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He Wants to Have an Open Relationship

"He Wants to Have an Open Relationship"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I have been trying to work things out but now he tells me that he wants to have an open relationship. Supposedly this would be the "test" to see if we are meant for one another. I found out he was dating some girl briefly after he told me about his want for an open relationship. Now he wants to still date her but still have sex with me. He said if he ends up developing strong feelings for her that he will end things with me. I asked if he would just discard a five year relationship "just like that" and he looked away.

I was so pissed that I told his sorry ass off. I feel as if he doesn't appreciate/value me in the slightest, especially knowing that I love him and want us to work out. Why would he bring some other person into this if he loved or even cared for me?!?!

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Vanessa2403695 Vanessa2403695 5 years
While I am sure it hurts to realize that this guy doesn't love you the way you thought he did, it's time to put on your big girl pants and let him watch your ass as you walk away. 
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
So... it needs to be explained to said douche that what he is proposing does not constitute an open relationship. An open relationship is something that two people agree to, he has clearly already made that decision. He's also made it clear that if he develops strong feelings for her, he'll end things with you. How courteous of him, then you can just wait around for the next time he decides he wants an "open relationship" which he starts without bothering to inform you. Explain to him that he is using something called a euphemism to make his dirty, lying, cheating doucheness sound better and walk away. He already loves someone more than you... he sees him every time he looks in the mirror. This guy is not looking to work things out, he's trying to make it unbearable for you so that you'll leave. Make it easy for him, but make sure to point out what a douche he is while he's on the way out.
GZO GZO 5 years
I tried typing out three different comments, and none of them expressed my disbelief enough. What a douche.
karisaamy karisaamy 5 years
Run, don't walk away from this guy. He will only hurt you and drag the break up on forever
Ryah-Cooley Ryah-Cooley 5 years
Go with your instinct and dump this guy. I'm not in (nor have I ever been in) an open relationship, but my understanding is that the whole premise is to not have "emotional relationships" with the people outside of your main relationship. Sounds like this guy just wants you to hang around in case it doesn't work out with the new girl.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
You are a smart girl! I know you will hurt, and it will be difficult for awhile, but believe me, before you know it you will look back on this and think, "Thank God I got away from that loser." And you will be saying it to yourself as you're lying happily in another man's arms. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Hi Blueskies29, good for you! That took courage and strength. Good luck with the next part of your life, with healing, and moving on, and eventually, finding someone who is worth your time, and love. Good for you, not letting him use you. I hope you feel good about what you were able to do. I know it's so hard to feel you've lost that investment of time, but think of how much more time you could have lost if he'd not actually said anything and just kept going behind you. At least he was honest enough to say his crap out loud, and let you make the better choice. Take good care, girl.
Blueskies29 Blueskies29 5 years
I am the OP. Thank you all for your advice. You have all inspired me to gain the courage to leave him. I told him how I felt as if he didn't value me and how he didn't appreciate me or our relationship enough to actually work on it. I told him he would quickly discard me for whatever came his way and that I feel he solely sees me as a sex object. I wished him luck on everything and said goodbye. He didn't reassure me, he didn't tell me otherwise. All he said was: Ok That was it..and that was enough for me to know that you were all right. Thank you so much for your insight. You definitely helped me.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 5 years
How rude! Tell him to get lost. He is being so disrespectful and taking advantage of your good nature and feelings for him. You should already be kicking him to the curb for his involvement with another woman after being together for 5 years.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Leave him. He's really rotten to tell you all this. Tell him if it doesn't work out you won't be waiting around. You're not even sure you'll be living in the same city or have the same phone number in a few weeks. Besides that's way too boring and such a waste of time for you. Maybe by the time he figures out what he needs, you'll be dating or even getting married to someone else to make up from all the wasted time with him. He needs to live with his own choices and be a man about it, huh?
lanwa lanwa 5 years
You dated him for 5 years and saw "the representative", now you see the REAL him...Pay attention this time, he is showing you who he REALLY is! and he's least you know the truth about him, imagine what the new girl doesn't know...count your blessings and move CAN do it!
LadyCyanide LadyCyanide 5 years
I've seen open relationships work, but it was something that was wanted by both partners and never EVER as a 'test' to see if you're meant to be with each other. That's not how poly relationships go. It's hard to walk away from all you've invested into the relationship, but from the sounds of it, he's not really worried about your feelings, only where the next bit of sex is going to come from. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I truly am. But you deserve a lot better than the treatment you're getting. Good luck and be strong. (also, not to sound like a jerk, but please, consider getting yourself tested for any std/sti's. I know it sounds exceptionally rude of me to bring it up while you're hurting, but it's important)
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
"He wants to date her but still sleep with me." Oh really, is that what he wants? So messed up.Get out now.
chibros chibros 5 years
Sorry, he's just trying to put you in FWB zone while he takes time to work on his new relationship and take sex from you. You don't deserve him, just try to move on. Don't even accept to be friends nor open relationship because you're just wasting your time and prolonging things to hurt you more and more.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Yes, I have to agree with Missmaryb, I think he has already moved on, and is just completely unwilling to suffer through losing a comfortable regular lay while looking for another. It doesn't even sound as though he's going to grieve this. My best advice is for you to move on. I can't say this too strongly, he's using you, you know that just from your heading here. It is totaly crapola! He's done. It doesn't matter how much time is invested. You can't fix what's wrong or work on this if he's not right there with you. And if he's focused on this other girl,....... Look, I think you know where you are, here. Yes, it's been five years, but those years are over, and it isn't going to help you to keep trying to hold on to this.Don't put any more time into this. He's done. That means the relationship is done. An "open" relationship is about two people who are committed to each other, and both are free to go outside. That isn't what this is. You are not interested in an open relationship, and he's only interested in it until he develops feeling for someone else, which means he's looking to develop feelings for someone else. I've seen so many people do this, it's crap. It's a cop out. It's cheap, and dishonest. It's manipulative, working on your admitted love for him and desire to work it out. He's been honest enough to tell you he'll leave you if.....and in the meantime you should service him and hope. I'd be furious too, about him suggesting this, suggesting I allow him to use me in this manner and to abuse my feelings and hope. It's time to do the hard thing, and put your hope away, and look at this with a clear, cold, practical eye. Believe what he told, he'll move on. Emotionaly, he already has. Take your power back and show him the door.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
A strong, healthy relationship doesn't need a "test" to see if you're meant for each other. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think you should be the one to throw the "relationship" away if he doesn't want to do it. Do you really need to be anyone's fallback girl? And to have to worry about catching a disease because he's screwing around with other people? You're better than that. If a man truly loves you he will want to be with you and only you and will do everything in his power to hang on to you. It doesn't sound like love to me, it sounds like he's using you as an insurance policy if things don't work out with this girl or he needs to get laid when he's not with her. I advise you to think long and hard before you agree to what he's proposing. It reeks of b.s. Good luck.
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