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Handle This: Your Mom Doesn't Respect Your Relationship

Handle This: Your Mom Doesn't Respect Your Relationship

You've always had a hard time getting along with your parents and they've never loved any of the guys that you've brought home. It didn't bother you so much until now — You met someone who you've completely fallen in love with. He comes from a very different background than you do, and though your parents have never said anything directly, you can tell that they don't approve of him.

On a recent visit home, you and your mom get in to a deep and heartfelt conversation on the subject of marriage. You decide to confide in her that you think your current boyfriend is the one that you want to settle down with. A loud and angry fight ensues, which your mom ends by stating, "I don't know why we're arguing; it's not like you guys will last." It's one thing not to love your boyfriend, but it's another thing not to have respect for your relationship or your investment in it. No one likes to disappoint their parents, but how would you handle this?


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purple-alpacas purple-alpacas 9 years
I FEEL SO HAPPY because i can relate to all the chinese girls here. My boyfriend is half guyanese half french so when i told my mother that she said 'you know, guyanese is black' but it's not...and she was like 'black people have a lot of single moms and white people are really open to sex' and i seriously wanted to wreak havoc. WHO COULD SAY SUCH A THING. but anyways my parents haven't even known my boyfriend for 24hrs but they think that they can judge him and know his personality right away (my mom is a psychiatric nurse, and she's also very egocentric). but they think that he's some sketchy guy who has no plans for the future and they are also REALLY worried about the social pressures they would receive if other people found out about him. QUOTE from mom, 'you walk around in public with him, like he's the ONE'...UH WHAT?! my dad freaked because he saw pictures of him hanging out with my scout friends (all asian), and my dad's in scouts so he's worried his reputation would fall. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE because! they're my scout friends but our hanging out has nothing to do with scout related shiznatch. this sort of sucks because i LOVE LOVE LOVE my family and it's a HUGE value in my life, but i'm not willing to sacrifice my forever happiness just to keep my parents happy until they die before me. i know that sounds really blunt but i'm not going to be sad forever so my parents could live out the rest of their much shorter lives slightly happier. i hope this makes all you guys feel better because my parents have never been happy with ANY of my bfs.
avocado_seed avocado_seed 9 years
I'm in the same boat with the difference culture... I don't even dare mention my boyfriend in front of my parents, especially my dad, and the occasional times that I have talked to my mom about him, she calls him my "friend". They obviously don't take it seriously and don't believe it will last. We've been together for almost two years. In my case, I don't believe my parents know me best because they have completely different beliefs about people and about myself, and only I know who I get along with and who makes me happy.
girlfriday girlfriday 9 years
Did your parents immigrate to the US or were they raised in a different culture? Cause I totally know how this goes - it's like, god forbid you should date someone who's not from their home country, let alone a different race or something. If this is the case, I definitely know how hard this is. But you gotta trust that your parents will come around - most will anyway. They just want to see their kids happy. I know that there's so much guilt associated with this, but you gotta go with who you love. Of course, like other people said, there's a possibility they don't like him because they see red flags - they could be wrong or right about those red flags. I think the best thing to do in this case is to sit down with your parents and find out what specifically they object to. You should also let them know how much it hurts when they make remarks like "it'll never last."
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i had this problem. my parents liked my husband until we got married, then my mom suddenly decided she didn't like him. for the next 7 years we didn't see them very often because my mom couldn't be respectful to my dh, even in front of my kids. i told her leave my house during one visit where she came w/o my dad. we didn't speak for nearly 6 months and she missed the birth of her 3rd grandchild during this time. finally after 10 years of marriage (a year ago this month) my mom changed her mind (no reason this time either). then last september she died very suddenly. she missed a lot of things with our family and her only grandchildren because of her uglyness. my dad goes on vacation with us and visits every month and it's great. her choice was to be ugly, mine was to protect my family. i have no regrets, but i bet she does.
MandyPinecone MandyPinecone 9 years
After meeting my husband for the first time my mother told me I shouldn't be with him, he was to old for me. she is with someone who is older then her. 2 1/2 years living with him she hasn't came to visit we live 2 hrs away. My Father or the rest of my family doesn't have a problem with him.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
babygiraffelegs - I am exactly in the same situation. My parents have not approved of any of my previous boyfriends, and my current one, because he isn't Chinese or of some Asian descent. My brother on the other hand was dating an Indo-Chinese girl for a year and a half and they loved her and supported them...I don't know what is up with parents like that, I know they want the best for us, but they should just let us make our own decisions and mistakes in life!
ilovecandyfloss ilovecandyfloss 9 years
My mom dislikes my boyfriend because of he's white (I'm chinese) and the fact that he doesn't come from an old money family. Its unfair, but what can you do? We've been together since the first year of college and its been almost 5 years. He's sweet, funny, hard-working, understanding, loving and generous, and offers to drive my parents to and from the airport EVERYTIME they go away, which is at least 10 times a year, even though he lives an hour further from the airport than they do! He gives her thoughtful presents on Mother's Day. He also got a great, well-paying job when he left college. I honestly don't know what he could possibly do for her to like him. You would think that the fact that he's polite, and respectful to her and my dad, and treats me like a princess would be enough... Sorry for the rant... but I know there are lots of you out there in the same sitch!
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
and if my mom or dad didn't like my guy, who cares. well, ok. i would be bummed if my dad didn't like him, because he's paying for the wedding . . . (smiles).
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
if you don't have the best relationship with your parents, then why are you bringing your BF around? why are you even visiting them? maybe i'm just not that open with ppl. if we butt heads, and i don't have to be around you, then i won't. and i'm sure as hell not looking for your approval. i never had this problem. mostly because i dont bring guys home to meet my parents (to my mother's dismay . . .she's afraid i'll never get married).
nourche nourche 9 years
brittb7...that's awful!! what a two-faced witch! Anyway chances are that I'd totally blow up at my mom. Since the situation Dear mentioned resembles mine a lot. Mom who's always nice to bf's face when in all reality I know that she can't wait for the two of us to break up :( Ugh!
shanimalcracker shanimalcracker 9 years
To be honest, I've always trusted my mom's opinion a lot and she is an extremely rational person so she doesn't have low views of others without reason. If my mom were to really not like someone I was dating, I would at least try to figure out why and see how that affected my views of that person.
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 9 years
This was the case with my last boyfriend. My mom did not approve and at times she decided she should be vocal about it. This always led to a fight.. I would always talk to my mom and be like, whatever your opinion is, please keep it to yourself. I understand that for whatever reason you don't like him, but he is the guy I've chosen and you need to respect that. And then for a while she would try, and I appreciated that. Sometimes she would slip up though. I like that a few people here have expressed that if their mother was like this they would see it as a serious red flag about their boyfriend. It's not that I didn't see what my mother saw about my boyfriend, but it was my choice whether I wanted to work through those issues with my guy, and it was my learning experience. Balancing between my boyfriend and my mom was hard, but in the end i guess she was right, and she was always there for me no matter what.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 9 years
Well, if you're truly in love and happy, then I'm sure your parents will come around :-) The only way I can see your mom being justified in what she said is if you go through guys quickly, or have a history that's similar to that.
Belle1031 Belle1031 9 years
Parents are parents and lover are lovers and there should be a fine line between the two. If I were in this situation I could respect my mothers opinion but I would not allow her to disrespect my man like that and vice versa. It has nothing to do with whether he is good or not, its bout letting me live MY life and if it turns out hes an ass then living with MY mistakes. It is my life an no one else is going to live it but me. I welcome advice, but imposing her advice is something I wouldn't allow. This is hard...choose between your parents, the people who brought you into this world and will always be there for you choosing the man you love and will become your husband. I'd choose....idk!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
On one hand, it's my life....and who I date is no one's business but my long as I'm happy, right? shouldn't that be the only thing that matters?? BUT... On the OTHER hand, my parents know me better than anyone else, and for them to get a bad vibe from a guy I'm seeing is a red flag....every guy that they've hated turned out to be bad in some way, and I came to see that all on my own. I used to convince myself that he was a great guy and blah blah, but in the end, I had to learn the hard way. And THERE THEY parents....saying TOLD U SO, but come here so we can hug u. lol. I cant help! my parents LOVE my fiance.
bikinib7 bikinib7 9 years
I'm in the same boat with a little twist. My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 and a half years and up until around the 2 year mark, his mother and I got along great. We would talk on the phone and meet up for lunch sometimes. One time when I was with him (he visits me at school on the weekends since we are an hour apart), his mom called and left a voicemail calling me a bitch. She even went as far as to say "Don't ask me for anything ever again until you and that little bitch are done!". She tells him that I use him and walk all over him and he treats me too good. She apologized after he yelled at her about it and said she was sorry and didn't mean it and wanted to take us out to lunch to apologize to me, AND THEN SHE CALLED HIM AGAIN THIS WEEKEND AND DID IT AGAIN! I was completely blown away by this because she was always very nice to me and we got along so great and now I'm a bitch. I have no idea what to do.. I've just quit going to their house and he comes to mine instead. It's a sucky situation :( :(
kgtg1 kgtg1 9 years
I can't imagine it either. My mother would never disrespect me like that. In fact, if it did somehow happen, I would probably have to reevaluate my relationship because I think that my mom knows best and for her to say that would mean something was definitely wrong. I'm sorry for the people in this situation, best of luck, and stay true to yourself.
kpenuell kpenuell 9 years
My mom was not like this until recently, the last 3 or so guys I dated. I would love to see advice on this. I am in the exact same boat!!! I hate it!!!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I cannot even imagine a world in which my mother would behave like this so I can't even pretend to know how I might respond. ashcwebb, I'm so sorry this is a real situation for you. What a nightmare.
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 9 years
I feel you Ash! My parents are like this too especially my Mom! Because we have money she feels like she has a right to be a B*tchy snob! I want to read everyone's responses as well.
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