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Not Having Sex in My Relationship

Group Therapy: To Stay With Fiance or Call Off Engagement?

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my fiance for 5 years now. He is 30 and I am going to be turning 29. We just got engaged 3 months ago and I find myself questioning our relationship. We are best friends, we have so much fun together and I know he loves me. However, we have no intimacy whatsoever. He likes to cuddle and kiss and hold hands but that is about it. This issue has been raised for the last 2 years of our relationship. I have a desire and he's too tired or too lazy to do anything with me. We have sex less than 1 time a month. We had sex once on our engagement trip and that was it. And since then it has been maybe 2 times in the last 3 months. In fact, this month we haven't had sex at all. It's really bothering me and I am second guessing getting married to him.

If I bring it up, he gets angry and I have been bringing it up for 2 years now. I'm tired. I see that he will go on the internet and look at porn for an hour, sometimes half an hour or fifteen minutes for a few days in a row. Those days he does I ask to have sex and he says he is too tired. I am beginning to get more and more resentful to him and turned off. I am afraid I may even be becoming unattracted to him, especially when he doesn't want to have sex with me, yet still goes on the computer. It is even starting to disgust me. Is there anything I can do to get him interested again? He says he is attracted to me, that he finds me very desireable but is just too tired to try. I have lingerie, toys, so what else can I try? I want to try everything before ultimately giving up. However, because this has been going on for 2 years, I don't know if I can live the rest of my life without sex or intimacy. I'm afraid I might stray later on if I don't get what I want from him and my marriage would be a sham. To stay and continue to try and live my life like this with a nice husband and no passion or leave and maybe give up the love of my life. What to do?

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myhousemd myhousemd 7 years
It sounds to me like he is addicted to porn, to an extremely unhealthy level. I suggest you get him to go to therapy.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
The man has to be willing to address the situation, be it talking about the issues with his fiance, seeing a counselor, getting a medical exam, whatever it is. The biggest issue here is his unwillingness to deal with her concerns. He doesn't seem to want to make her happy, and anyone that loves you should be busting ass to do that. Sexual compatibility aside, the OP is going to face many issues in marriage that will need to be worked out as a couple, and you don't want a guy who shuts down and doesn't listen. I agree with the above, all of the many reasons everyone listed are possible: 1) He is stressed about marriage 2) He is gay 3) He has a porn addiction 4) He is cheating 5) He has a medical issue No matter what it is, if he continues to be non-interactive, and his best friend is the computer, it is time to seriously re-evaluate the engagement. DO NOT marry this guy if things don't change, because they will only get worse.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 7 years
Oh my goodness. You have no idea how much I can relate to your problem. I was in the exact same position, but I chose to marry him. He IS the love of my life and the greatest husband ever. Don't just give up. I fought so badly with my husband. We almost never got married. We didn't even have sex on our wedding (which was 4 days and nights in vegas). I felt so awful about myself that I thought it was the end of the world. Turns out, he just had low testosterone, which no one had even CONSIDERED before since he's in his 20s. My dad actually suggested he get it tested, and it turns out that was the problem. Please, get him to a GOOD doctor. Chances are that it's much simpler than he's making it.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
Go see a sex therapist together. If he refuses, leave him. The resentment will only build.
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I agree with many of the above comments and especially comment 15 from anonymous. In my opinion the issue could be one of several things. 1). He has an addiction to porn. 2). He is gay and is watching gay porn, 3). He has some serious intimacy issues. Or it could be all three! You never know. I think that the really big problem here is that he is completely unwilling to talk about the issue with you, particularly the fact that he gets angry when you bring it up. To me, that sounds like he is hiding something. So...what is he hiding?? Perhaps you could find a way to look at the porn he is looking at. If there is any gay porn, then you have your answer. Straight men do not enjoy gay porn. I really do not think it is erectile dysfunction or a medical condition since it sounds like he is regularly viewing porn, presumably getting an erection and ejaculating. I think that you need to either go into couples counseling or just walk away if he is unwilling to do that. Sex is an important part of marriage, bonding and intimacy, and as anonymous said, it is unlikely that you will be able to conceive a child if you are not having regular sex. I really hope that you do not marry him because I think it would be a big mistake. You are young and you deserve to have a healthy active sex life and a healthy relationship just as anyone else does. I wish you good luck. :)
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
OP, Friends talk about problems between them. He is refusing to talk to you about it. That tells you he is not your "best buddy." Do not marry him until he becomes your best buddy. You need to sit down with him, lay it all on the table, and tell him that a change needs to be made, or this is not going to work out. I'm sorry to hear that all of this is happening. I hope the two of you can find a way to work this out. Good luck.
medenginer medenginer 7 years
I would try to get to the point of why he's really not wanting sex other than he's too tired. If that's really the case let him take a nap and hand him an energy shot. I think seeing a doctor or a therapist is in order. If the last 2 years have been hard sexually just imagine many more years married with no sex.
bryseana bryseana 7 years
There's usually always a reason for a lack of intimacy. I don't know him, so I can't say the reason behind his lack of interest in sex. The two of you have been together a long time. He's clearly interested in you and obviously loves being with you. Intimacy is about letting go physically, mentally, and connecting with someone on an emotional level. I think low self-esteem can play a role in someone not enjoying sex. They may not like the way they look or they just don't have a high opinion of themselves in general. With porn it's very detached. The women in the videos don't see him - he's still able to hide. Of course, there are other reasons. Depression can hinder one's love life too. You've been having this conversation with him for years. So, it's not like you haven't tried getting to the source of the problem. All you can do is figure out what's best for you in the long run. Is it something you can live with it? Do other things in the relationship make up for this one irritating aspect?
TammyO TammyO 7 years
I would call it off. Him, or you, being "too tired" usually happens after a few years of marriage and some kids under your belts, then there can be a reason for it. I see no reason why this guy should be tired and yet willing to stay up for hours looking at porn. To me it's a red flag of what's to come in the marriage. End it now. You need someone who makes you feel special, desired and equal.
inlove23 inlove23 7 years
I agree that it may be a medical condition. Also, certain medications can lower his sex drive. I used to get tired and not want to do it either, but I read that even if you are tired or not in the mood just do it anyway because you won't regret it. It has defiantly changed my sex life for the better.
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
Sounds to me like you might just not be motivated enought to become intimate. I read something once. Try having sex every day for a month.. no excuses. It is supposed to make you and your partner closer, and it should kick start your libidos! Personally I'm not a therapy person, but if you are still into the relationship, and you think therapy can help, try that. Do you really want to call it quits w/o trying everything you can? If it were me, I'd take action!
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
Okay is this another trick question? lol Honey with all due respect this is a no brainer. Call off the engagement, move out or he move out, give your self at least six months to pull your life back together and ground your self and hey enjoy the single life for a bit until Prince Charming comes around.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
It sounds like you and your fiance are sexually incompatible. I agree -- you really should work this out before you marry him. You received some excellent advice already. Personally speaking, I would consider this a deal-breaker (if this remains unresolved). Having a good sex life is important in my book. Besides, I wouldn't marry a man to be friends with him, if you know what I mean.
Rwandawithlove Rwandawithlove 7 years
One of my male friends has the same issue. He is always really rampant in sex activities with girls he hardly knows but when it comes to girls he would like to be in a relationship with he has a hard time going to bed with them. He confided in me that he enjoyed sex but he viewed it as something that was dirty/wrong. When he had sex with random girls he never had respect for them in the first place so there ws no problem. But when it was a girlfriend he had a hard time reconciling someone he liked with an act best left to slutty girls. We had a long talk and basically it boiled down to him being a virgin when it came to making love. It is something he is still trying to deprogram. 28 yrs of our Catholic priest telling him how wrong sex is took a definite effect on him. He should have been like me and slept through mass! Maybe your fiance is stuck on sex and can't find his intimacy button . If that's the case do what my friend did and talk to a sex therapist!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
Do not marry him until this issue is resolved. The fact that he won't talk about it with you is kind of weird. Is he super embarrassed? Hiding something? Will he be open to some type of counseling in order to work through it? I won't necessarily tell you to end the entire relationship, but it would be very wise to put off the engagement/marriage until this is worked out.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
I think that you should see a therapist before deciding to end the relationship. If he refuses to seek help, then its time to end it. Yes, the emotional aspect it's very important in a relationship, but the physical aspect it's also very important. You need both things in a relationship in order for things to work.
sparklestar sparklestar 7 years
My boyfriend is the same. He will rarely initiate sex and it's been a real stickler in our relationship. I've studied psychology/sociology and have gone through every single theory as to why this could be. In all other ways he's loving, attentive, affectionate... everything. However, he'll go browsing for porn occasionally (about once a week) and our sex life has really flittered in the last year or so. The other night we had a big breakthrough with this - I raised AGAIN about how we'd only had sex like once in the last month and he got upset (as he always does). He hates discussing it but after like two hours he finally admitted that when he does things he likes to do them well. If he doesn't think he can do them well then he won't start them. He gets a lot of nerves about initiating sex because then the onus is on him to get "everything right". I've reassured him many times that he's good in bed and that I want him (carnally) but progress is slow. Instead of ASKING for sex (who ASKS for sex?) why not just initiate? I find a good trick is to be wearing one of his shirts & some lingerie underneath. There are no ifs, buts or ands when that happens! Within seconds we'll be in the bedroom & I'll have barely had to try anything. The other night I told him I was "wearing something comfortable" and when he got home I was wearing a slanket... but with lingerie underneath !! It sounds like he's either depressed, feeling the effects of low self esteem or maybe he's just downright lazy and can't be bothered. Do you know what could be making him tired? I mean there is tiredness and then there is laziness. Sometimes you have to take one for the team & have sex even when you're not 100% feeling like it. Women have to, why shouldn't men occasionally? I'd highly suggest you try couples counselling to try and resolve this issue. Do you know what will make it worse though? Confronting him, snooping through his stuff (you must have been snooping if you know EXACTLY how much porn he's been looking at, it's OK - I do it too) and generally being angry about sex will not make him want to have sex with you. You should also try INITIATING and not ASKING for sex. Seriously. That whole "asking" for sex thing has really confused me. Who does that? This isn't the 1950's. If you think you're likely to find better sex somewhere else (and it's that much of a big deal for you) then you should leave. Of course the other option is that he's getting it elsewhere but I'm guessing that you do so much snooping (and you're feeling insecure, so I don't blame you entirely) that you'd know if that was going on anyway. Good luck!
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
Like flying said, maybe he has some medical issue he's afraid to talk about. I don't know... If you want to live a sexless life, go ahead and marry him, but if he won't even TALK about it, you may be better off calling it quits.
sarah-lynn sarah-lynn 7 years
Don't go through with it. If you've been battling him for years now about it, he's not going to change. And you are already finding yourself resentful of it, so don't sign on for a lifetime of that.
dexaholic dexaholic 7 years
I had this same problem with my fiance. Turns out he was cheating on me. Just saying...
flyinggrip flyinggrip 7 years
Maybe he should talk to his doctor, he may be having some issues with erectile dysfunction which he may be embarrassed to talk about and is using the tiredness excuse as a cover-up, or if he really is that tired it may be the result of an underlying medical condition.
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