on that i knew about him in vegas with ANYONE. we had all the same "friends" and i knew if one person found out that would be it. so i played along like we were the happy couple and let her twist in the wind a little bit. then right before the spring formal, after i knew she had another date i dumped my LOSER boyfirend, no reason given. and guess what, we were all wasting our time because bf is gay. married his long time partner recently.
chy1 chy1 8 years
i agree with skigurl i believe i would die too. It would really make my self esteem go way down. like why is he looking at others if I am the one he's with? what did I do wrong? Then I would dump his sorry ass and tell his wondering eye to leave before I blacken it...
myystque myystque 8 years
Two years ago, my boyfriend starting hanging around a coworker A LOT and I suspected he had a crush on her. I did not handle the situation well and we broke up (due to a lot of fighting, much of which was about his relationship with her). Two weeks after we broke up, he finally admitted to me that he had a crush on her. We were apart for over a month and then yes, I took him back. At that time it was probably premature, but we are still together now and I know he no longer likes her (plus, she lives in a different state) and that he loves only me.
Seka21 Seka21 8 years
Eghm.. am i the only one who would consider castration?? I need to be 1st. I need to feel secure enough to know that im not his second choice or his attentions are elsewhere. I would die inside of devestation, DUMP him, stay in bed crying 3 months, fall in love with someone 10 times better and then watch in satisfaction as he comes crawling back telling me i was always 'the one' and that he was just scared.. they ALWAYS do.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
Say buh-bye!
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 8 years
this isnt just a "im attracted to him, hes charming" crush. this is something thats got him thinking about her ALL THE TIME and hes being distant with his gf. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE! the first is normal the latter is when u break up
itsme3683 itsme3683 8 years
I agree with GlowingMoon. I mean I've had little crushes on guys since I've been with my boyfriend but I would never have even considered acting on it because I love my boyfriend. If you talk to him and it was just a fleeting attraction then you're fine. If he legitimately wants to be with her instead of you then your obviously have a problem.
designerel designerel 8 years
Hmm I agree with GlowingMoon. I think maybe thinking someone is attractive is ok, but crushes are deeper. It would definitely lead to breakup.
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