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His Mixed Signals are so Confusing!

Dear Sugar--

I've been seeing this guy for about six months now. We generally have a great time together, but I feel like he sends me a lot of mixed signals. I guess I want to know whether he's confused with his emotions or if he's sending me a clear message that he doesn't want to be with me.

The positives in our "relationship" is that I've met many of his friends and his parents, he refers to me by name to friends I haven't met so I know he's talked about me. The negatives are that he makes comments about how people in serious relationships are lame, how he's so glad he's not on the marriage track, how he doesn't think he can be with anyone until he's SURE that he can marry them, how people use their relationships as a crutch, he won't invite me to his friend's wedding this summer, and we're not officially a couple although he isn't seeing other people.

Dear, I'm not a clingy girl and I don't need to be invited to all his events, however, his constant commitmentphobia talk makes me feel like he's just warning me not to get too attached. My last relationship lasted two and a half years and I don't know if this is just the nature of a casual and possibly progressing relationship.

I'm trying not to act crazy and to just enjoy his company but his comments totally bug me and I've told him as much. I find myself acting out towards him which I'm sure just reinforces the idea in his head that he shouldn't be in a serious relationship. Do his actions speak louder than words or is he sending me a very clear message with his comments? --Conflicted Katlin

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Conflicted Katlin--

Have you ever had a talk with this man about where you both envision this relationship going? It is pretty clear by his comments that he isn't ready for a serious relationship, so if you are not on the same page as him, which it sounds like you aren't, your feelings are bound to get hurt if you continue traveling on the road you're on.

While you might be having a hard time deciphering if his actions are speaking louder than words, you must take those words to heart. I don't doubt that he enjoys spending time with you, but if you are staying with him in hopes that he will have a change of heart, I advise you to proceed with caution.

Six months is a long time to put up with such negative talk about relationships and can't make you feel very good. It sounds as though he is merely looking for a good time and nothing more, so if you are looking for a secure and stable relationship, unfortunately this man might not be the one for you. Trust your instincts and do what feels right. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
i don't think there's anything confusing here. he's made it plain that he's just with you "for now". he likes you and thinks but this isn't a serious relationship and it isn't going to be. there's no mixed signals at all, but prehaps the ones you are seeing aren't what you were hoping for.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Seems like you guys want different things. You deserve to know if the relationship will ever go anywhere. Doesn't seem like it to me but maybe if you just ask him straight up he'll give you an honest answer.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
hey conflicted Katlin- You sound like me a couple years ago. When my boyrfriend and I statred dating, it was shortly after he got out of a long, bad relationship. His ex was clingy, marriage centered, etc. So, i know how i couldn't be. I found out that if I even joked around about the 'm' word or rings he would freeze up. After two years of dating, he was still saying "I won't get married until I am at least 33" to friends and family when they mentioned that he and I were getting serious. I am two years older than him so as you can imagine, that bothered me. Anyways, after a while I said to him "Babe, I am not wanting to get married now, but when you say that it really bothers me. Although I am not redy yet, I am not going to wait until I am 35 (we were 22 and 24) to get married." He thought about it a minute and said "I don't really mean 35, I just am not ready now, nor will i be in a year or two" Well, it has been a year or two, and he is now saying things like, "well if you live in my house you will not be allowed to load the dishwasher as you do it wrong" and we haev had some conversations that lead me to believe he will propose in the next year sometime. I stood back and examined what i wanted and realized him and I were on the same page as far as marriage goes so it hasn't been an issue for me. In fact, it allowed me to accept a job out of town when i graduated and i moved. since we weren't married i didn't have to try to work it out, compromise, etc. all he could do was sit back and wish me luck haha. We have been dating, as in boyfriend/girlfriend for 5 years now, though, and that is the difference, although i do think you should sit down and talk to him. be sure to mention you are not interested in marriage at this point (unles you are) and let him know whats going on in your head. the worse thing that would happen is that he wants to take a break, and since you aren't officially dating....
Jessstin Jessstin 10 years
Maybe, he thinks you could be The One, but is completely freaked out by it, and is actually trying to convince himself otherwise. This is probably a very slim, only-in-a-lifetime-movie-scenario possibility, and he just wants to make sure he's sending the message loud and clear! Heck, maybe he was actually hurt in a previous relationship that he thought was going somewhere like that. Boys a fickle!
vmruby vmruby 10 years
I think you deserve someone who is 100% committed to you and your relationship.IMO Talking to him about it is a waste of time since he has already made it clear on several occassions how he feels on that subject.If it were me i would have dumped him a long time ago. I have zero tolerance for people who play games with other people's emotions.The longer you stay with him the more you will get hurt so don't let him drag you down. Show him to the curb and get on with your life. Somebody much better with the same goals as you as far as relationships go will come along. Good Luck!!!!
honey31 honey31 10 years
IF it were me I would move on.
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