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Is He Trying to Let Me Down Gently?

Group Therapy: Is He Letting Me Down Gently?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

We have been best friends for six years. We have always been very close, talking on the phone every night for hours and hanging out almost every day. We were never romantic though, partly because I was never interested in him and he was a bit of a player.

I recently realized I had feelings for him. More than as just friends. I sent him a message telling him that I really liked him and I wanted him to date me. That if he had any feelings for me, I thought he should give us dating a chance and if it didn't work out we could still be friends. We are both in our late 20s. I also said if he didn't feel the same way, I would just need some time away from him to get my feelings in check.


He replied that he has really enjoyed our time together lately and would be lying if he said I didn't mean a lot to him and he has thought a lot lately about whether he should risk the friendship to date me. But he is confused as to what he wants and needs a little time to think things over as he wasn't expecting me to spring this on him. I just replied sure that's OK.

I took him at his word. We are practically like a couple without the messing around but recently he has been a lot more touchy feely and flirty. I really think that he may have feelings for me too but may just not be ready to get into a relationship; especially with his best friend. And so he needs to think. But a guy I know thinks that is just his way of being nice and is not wanting to date me but not wanting to be mean. I don't know what to think. What do you think he may mean, and should I say anything else to him or just wait until he contacts me again?

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Join The Conversation
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Give him space. Your guy friend may be right. As of now, all you can do is take him at his word, but as its been said, if he wants to "take it there" he will.
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 6 years
You might want to give him some space, for your own well being as well as his. If you are feeling this way, it would be difficult to continue the nightly talks & hanging out together. Obviously, it's bad timing because he's confused about what he wants. Wouldn't you rather have a boyfriend who pursued you because you were EXACTLY what he wanted? Go out & have some fun! Forget about it for a while. If it's meant to be it will all work out in due time. ;)
zeze zeze 6 years
I'm sure some will disagree with me, but I think your mistake was telling him - if you had given him a hint and let him make the move you would have avoided this whole situation - if he liked you he would have made a move (if he doesn't make a move after a hint then he is not interested, it isn't because he isn't sure and needs to know). Honestly, but telling him, you hurt your chances, he is more likely to go for it if he thinks it's his idea and he tries to get you to agree rather than being enticed and asked. Think about it in other situations, when something is our idea we are always quick to overlook the bad points or at least see them through sugarcoated lenses, when it's someone else's we are more clear-minded and skeptical.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
It sounds like he gets the emotional fulfillment of a girlfriend with you, but likes the freedom of hooking up with whoever. This is a great situation for him, but not for you. If I were you I'd take some time without him and see if your life is better or worse without him in it.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
Hummmmmm. My first thought was that your "friend" didn't want he other guy to be interested. Only time will tell if the guy wants to date you. I think it's great that you told him. Now you don't have to look back and wonder, "what if". Love is worth taking a chance on. Enjoy your holiday season. If the potential boyfriend comes around, great. But don't forge the rest of your day-to-day life.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
Your guy friend if 100% correct. Look if he liked you and really wanted to date you he would jump at the chance that you just gave him. Thinking things over won't make his feelings grow. They were either there or not. He might be attracted to you but that doesn't mean he wants to date you. Give yourself the time you said you would and don't let him lead you on! Don't sleep with him or hook up with him either - unless he "decides" to date you although even then it would be a bit insulting that you waited around while he weighed the pros and cons of dating you. I'm sorry hun, but he is just stalling. He would jump at the chance if those feelings for boyfriend/girlfriend were truly there. Don't get down on yourself though because you're still as beautiful as before. Like you said, he's a bit of a player.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
I think maybe he is just "testing" what it would be like if he decided to try dating you by acting more flirty and touchy feely. He knows how you guys get along because you hang out a lot, but he doesn't know that other side of you, the one when you are dating someone, and he wants to have a small idea before actually saying yes. Probably not to ruin the friendship or because he wants to be sure of his own feelings as well. Going out with a best friend is in a way more serious than someone you just met, because there is kind of a history and a things will never be the same again if it doesn't work out. I think like Kurnia that you should remind him soon about having the talk. You don't wanna stay in that state of mind wondering is it yes or no for months.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Your guy friend may have a point there, your best friend may have just wanted to be nice by saying that or trying to stall for time/to find out the nicest way to say 'no' (that's my first guess too). But since you've asked him nicely and there's a possibility he may say 'yes' and he asked for some time to think about it, give him time to respond. In another week (or 2), remind him that you guys would need to discuss about this (your asking him out/asking for a romantic relationship). Then have the talk. I think 1-2 weeks is enough time to decide if he wants to date you or not. Since you guys aren't exclusive, by all means, keep your options open, date others too. Good luck.
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