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Handle This: You Hate Your Engagement Ring

Although you knew you and your boyfriend would be getting married in the near future, recently he surprised you with a proposal. You were thrilled, but the ring leaves something to be desired. It’s not your style and not very pretty. You were going to ask him if you could return it, but then he told you it was a family heirloom — his grandmother’s ring! Your friends say it would be too horrible to say something, but you really don’t like it! How would you handle this?


ipomoea13 ipomoea13 8 years
You gotta say what's on ur mind. Holding things in and playing games is not good. When my fiance (now husband) gave me his mom's old ring, I secretly hated it but didn't say a word. It was old and scratched and honestly sort of embarassing. I was miserable and couldn't stop staring at other rings. Finally I spoke up (nicely) and he got me a new one. I felt like a harpie, but I'm glad I have a new one. It's like getting a tattoo, u know? You should like this thing if it's gonna be on your finger everyday for ur entire life.
Pyxi Pyxi 8 years
If the relationship is so fragile and patriarchal that you actually rely on him to choose the ring (most men have NO idea about rings) and you haven't discussed getting engaged in advanced like emotionally mature couples do, then you shouldn't be getting engaged yet. Quite frankly, I don't think a proposal to get married should be a suprise. If it is, you have no business starting out a shared life together. The decision to marry should be discussed in depth, together, for ages before you decide you want to marry him anyway. If you haven't discussed marriage, you have no business getting engaged, because THAT's what getting engaged means - "We're getting married soon." You need to agree on LOTS of things before you decide he is worthy of a lifetime of your beautiful 100% love. One of these agreements is THE RING you will wear to symbolise your commitment to him. No man should be left to his own devices when it comes to choosing the ring. Who wants someone else's ring anyway? Who are you getting engaged to, his Gran (her ring)? NO. Who wants someone elses history on their finger? Even if it is a masisve rock, at least have it re-set in a design you like. If money is an issue, you can both decide on a solid gold ring with a zircon or cultured diamond instead of a diamond, with the aim to put a fabulous diamond in later or just get a better ring in 5 years time, at least it'll be a setting you really like and it'll look great without the debt. By the time you decide to get engaged, you should know each other so well that you KNOW he wouldn't do anything so stupid or inconsiderate as to choose you ring for you. You should both have had the fun of window shopping rings so you can show him the designs you like. The way to do this, over time, is to declare "Cool, shiny things!" and skip over to the shop window. He won't come the first couple of times, but if you babble on about a setting you really like, he'll eventually want to see it and obviously you should have more that one you like, so you can include his choices and selections. After a couple of times, he will be stressing about price and you can whisper to him whilst looking at diamonds that the two of you can look at non-diamonds and he can buy a nice diamond in a few years time. That's when you show him the non-diamond ring you've set your heart on ages ago and pronounce quietly that THAT'S the one you want "when we get engaged". His relief will be palpable. The right man for you will want to please you, they are really sweet that way. But if you don't tell him what you like, how the heck can he know what you like? They don't think like we do. So you HAVE to let him to know that you want your own ring design choice, and if he is stupid or arrogant enough to present a ring you don't like, when you've worked SO hard to tell him what you like and what you'll accept, DON'T marry him yet. You MUST consider if he really cares about you and what you think, because he won't change. IF he still still gives you THAT ugly ring, you should know each other well enough for you to tell him where to put that ring. What you want in a legal partnership that will create wealth and a fabulously happy family when the rugrats arrive in the future, is a willingness to compromise, research and each GIVE 150% of yourselves to each other and the marriage. The RING is the start of all that, and YOU have to wear it, so you may as well take the time to tell him what design you like. THEN, when you get what you want, show him the ring on your hand with delight a million times a day until he just looks at you indulgently (instead of just pleased with himself). That's when he starts thinking about the next shiny thing you may like..... and your job is to say NO. No more shiny things except on really special occassions, because YOU don't want to waste his hard-earned money on meaningless shiny things. It is now YOUR job to find out what he really, really wants and make that come true. Because in order for him to make your dreams of marriage, home and family, HE has to give up his dream of sleeping with as many beautiful women as he can. This is when you start to earn that diamond/future diamond ring!!! Incidentally, a diamond engagement ring should cost 3 months salary, so have a look at diamond rings in that price range. Then, if money is short, choose a zircon ring that looks like it is a real 3 month salary diamond ring and this is when you agree together that you WON'T TELL ANYONE what it really is.
pharmacymom pharmacymom 8 years
My fiance and I were out one evening and we knew we were getting engaged soon, so I asked if we could stop and look at some rings. He agreed. I picked one out that was my absolute dream ring and I could see his heart kind of sank, but I didn't know soon as we got home, he shuffled around in the closet and produced an engagement ring (!) that he had bought a month earlier and had wanted to keep hidden until my birthday. He was so disappointed that the ring I picked out that evening looked nothing like the ring he had bought for me and was afraid I wouldn't like it. Honestly, I wasn't thrilled about his ring, but I think it was just because I was so hung up on the one at the jeweler's that I hadn't considered liking anything different. He offered to exchange it, and I really considered it for a few days...but when I put that ring on my finger, I fell in love with it. It grew on me. It's more of a sentimental thing...thinking about him out there shopping for a ring, wanting to make me happy, wanting to marry sweet!
LadyAngel89 LadyAngel89 9 years
If the ring does bother you that much, and you can't be honest with him about it without fear of him getting so upset that he can't work through it. Then why did you say yes? There are going to be much more important things down the road than a ring that will have to be worked through together and you can't tell him the truth about how you feel about a ring. Maybe talk about a compromise, same stone different setting, or even a separate ring and keep that one to pass along to a child. There are many many ways of going about this, but lying about loving it is not one of them unless you're prepared to be happy about the thought he put into it and the thought his family invested in it.
jessie jessie 9 years
i guess it would depend on the type of person you are.....if you are know to just spout out your opinion no matter what, and your boyfriend knows that...what would be stopping you anyways.... but if you complain about the ring to much, you might make the man think he's not right for you when he really is.....sometimes its just best to just grin and bear it. its not all about the ring....alot of people forget that...sure its great to show your family and friends, its about the man who gave it to you and its about the BOTH of you if it would bother a person that bad, when you got married, just wear a wedding band a put the engagment ring away. :shrug:
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Me and my boyfriend discussed engagement the other night and he said he believes the ring should be 3x monthly wage (as is traditional?) and I was like "THATS FREAKING INSANE" and he said "yes, but it's supposed to be a show of how much the other person is worth to you". I didn't have anything to say to this at the time (apart from THATS INSANE) because I was drunk but then I got to pondering. How do you show somebody what they are worth? I thought well you can't really do it through a material item can you? I don't place much value on material items. He criticises me for eating jam and stuff across my MacBook but it's only a freaking computer. I could go buy another one tomorrow if it busted or get it fixed or whatever. I'll only use it for a couple of years so who cares? It's functional and that's where it ends! Then I figured that I would tell him the next time we had an "engagement" discussion that I maintain that so much emphasis being placed on the cost of the ring is INSANE and that you show somebody what they are worth to you through your actions, not through material possessions. His monthly income is like £1600 so £1600x3 = The wedding paid for?! If he picked me out a ring (an expensive one, as detailed in my little blahblahblah) and I hated it or he gave me a family heirloom that was UGLY then I would tell him. I would look at it and maybe try it on for size for a week or two but if I really wasn't feeling it then I would just tell him. I have a problem in that I do not typically wear jewellery so I have no idea what kind of ring he would buy me anyway. I would feel honoured to have anything he chose on my finger... a family heirloom less so. Blahblahblah~
divinelight divinelight 9 years
I don't even want a diamond ring. I hate the diamond industry and what it represents. How they have managed to convince people that diamonds are so necessary and must be given for an engagement is ridiculous (and an amazing feat). If it was a family heirloom I would accept the ring. I don't care if it isn't my style. I have more important things to worry about.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
Fallen: "I dont think the question is shallow OR stupid. I think it's realistic. I like these questions from DearSugar becuase it makes me think "what if" and so in the future if something like this happens, I'll have thought it through already, heard other opinions and will be able to react in a reasonable way instead of reacting purely by emotion." Agreed. Since I have now had the time to read this topic and think about it: This wouldn't happen to me, because I would discuss the topic with my bf/future husband ahead of time and tell him that I don't want any kind of heirloom ring, I want it to be about us, not his family...I'm not marrying his family. You know, sometimes I think it would be a good idea to give every dearsugar post I've ever written to my bf, then he would know exactly what I think about everything! lol! :) No problems.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 9 years
I totally agree bluestar! Luckly for me the diamond fell out one day so I HAD to get a new ring but this time I was right there to choose the one I wanted. I tell ya, God works in mysterious ways! ha!
Dr-No Dr-No 9 years
Oops! I rambled on and forgot to answer the question! I would just wear it! It has so much sentimental value, I would be honored! So what if it isn't my style? Styles change so quickly I'm sure it will be "in" one day! And then all my friends would be jealous!
Dr-No Dr-No 9 years
I agree with javsmav. I think diamond engagement rings are unnecessary. I even told my boyfriend that I would prefer something colorful! Diamonds aren't even worth what they cost--they aren't as rare as DeBeers wants us to think! I would much rather we spend that money on a house than on a teeny-tiny stone.
javsmav javsmav 9 years
I think engagement rings are a huge waste of money & would be thrilled to receive a family heirloom.
Meike Meike 9 years
I would wear it proudly but alas, we don't do diamond engagement rings. It is not traditionally part of either of our cultures. The history of the diamond engagement ring isn't even a good one.
Mesayme Mesayme 9 years
As to the value...I'm going to consider his car. If he'll pay $40K for his car that probably won't last 20 years. Don't expect me to wear a ring less than that for the rest of my life... which may be for me another 64 years!!! Otherwise, get me a cheaper ring and drive a $20K car. LOL
Mesayme Mesayme 9 years
wait hold heirloom, grandma's ring! I read it too fast the first time...keep the ring. Wear it. My aunt has a ring made from her husbands mother's jewels from her blouse (I think that's right or dress maybe) and it is original and special. (they were members of the royal family in Burma in the early 1900's and that's their legacy so no way should you be shallow when it comes to legacy) Like babysoftpink said...I'd wear it for awhile, then wear it on special occasions on my right ring finger.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 9 years
take the ring, accept his proposal, get married. Once all the dusts have settled, I would put this ring that has so much sentimental meanings in the safety deposit box, then use extra cash left from the wedding and buy yourself a nice ring together with husband. :)
lemamike lemamike 9 years
I would probably be honest. I know that my boyfriend would want to know his money went to something that i loved and would want to wear. Not to say that i wouldnt want to wear something I didn't like and it's not about being selfish I just think in the long run your boyfriend would want to know that you absolutely love your ring and the money has not been wasted on something you don't like.
aka-Daria aka-Daria 9 years
my mom barely upgraded her wedding ring...cost my dad a cool grand i think, they've been married...22 years I think...she doesn't even wear the damn thing. Neither of my parents wear their wedding rings now that I think about it.
ilanac13 ilanac13 9 years
well i think that there's something to be said about getting something that's been in the family for ages, but i think that maybe it's something to think about that maybe on an anniversary you can upgrade. my fiance knows that i LOVE my ring but that if we had more money i would like to get it reset with a pave set (i think that's how you spell it) where there are diamonds around the big stone. that's something that we've talked about doing in like 5-10 maybe that's something that you can talk about doing in the future as well.
aka-Daria aka-Daria 9 years
To those who said "wrong ring, wrong guy" I am seriously having trouble understanding that. I mean, if he was a wrong guy before he so selfishly gave you something that belonged to his family instead of going into debt getting some ridiculous looking ring, that you'll probably never wear because once it effs up your favorite sweater from pulling it...shouldn't you have already dumped him? I mean, I'd be stoked on life if my guy proposed and gave me a ring pop...flavor/color would not matter.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I still don't understand why men have to express their love with expensive jewelry.
katysoup katysoup 9 years
My engagement ring isn't my style at all. It's yellow gold, which I've always disliked and it's very old fashioned looking, but I absolutely love it. Every time I look at it I think of the night my husband proposed, and our entire life together. Oh, and the fact that his mom offered up her great grandmother's ring made me feel so great. I'm the fifth generation to wear it!
candace87 candace87 9 years
I don't understand how an engagement ring can be ugly. Engagement rings generally arent huge and gaudy like old people jewellery. But if I were in this situation, since it's an heirloom, I'd just accept it. If he bought something that was just absoloutly not my style, I'd be honest.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
wow "wrong ring, wrong guy" thats incredibly shallow. Has no one ever seen the count of monte cristo when he gives a peice of thread off her dress? And she never takes it off? That is so romantic. I wouldnt care what the ring looked like, as long as I knew I was truely in love with the person, and that he felt the same about me...that would be enough for me.
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