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Having a Sex Life as an Adult Living at Home

"I Want to Have a Sex Life, but I Live at Home"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I have always believed that honesty is the best policy and pride myself on telling the truth. I know what it feels like to be lied to and do not want to make others feel that way. Having said that, I wonder if I made the right decision in this situation.

You see, I am a 26 year old who never found a full-time job after college and am still living with the parents. I was in a long-distance relationship with someone for 2.5 years and my parents constantly ask me if I was having sex and told me that I should wait. I should wait until reaching 100% financial independence, wait until knowing that we were going to get married, etc, etc.


I felt like my parents were overstepping their boundaries and that it was none of their business if I was or was not having sex. So, I lied to them and told them that I was not. The relationship ended and was my first sexual experience. Now, my parents go around saying " She broke up with him but at least they never had sex."

At 26, I feel shame at knowing that I did lie to them about having sex. At the same time, I feel like it's none of their business and that they should not be inquiring or speculating about the sex life of an adult. Where is the line between lying and keeping your private life private?

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testadura67 testadura67 5 years
I completely understand why you lied, and as I've never been in that situation, I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same. When living at home, to an extent, you do have to live by their rules. But I think that line is drawn at matters that pertain to your activities in their house. If they don't want you to have boys over, fine. If they want you home at a certain time, it sucks, but it's their house. What you do outside their home in your private life is not their business, and you have every right to tell them that. If they ask questions, simply tell them it's none of their business. Also, where is their concern coming from? Are they worried you'll get pregnant and there'll be a baby in their house as well? Is it a religious concern? Are they paranoid about STD's or a boy breaking your heart? Depending on where their concern is coming from, there may be a negotiation. Such as, if you get pregnant, this is the plan. Or if being candid is more your style, tell them exactly what you're doing to prevent STD's and unwanted pregnancy. Assure them you're only having sex in committed relationships (if that's the case). How candid you get with them would depend on the root of their concern. But either way, at the end of the day, it's none of their business. Whether or not you're living at home, you have a right to a private life, and they need to respect that. Just remember they're your parents, they're going to worry no matter what because they love you. The more reasons you give them to trust you, the easier it should be for them to trust that you can handle your personal life responsibly. 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
You need to tell your parents to mind their own business. Your sex life is not their business, whether you live in their home or not. The fact that you lied, tells me it's not only your parents who don't recognize healthy boundaries, it's also you. You are the one who needs to put up that boundary between you and them, and whether it's fear of their reaction, possibly inviting you to leave the security of their home, or just the fear of taking other steps to mature, it's in your balilwick. You are the one who decides what you tell your parents, and lying to them, and pretending to give them info about your relationship is something a 12 year old does. Time to grow up. You also need to do whatever it takes to get out of there and live on your own, even if that means working for McDonalds. Money is money, a job is a job, even if it isn't the start of a career. Finding a job, any job, is also going to make you feel better about yourself. It's taking a step towards maturity, and independence. Those things will certainly help you feel like an adult capable of forming adult boundaries with your parents. Making boundaries is a two way street. It's not just the job of parents to recognize that you're an adult, and treat you accordingly. It's also your job to act as a young adult, and lovingly point out to them that they're treating you as a child and they have overstepped a boudary. After all, would they ask any other living person of your age if she were a virgin? No, because it's not appropriate. It's up to you to teach them it's not appropriate with you either. Remember, the fact that they love you and support you and treat you as a daughter does not entitle them to intimate info about your sex life. It does entitle them to be concerned about your welfare, and their own financial capability to go on supporting an adult child. Boundaries to be made all around. Good luck with them, and with all you need to do!
BiWife BiWife 5 years
the economy sucks right now, and likely will suck for a while longer yet. that doesn't mean settle in and get ready for a long haul at home, it means you have to work that much harder to get and stay on your own two feet. As long as you live at home, they are going to have a certain eye into your private life (pretty obvious you're having sex when your significant other starts joining the breakfast table, etc). You're free to keep it outside the house (always sleeping over at your SO's place) and not tell your parents what is going on, but as long as you're living with them it is significantly different than what they would know of your day-to-day life if you are on your own. It doesn't make you a terrible person, but it might be a tough charade to keep up for extended periods of time. Look into roommates, perhaps, to afford a place of your own faster, but first things first, you've gotta find a job of some sort. I don't recommend unpaid internships as they are an intrinsically exploitative position (and who wants to work for a company that likes to exploit people?) and you can gain experience at a paid job just as well as at an unpaid internship. If you're looking to get into a career that requires unpaid internships, I'd again reevaluate exactly what kind of career you want to get into or how one can go about being successful in that career. Don't knock getting a semi-temporary job, either. It might not be in your chosen field, but something to put on your resume besides college is a good thing. getting real-life experience working with others and dealing with customers is something you can't learn in college. Now that you're 26, you're not going to be able to stay on your folks' health insurance for much longer either, so remember that getting into a job is also a means of keeping your insurance coverage up to date should anything happen (even if it's just a nasty sinus infection or flu, seeing a doc and getting antibiotics can help you reduce the amount of time lost at work, for example).
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
It's going to continue to be hard keeping your private life away from your parents as long as you continue to live with them. They have prying eyes, and that will never change, even if you lay down ground rules for them. Because you see, you live in their house. They view you as their 'baby' because they are still babying you (as in taking care of you financially, you live under the same roof, you spend a lot of time together, etc). My advice to you, to start this process towards being independent from your parents and reclaiming your private life, is to start a career. That doesn't mean go out and get a full-time job. What you could do is get an internship, paid or unpaid, in the field you want to go in. Or get a job that has a lot of expected growth for you (as in, you can move up the ranks over time). Perhaps take a course or two at a local community college, or a course online. A lot of prestigious schools have online classes, so it's not a bad thing. Do community service. Volunteer at wherever you want. Moreover, open your eyes to other career possibilities. If you've been trying hard in one career field this long, and still have not started anything, then that's a very bad sign. Look elsewhere. If you start doing these things now, then you'll gain your independence, and you can have your private life uninterrupted by your parents.
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