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His Parents Don't Approve of Pregnancy

"I'm Pregnant and His Parents Don't Approve"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. We'd been talking about moving in together eventually, and we're in love. He's 27, I'm 26. I went away for a month, and he was writing me letters about his hopes and dreams for the future with me, which included having kids and getting married one day. It was not in the immediate plans, but something we were both dreaming about. Everything changed in July when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant while on the pill. He was not happy about it, and we didn't talk for a few days. When I did talk to him again, he told me he was going to help me and be with me, and we were going to do this together. He decided to open a savings account — which he added to immediately — and asked me to move in with him.

We told my parents, who were concerned, but they were generally supportive of the idea. He was going to tell his parents, and eventually he did, three weeks after we told my parents. They reacted very differently from my family, saying it will never work between us, that we shouldn't even try, that I should have an abortion. They said it would be the responsible thing to do, that I had done it in the past, so it shouldn't be a big deal. After hearing his parents' strong views, he was flip-flopping again. I sat down with his family and told them that I was not getting another one. They said I would get over it. Bottom line: he said he was supporting me and we were going to do it, they appeared to accept it, and that was the end of it.


Or so I thought! A week and a half ago, I moved in with him — into the basement suite he rents from his dad to help with the mortgage — and everything was great. He was taking me on little dates, making me dinner, being very attentive. But when he came home from work three days ago, his dad stopped him outside and was telling him how terrible his life will be with me and a baby, that we are all wrong for each other, that we are going to fail as parents. He told him that we shouldn't be together and I should have an abortion and everything will be roses and rainbows forever. He was pinpointing all the negative things, and really freaked my boyfriend out. When my boyfriend finally came inside, he said he needed to really think about what he wanted, and I left.

We worked things out yesterday, but I really can't handle his dad being so nosy and involved. We had a plan in place, and we were happy together until his dad started freaking him out. How do I calm my boyfriend's fears and get his dad to butt out?

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luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Just make sure they all know you're keeping the child. They seem to think you're still unsure, so your bf could persuade you to have an abortion. Tell them that's not the case. You are solid in your decision. Whether or not your bf wants to be a father or his parents want to be grandparents is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that you are now pregnant, he will be a father, they will be grandparents, and they can't bully you into getting an abortion. Let them know they don't have to be there for the child, but you're still having the child no matter what. You need to settle into the mindset that you may be doing this alone. You just might end up being a single mother. Your bf is weak and impressionable enough that he is listening to his parents more than he is listening to himself, or even to you. He feels too pressured to make a decision of his own, so he keeps flip-flopping between what you want and what they want. He seems too mercurial, so don't be so surprised if he decides to skip out. Have a plan B- where will you live if you two don't stay together? Will you pursue legal action to obtain child support from him? Will you go through a custody battle? Don't assume the two of you will last. That may be nice, but it isn't guaranteed.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Bubbles said it very well. You can't force anyone to stop being nasty to you. You can't control how they reacted to you. It's suck that it's his family; but it's really up to your bf in the end on what he wants to do. The moment you're trying to manipulate someone into doing something that you want, you won't feel at peace in the future; you'll always be wondering if he'd be regretting his life and is miserable and both of y'all be miserable. That said, being pregnant can be a trying time, emotionally and physically you're experiencing changes; and even my husband had a 'fun' time trying to deal with me when I was pregnant; my high was super high and my low was just super low. But yeah, I know that he stuck by me; he never wavered no matter how hard it was and you deserve someone who can be your rock too. If I were you, my suggestion is to go to where your true blue supporters are; lean on them more so than leaning emotionally on your ambivalent bf. I'm not saying to leave him etc, still involve him with the preparations; maybe he can all excited about it, just know and realize that it's not doing you any good being around his family and sometimes even your bf. Be honest to him that you have fear because of his flip-flopping; that you love him and want to make this work with him and let him do what he needs to do. It can either be that he'll make his own decision to stick by you and your baby or he can turn his back; but whatever it is; let him make his own adult decision. I'm hoping that your bf would grow a backbone and would try hard to win you and your child over to his side, but right now, def. lean your family and friends, try to enjoy the excitement of motherhood. Get yourself to professional help too if you can; you probably need some objectivity in this situation. And although you may not prefer/like it; always get ready for that possibility that you may become a single parent. Prepare accordingly. Get forms for child support ready as well as plan on how to co-parent well with your bf if things don't work out.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 5 years
By the way, I thought i may add this for you to read. I found myself in a very similar situation to you, except it was my sister who was telling me to get an abortion and that it would all turn out wrong and be a huge mistake. So i can tell you that in my experience, the best thing i did was to ignore her. I stopped listening to her nasty comments and moved on with it all. Arguing with her only made it worse. You won't be able to change what anyone thinks but you can control how you react, which will help a lot. Surround yourself with positive people and please be happy. If your boyfriend really loves you and wants to make this work, like he made plans to do, he will stick by you. If he isn't going to and he lets his father control the way he thinks, then he will still have to pay and support his child. Stay strong girl and stay calm!
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 5 years
Joyful moment *
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 5 years
This is your decision. No one else can make it for you. It's about time his parents realised that and stopped making it horrible for you. Every time they have something negative to say, smile and come up with something positive right back at them. Be the bigger person here and move on, don't start further arguing with them, it will only cause you more stress. Which is not good for the baby. If the situation gets really bad, as in they don't eventually stop putting negative comments in your boyfriend's ear, you are going to have to walk away from them. Cut them out of your life. Pregnancy is stressful enough, without having people in your life that are negative around you. You need positive and supportive people. People that will really lift you up, and be there for when you experience the bad mood swings that come along with pregnancy It's so important to have a group of good friends and family and to let go of people that aren't. It all gets better within time, once you get rid of the negative ones. Think about how life will be with the baby. Also think about how it will be without your boyfriend, and as a single mother. He's not sure about this. If you continue the pregnancy, remember he will STILL have his doubtful days. It's normal for first time dads to be hesitant and worried, but be prepared for anything happening. You're going to have to be strong through the pregnancy and be up to handle anything. Good luck and remember it will get better, and p.s there will never be a more joyful than when you first see your baby on the ultrasound and get to hear the heart beating. It's so special, you will have plenty of special moments to come, this will pass. i wish you the best of luck.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
You can't change them, and if you attempt to do it you'll become the enemy of them all. Remember when someone tried to make you do something you didn't want to do? You resented and fought them. So don't be that controlling person. It will do no one any long term good. They've all been together a lot longer, you're the interloper. You're involved with a man who is still very much a boy, not a man who has separated emotionally or financially from his parents. He needs to figure that out on his own. Whenever you're thinking about how to manipulate someone, you're on a dangerous path. Because ultimately if you are successful in imposing your will instead of working with him you'll have a prisoner, not a partner. I have to ask you since you had an abortion before. It sounds like you're trying to use this to rewrite the past and get it right. I can understand the impulse, but what do you really have to offer to this child now? That's what you have to be focused on. You're not accepting the father's ambivalence and if you truly love him, you need to be able to do that. You need to pay attention to what he's saying and believe it because it's real, and act respectfully. Back off. If he really loves you, he'll get there on his own. If he doesn't, you've dodged a bullet by letting him go. The dream of 'someday' is very different than the reality. Words, dreams and fantasies are very easy to talk about, and unfortunately that's all they are. He actually hadn't proposed or apparently planned to yet. You two for all your romance weren't really that much in love beyond strong emotions. And love that supports a family is far more than strong emotions. That's what you're experiencing now -- the difference between romantic love and real day to day love. I think you need to step back and look at this from the perspective of "he's not into this". Pay attention to what is real in your corner. If you were on your own, what would you do? You've got a supportive family, that is your rock and foundation. I'd go back to them and discuss this pregnancy from the perspective that you might be on your own and what do they suggest? If you keep this child you're going to need a strong team. Start assembling them now and let him come to this on his own terms. Again, if you love the man you accept who he is, not a fantasy of who he is. You've got a lot of planning to do for the welfare of this child. Good luck!
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