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He Said, She Said: Oops, I Did It Again

Dear Sugar
I am a happily married 32 year old woman. This is my second marriage and I have been married for less than a year. The problem is that for the past five years I have had a soft spot in my heart for an ex-boyfriend, whom I dumped because he was going to get back together with his wife for the sake of his children.

After we broke up I met my husband and we have been together for three years. I have remained in contact with this other guy, but I had always told him that I could never cheat on my husband with him. He is now single again, and I ended up sleeping with him last week.

I don't know what to do, I would never want to hurt my husband. He has been so wonderful to me, but I also don't feel a lot of remorse for what I did. The other guy suggested that I get a divorce, but I told him that it was out of the question. By the way, I was also unfaithful to my first husband, but he wasn't nearly as wonderful as my second husband.

I know I could lose everything if I continue to see this man, but I just can't stop thinking about him either. Please give me some advice to get out of this mess. I need to make things right. Selfish Selma

To see DEARSUGAR and ASTUTE ARTHUR's response

DEARSUGAR: Dear Selfish Selma
You've found a man to marry you who knew you were a cheater (well, I am guessing that he knew) and now you've gone out and done it again. Second chances don't mean a heck of a lot to you, huh. I've said this to the men that write in and I'll say the same thing to you - Cheaters and liars don't get my empathy.

Do you honestly expect me to help you out with this decision? You are lying to a man who has taken vows to stand by you always and that is wrong. If you decide to tell him what you've done, be prepared for the consequences ... being alone.

Because if you actually go back with the ex who you've just cheated on him with, the chances of either of you staying faithful and having a successful relationship are slim to none.

ASTUTE ARTHUR: Dear Selfish Selma,
So you told the boyfriend that you could never cheat on your husband, but you did. Now you’re telling him that you’ll never leave your husband. How much could that mean to anyone?

You should be in an open marriage or in no marriage at all. Clearly the vows you make are meaningless. Don't take away what is to most people the single most important commitment they will make in their life and make a mockery of it. You feel no remorse? That's a little bit sick if you claim to love your husband.

Why don't you talk to your husband about what you've done, and tell him that you are likely to keep doing it. If he has been as good to you as you say, he deserves that. He’ll probably leave you instantly - lord knows I would.

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