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Is He Man Enough For Me?

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years and I love him. We've had our fair share of bumps down the road, but we are happy and the couple everyone thinks will be engaged next. About two years ago, I had a pregnancy scare and his reaction threw me for a loop.

After I told him, he said he would be right over, and he never showed. He didn't call me until the next day, very out of character since we usually talk multiple times a day, to tell me he would come over so we could talk, but again, he never showed up. After I finally tracked him down, he tried to act like everything was normal and didn't mention anything about the possible pregnancy (negative thank g-d, as we are clearly not ready for that step).

His explanation for his two no-shows was stress but he couldn't elaborate why. I tried to put this incident past me but I am having a hard time forgetting about it. We now live together and have been talking about marriage, but I have been struggling with if I'll ever be able to truly count on him to be there when I need him. Did his freak out mean he doesn't want kids? Any advice for me would be appreciated. Conflicted Connie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Conflicted Connie
If you are not sure that you can rely on your boyfriend I advise you to seek out couples therapy before you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. You raise valid questions that need to be addressed ASAP. Agreeing on children is a very loaded topic so make certain you are on the same page.

Since the air has settled, have you been able to talk about his disappearing act? Have there been any other similar situations since that incident? Feeling abandoned by the person you love and depend on during a potential life changing situation is a giant red flag. He may be the most wonderful man in the good times, but when push comes to shove, you need to ask yourself if he will be there for you in the bad times as well.

Many times people get sucked into thinking they are ready for marriage because of the pressures from friends and family when they simply aren't. Take your time and make sure you keep the lines of communication open between you and your boyfriend. Let him know that if he wants to marry you and be your life partner, he has to be able to face rocky roads head on and to stand strong beside you.

Join The Conversation
pud3333 pud3333 10 years
Dearsugar's advice is solid. You need to work the kid situation out and make sure he's on the same page. If after all the counseling it turns out he really doesn't want kids, then it would be a good idea to really think about what you want and whether you can live with his choice. I wouldn't count on him to change his mind once you're married.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
I agree with all of the above I'm all in.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 10 years
If it were me, I'd always be a bit scared that he might ditch me (or disappear for who-knows-how-long) if I ever did get pregnant. ((shrugs)) It'd be in the back of my mind, all the time. If you hope to have children (with him, as a part of your possible marriage) in the future, the former weirdness should really be explained (more fully) and settled to your satisfaction. How does he deal with pressure, otherwise? (I would have difficulty feeling "safe" with him as a husband and as the potential father of my children. Too flaky (with no good reason) when strength and support are required -- but that's just me. I don't do well with people that bolt. . . not romantically, anyway.) Best of luck; hope it all works out for the better, whatever happens.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 10 years
I am sorry about this. Although what he did was wrong and probably very disappointing for you, I think that if this was just a one time deal, you should forgive him. If he has since tried to make up for it, apologized or has been there for you in other rough situations, then you should let it go. We are all imperfect humans, and it seems like he was just scared. I am in NO WAY supporting what he did, but I DO believe in second chances :) . He messed up, but if he's been there for you since, maybe he is really trying to make up for it. Only you know if you can trust him when things get hard. Take care.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
dang. his reaction would have scared the crap outta me too. i'd take dearsugar's advice and find a couples counselor ASAP. you want someone who will stick around if you do become pregnant.
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