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He Said, She Said: Oops, I Did It Again

Dear Sugar
I am a happily married 32 year old woman. This is my second marriage and I have been married for less than a year. The problem is that for the past five years I have had a soft spot in my heart for an ex-boyfriend, whom I dumped because he was going to get back together with his wife for the sake of his children.

After we broke up I met my husband and we have been together for three years. I have remained in contact with this other guy, but I had always told him that I could never cheat on my husband with him. He is now single again, and I ended up sleeping with him last week.

I don't know what to do, I would never want to hurt my husband. He has been so wonderful to me, but I also don't feel a lot of remorse for what I did. The other guy suggested that I get a divorce, but I told him that it was out of the question. By the way, I was also unfaithful to my first husband, but he wasn't nearly as wonderful as my second husband.

I know I could lose everything if I continue to see this man, but I just can't stop thinking about him either. Please give me some advice to get out of this mess. I need to make things right. Selfish Selma

To see DEARSUGAR and ASTUTE ARTHUR's response

DEARSUGAR: Dear Selfish Selma
You've found a man to marry you who knew you were a cheater (well, I am guessing that he knew) and now you've gone out and done it again. Second chances don't mean a heck of a lot to you, huh. I've said this to the men that write in and I'll say the same thing to you - Cheaters and liars don't get my empathy.

Do you honestly expect me to help you out with this decision? You are lying to a man who has taken vows to stand by you always and that is wrong. If you decide to tell him what you've done, be prepared for the consequences ... being alone.

Because if you actually go back with the ex who you've just cheated on him with, the chances of either of you staying faithful and having a successful relationship are slim to none.

ASTUTE ARTHUR: Dear Selfish Selma,
So you told the boyfriend that you could never cheat on your husband, but you did. Now you’re telling him that you’ll never leave your husband. How much could that mean to anyone?

You should be in an open marriage or in no marriage at all. Clearly the vows you make are meaningless. Don't take away what is to most people the single most important commitment they will make in their life and make a mockery of it. You feel no remorse? That's a little bit sick if you claim to love your husband.

Why don't you talk to your husband about what you've done, and tell him that you are likely to keep doing it. If he has been as good to you as you say, he deserves that. He’ll probably leave you instantly - lord knows I would.

Join The Conversation
heatherp heatherp 10 years
one of the most attractive things about your ex may be that he is off limits - oh and that he once rejected you and now wants you back. You made a major commitment to your husband that you cannot treat so flippantly. Cut the EX out completely NOW - it will get easier to think about him less. if you give up all contact then you don't technically have to tell your hubby because both of you will feel crappy. if you can't eliminate the ex and you think its worth jeopardizing your marriage - then you should tell your husband because its not fair to mislead him. who is to say that your ex wants anything to do with you beyond an affair - he is just getting out of a marriage and may want to play the field. you cna get out of this mess by just cutting off contact with the ex.
lalala lalala 10 years
Thanks sjpwannabe =) and selfish selma.. LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND! He deserves much Better than you (in terms of trust, commitment, being a good wife..) and i don't think you love him.. at all.. so don't lie to him &/ let him go find someone that truly loves him.. Just think of how YOU would feel if you found out your wonderful husband was cheating on you! i don't think he's gonna wanna stick around at all if he finds out. What makes it worse is that that was your ex! How could you forget that he was your ex.. for a reason!
karmasabitch karmasabitch 10 years
Bonkers I'll agree that people are crazy.. and it's tempting to stay single forever but at the same time oh so hard :O
bonkers bonkers 10 years
All I have to say is...people are crazy. Selfish Selma is crazy. It's sad that people don't respect marriage, vows, what it creates, etc. It's really sad. I think I'm staying single forever.
karmasabitch karmasabitch 10 years
Paris I think that (unfortunately) sometimes we hurt the people we love the most. I'm not saying that what she did was right, it's sad and I'm guessing that even if her husband doesn't find out this time, there will be another "incident" where he will.. but I think this woman probably needs some kind of psychiatric help and it's probably best to reserve any harsh judgement.
SailorMarie SailorMarie 10 years
Engaging in an affair with no regard for your marriage, husband and family is disgusting...if you had any love for your husband this would not have happened, let him go and get yourself some help...I can't imagine that with this breach of trust you could possibly build a healthy relationship with him in the future...
Ivonne Ivonne 10 years
If you hurt someone you claim to love, then you don't love them at all. True love is not disloyal. :( You should be ashamed of yourself.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
If you cheated on your husband who is really good to you with your ex then I'm sorry but you don't love your husband. You're just taking advantage of him because he's a good guy and he's giving you what you want and every other girl wants in a husband someone who treats them good. I think you should take some time by yourself to think and figure out what you want. Because obviously you are following a pattern of being unfaithful no relationship or marriage will work and be healthy under these conditions. I strongly suggest therapy to figure out why you continue to do this and why you don't feel any remorse. Hope you can figure things out.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 10 years
Skank...That's all I have to say.
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years
he's your ex for a reason and you're married to your hubby for a reason...don't forget why!!!! if you're husband doesn't know the real you, then maybe you won't be happy and that's why you went back to your ex.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
This utterly digusts me. I hope that ur hubby sees what a rotten tramp u are, and the boyfriend once again breaks ur heart. Hun there was a reason he is ur ex. Now hes ruined more. How dumb do u get. ~*We FoUnD OuT wHaT tHe BaBy Is!*~ Want to know?
lacoste1 lacoste1 10 years
What do you expect to happen with your ex boyfriend now? This isn't something like it was in college where you were you could just dump the guy you were with at the time. You made a promise to your husband with vows that you haven't taken seriously...twice now! What do you expect to happen after you tell your husband what happened? Do you want to get married to this other guy? You need to think things through and how they will affect other people before you selfishly go off and sleep with someone else. If you still had feelings for your ex, then I have to ask...why did you marry someone else?
honey31 honey31 10 years
You are a homewreaker and an adultress!I dont feel sorry for you at all shame on you!You need to come clean with youre poor husband.Really I dont tolorate imoral people like you!
sweet-pea sweet-pea 10 years
I agree with karma- I think this woman needs therapy. She should not be with anyone until she finds out why she does self-destructive things like this. It's very telling that she broke up her first marriage the same way. I also don't buy that she's that happy or in love with hubby; she wouldn't have cheated if she were that happy, and she would be feeling very guilty if she were that much in love. I doubt she truly knows what love is.
karmasabitch karmasabitch 10 years
My first reaction would be to agree with everyone. It's most unfortunate that she's now cheated on two husbands and hurt people in the process. But the fact that she feels no remorse says to me that she needs some kind of help. I'm thinking reserving judgement might be a good thing.. you know the whole don't judge unless you've walked in someones shoes deal. Maybe she has emotional or psychological problems.. who knows? My advice to you is to go to a therapist asap and try to work with him/her to figure out why you're 1. doing these things and 2. feeling no remorse for them. People do "bad" things sometimes.. it doesn't make them evil and it doesn't sound to me like she's boasting about what she's done. She says she wants to "make things right".. if that's really true she'll start going to a psychiatrist as soon as possible and figure out what's going on.
team_aspartame team_aspartame 10 years
i agree with everyone on here popples, dear, & arthur. If u knew that u were attracted to ur ex and had any respect for ur hubby and marraige then u wudnt have gone and cheated on him. u are a serial cheater. I dont understand how u could proclaim u love him and then cheat. U sound like a person who cannot be monogamous, u shud leave ur husband coz he doesnt deserve someone unfaithful. i cannot understand cheaters... aarghh
sjpwannabe sjpwannabe 10 years
lalala, yes--you use the contact form on to contact dearsugar and ask your own question--you remain anonymous of course!
wynter wynter 10 years
Wow, no remorse? That would hurt me more than the cheating if my hubby told me that. It's one thing to have a fling without thought (which would hurt terribly itself), another to not feel guilty about it. I'd say based on that, there is no love for your husband. I think you like the way he treats you and enjoy your life together, but how could you cheat on a person you love and not have any guilt??? Your husband definitely deserves to know the truth. I feel bad for your family.
lalala lalala 10 years
umm this might be a dumb question.. but i was just wondering do you use the 'contact us' form to ask sugar your own question?
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
Selma, that's not cool at all, why did you even get married? And you cheated on your husband with the boyfriend that broke up with you..that was just stupid..(no high fives for you hun) and now the cheating ex boyfriend is wanting you to leave your husband...I can't feel sorry for you at all. However you look at it..kharma, reaping what you sow.....whatever goes around comes around...your husband deserves to know what you did,'ve just set yourself up for a huge fall and my money goes on your husband being extremely happy one day with a woman who understands what committment is. And that woman obviously is NOT you* I don't understand why people treat marriage like it's not a committment. Selfish was a good word to use, sorry if that hurt your feelings but I'm sure your husband will be hurting alot worse when he finds out!
Pinkperfectpixie Pinkperfectpixie 10 years
(giggles fiendishly)
caligirl1201 caligirl1201 10 years
Kylake I forgot this was a serious post but I like your thinking. I guess years of leg humping has taught you well.
kylake kylake 10 years
Oops, we've turned this very serious thread into a menu.
kylake kylake 10 years
Yes cali, if you eat Thai food, you'll get Thai energy for Thai sex.
kylake kylake 10 years
I love Thai too. Unfortunately the Thai restaurant near us got flooded during Katrina so there's no Thai here for 20 miles!
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