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He Won't Leave His Wife

Group Therapy: He Won't Leave His Wife

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Two years ago I divorced my husband after 10 difficult years of marriage. I reconnected with a man I went to college with on a social network when he began asking me questions about how to get divorced. He wanted to know what steps to take.

We became pretty good friends and spoke or emailed every day. A few months later he told me he finally did it, he told her it was over. They put the house on the market and as soon as it sold she and the kids were moving to another state with her family. Shortly after that we got together. It was an intense, passionate relationship from the start for both of us. He spoke about our future together, how he couldn't wait, our plans to travel . . .


It all sounded so perfect. He told me how he has cheated on everyone he has ever been with but it's different with me, I am his lover and his best friend. Two years later nothing has changed.

He is still living with his wife, telling me financially he can't afford to get a divorce. He still wants to be with me but it's not the right time and if I really loved him I'd wait. We do travel together and see each other once a week (we are in different states) but it's not good enough. I can't move on until things end with him but I can't seem to make that happen. I really do love him, or maybe I just love what I think I had. HELP!

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MisStreAt MisStreAt 6 years
Please wakeee upppp ! I think he is just playing with you.. If he really love you, he wouldnt let you wait for two years.. Goshh.. N i dont think you love him, maybe you think that you love him because you are getting used to the situation, kept hoping for his promises so you cant open your eyes! You should try to open up yourself to other guys n try to make a serious relationship with someone who respect you and willing to be just with you.. Not like that guy who is having a double life!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
This guy must be joking because I'm laughing now especially about this part: He told me how he has cheated on everyone he has ever been with but it's different with me, I am his lover and his best friend. Two years later nothing has changed - I mean I'm really laughing.
MySecondLife MySecondLife 6 years
I'm so sorry to read this. Your pain must be unbearable. Get angry! Scream and yell at the guy, then walk away -- for good. Don't let him spoil another single day of your life. There ARE good men out there. Without taking a risk, you'll never discover one. So, yeah, you've been hurt twice (at least) and you MIGHT get hurt again ... But, when you DO find a good man, you'll reap the benefits. Just be careful. Follow your HEAD before you follow your heart next time!
foxie foxie 6 years
I really don't think you're any better than he is. How do you feel good about yourself as a person? Does he have kids that he's cheating as well? Awful.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
I hate to say this... but the odds of him actually leaving his wife for you are slim to none. You deserve so much better, hun. Please just try to move on, I know you can find someone better for you.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
He has lied to you, he obviously never told his wife that it was over and they never put the house on the market. She likely has absolutely NO idea that he is cheating and thinks that they are in a happy marriage or is in denial about all of his cheating. This guy drew you in by saying that he wanted to know what steps to take to get a divorce. The whole thing was a lie from the very beginning. He wanted to have his wife and have you too. So basically you are with a cheater and a liar. He doesn't sound like a good person to me. Also, the whole 'I have cheated on everyone I have ever been with but it's different with you'. Seriously what a load of crap. The man has probably had several mistresses throughout his marriage and he has probably strung them along the same way that he is doing to you. So you are the mistress and if you are happy to believe his lies then that is your choice. If you still want to stay with him, then you are masochistic and you need to work on your self esteem issues probably through counseling. My suspicion is that you met him when you were still vulnerable over your divorce. It sounds like you have a history of dysfunctional relationships (I know how that feels, I have had my fair share). The best way to get through it is to work on your own issues so that you can get to a place where you are attracted to and attract honest, kind men who respect you. If you don't respect yourself enough to walk away from a situation like this then you cannot expect a man to respect you. I am being kind of brutally honest here but I think that you need to hear it. I wish you the best of luck.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
I agree with most of the posts. I don't think he wants to divorce his wife, as he is not following-through on his divorce. The money reason is just an excuse. He's trying to manipulate you into staying in this relationship. Don't fall for it. Incidentally, I think you gave him too much too soon (on many levels). Cut your losses, and walk away. You already given him two years of your life. Ugh.
Cyclechick001 Cyclechick001 6 years
Thank you for all the great advice. I truly appreciate it.
Sundown321 Sundown321 6 years
If he hasn't saved up enough money to move in over two years, he's a serious loser. If he wanted to move, he could find a way. Borrow money from a friend, put it on a credit card, etc...
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Wise up. He's not leaving her, and he probably never will. You got played, so move on.
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
I agree with you, #12.
kismekate kismekate 6 years
I know a woman who dated a married man for 30 years - she lived on the east coat, him on the west. He played the separation card for THIRTY YEARS and she pathetically went along with it, holding on to some kind of hope that he would one day leave her. He was finally the one to say that he indeed loved his wife and would never leave her. She wasted 30 freakin years of her life on that -- don't let that be you.
jadenirvana jadenirvana 6 years
There are definitely other women in his life right now. He is telling them the exact same thing. Find them, and that may be the eye-opening push you need to get out. I'm sure he's "smart, funny, adorable, not like that, different" blah, blah, blah, but a cheater is a cheater. Look at his actions, not his words.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Ahaha. At least he was honest about his infidelity. Just kidding. He doesn't get points for that. From the title of the post alone I figured the guy had no spine. He didn't even tell his wife, did he? "It's over and I'm cheating on you. But financially this makes the most sense and I'm sure you'll agree to keep my sorry butt around."
xxstardust xxstardust 6 years
For the record, if a couple has mutually agreed to divorce and both are willing to sign all the papers and make all the agreements they need to, it can be done online for as little as $149. If he really wanted to do it, he would have done it by now. He's got his cake and eating it too.
kismekate kismekate 6 years
It's not different with you. He'll cheat on you too.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Being the other woman has its benefits. Don't discount them. They are why you've stayed with him. But you need to stop wishing and dreaming about more. You are never going to have a wonderful monogamous marriage with this man. He's damaged goods. Every time you have sex with him, it's even more proof he's untrustworthy. And if he leaves his wife for you, he'll turn you into her, basically. And he'll find a new woman to be his mistress. Guys like that have a miswired perspective on women and sex. You won't be able to heal that for him. It's sad, but you need to realize that your dreams about him can never come true. All you have is a shaky, rather dirty relationship with a shady guy. You can do so much better if you choose to. (And one other thing...Did you realize that he might be cheating on YOU right now? If he has no moral problem with it, and he is able to keep it a secret--which he has proven repeatedly--he could easily be doing it to you right now and lying about it. You've been together a long time. He might be just as bored with you as he is his wife.)
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Counseling if you can afford it. Other than that..the cheapest one is to walk away to regain your sanity. So he lied to you, then all these excuses came up and he's manipulative as well. Then what you have to say to him, 'If you love me, you'll do whatever it takes to divorce your wife right now.' Your married bf sounds exactly like someone my good friend used to date. More likely, he and his wife are still living the good life and you're the 'mistress,' and I'm concerned at the possibility that he's using you financially since he's strap for cash good luck to you. I've seen how crappy my good friend's life was when she was the mistress (from above example) took her lots to straighten things out (walk away from the married man, COUNSELING then meeting the right dude whom she's engaged to now), but she did, hopefully you can too.
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