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The How-To Lounge: Dealing with your Boyfriends Past Relationships

No one likes feeling jealous, it's a horrible quality to possess, but unfortunately, sometimes it's just part of human nature. But what about being jealous of people you don't even know? Like when you first start dating someone new and you find yourself being jealous of the mere thought that he once dated someone else besides you? Those feelings are a sure fire way to create distance between you and your partner so here are some tips to help combat your jealous thoughts when it comes to your boyfriends past relationships.

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  • Ask yourself why you are feeling this way: is your boyfriend making you feel insecure, does he have a history of cheating, does he constantly talk about his ex, etc.? If so, those might be red flags that this relationship isn't right for you, but if you are making false accusations, hopefully you can work together in order to get a grasp on your insecurities
  • Keep the lines of communication open -- honesty is always the best policy if you want to build a trusting relationship
  • It's inevitable that your boyfriend has a sexual past, just like you did, so try to keep it all relative. He chose to be with you so leave his past where it belongs -- in the past
  • Be aware that constantly bringing up his past will inevitably irritate him, causing nothing but harm to your relationship
  • Instead of factoring in his past, look at yours. Get to the bottom of your insecurities so you can move beyond his ex girlfriends
  • Trust is crucial in every relationship so if you are struggling to maintain a trustworthy connection, you might want to re-considering the relationship
  • Many couples stir the pot just to make up, so don't confusing playful jealousy for possessive jealousy. Also, if you are rocking the boat merely for reassurance, talking about your feelings is a much better route to take

The most important thing to remember is that your boyfriend has made a conscience decision to be with you, so keep your focus on the future and live in the moment. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
kahlee kahlee 8 years
Oh my god, this is exactly how I feel. Like, my boyfriends ex was my cousin. You know? And they were SO cute together and everything... I always thought they were like really good with each other, like there wasn't any problems. And so have my friends too, but then when I got together with him, I found out that they were only pretty much friends with benefits, which bothers me SO MUCH. Like, he only saw her at night pretty much, because his mom had problems with her mom. So he had to sneak around pretty much, and he'd have to say he was going over to see a friend, when really he went to go see her.. He says that she was stuck-up and everything. I don't know what he means by that because she really is sweet. Yeah anyways, to me it seemed like a bad relationship. They didn't really talk about anything at all, pretty much. But they had sex a couple of times...I don't get that either. I've seen him cry, so many times, and she hasn't. He tells me that he wanted to be with me all along, but he didn't because of my brother (his best friend). But yeah, it just bothers me to an extant, and nothing helps me get over it. Or his past flirts...
Ashtxox Ashtxox 8 years
I am so bad about the whole ex thing. My boyfriend now, is an amazing guy, he never talks about his ex, or anything. But i am such a jealous person. I almost dig myself into it. Just the thought of him being with someone else for a longer period of time then we've been together and shared memories together makes me sick. Anyways the reason i got into this jealousy thing was becuz when we first started dating, she would call him non stop, i sent him a bunch of pics of me to his hotmail and she went into his hotmail and checked his email and found them then freaked out on him. He told me about this so i got pissed off. Shed keep calling while he was at my house and everything. So he changed his number, which made me feel alot better about the situation. Anyways i got curious as to see wut she looked like, u no how girls r, compare themselves to other girls especially ex's, almost like a comfort thing to me to see if "i was prettier" then her. Anyways i ooked threw her pics and saw pictures of them when they were together, gone on little trips together, pics of flowers and cute things he bought her, and it just made me sick. I find myself still wanting to look at her profile, even tho i no it makes me sick and almost mad at him, but its not his fault she still keeps them up. but i just have to remember that was his past.. ugh.. :( i wish i never looked as hard as i did!! I feel awful. And im totaly not gunna tell him i looked at her profile.. cuz even i think thats alittle crazy.. What to do!?
laurarose520 laurarose520 10 years
I think jealousy is part of the XX pairing. I can listen to stories about my guys ex's and find them funny, but as soon as he meets up with one of them you can practically see the flames in my eyes. I know that they're over and done and he loves me, but my blood boils easy. I never let him see that I can be all wacky, but it's my nature. I trust him and I'd probably get along with his ex's, but I'd also fight any girl who makes advances on him.
melda melda 10 years
I have this problem too, nothing helps
MiyabiNa MiyabiNa 10 years
I get those insecure feelings every once in a while...a lot of times when I'm PMS which causes me to dig into things too much and "think too much" as I usually put it. I always put the issue on the backburner and then go back to it a couple days later and realize how stupid it was of me to think like that...and I always tell myself it's my PMS "thinking" talking cuz I know it is. I'm usually very glad that I put off the thought until I was sane again cuz it would just bring up some uneccessary drama and heartache if I had ever gone anywhere with it. On the other hand, it's normal to be jealous of ex's cuz just knowing that your significant other was intimate with someone before you makes you very curious and uncomfortable...esp if you have to see that person and you just know that they've been where you were and they're "familiar" with the territory. That kinda sucks. My bf remains friends with all his ex's...and I get along with all of them pretty much, but his last ex I have some problems with which I TRIED to be nice and be friends with, but it's been rocky. SHE was the one causing drama and being manipulative and my bf believes everything coming from her. It's so frustrating that she can do that still...and that irks me cuz it's like she's making sure she still has a hold on parts of him which SUCKS. I've learned my lesson about that from her so I've discused the issues with my bf which he did listen and tried to undersand me, but he was still not seeing what i was seeing (of course, I'm a girl, we see things different, he saw it as "drama"), and that hurt a little bit that he lets her play him like that... it just annoys me that she still sorta has a "spell" over him like that... yeah there will always be insecurities like that, but you just gotta work though them one by one...that's what I've been doing!
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 10 years
nuf said! I concur w/ popgoestheworld!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
bluejeanie I'm with you. I haven't dealt with this either. Most of my boyfriends have remained friendly with their exes and I've met them in various situations. I think it's because I'm on friendly terms with my exes that I can easily see how you can still like someone as a person and admire them but not want to be with them. I feel like my boyfriend made a choice to date me and that's kind of the end of it.
Mickey-tee Mickey-tee 10 years
im not really the jelous type but my bf dosent really talk much about previous gfs so im pretty lucky
Sugarrush0208 Sugarrush0208 10 years
I JUST went through this issue with my boyfriend. I found out that he didn't trust me enough to the point where he was checking on my myspace account and messages. We had a B-i-g talk about it and talked about trust and insecurities. We both have our weak points when it comes to it and we both have stuff to work on, but I think the good thing about it is, we both can relize this and work on it. OMGShitskat- me and my bf are the same way I am more of a shy person :X
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
this isn't something that i ever dealt with...i just assume that he had a life before i came along. :P i would dump a guy so fast for being jealous over past relationships. it's just silly stuff.
OMGSHitsKAT OMGSHitsKAT 10 years
I like this article. I have a jealousy issue with my boyfriend since he's Mr. Popular and I'm more of a closed person. It wasn't till now that I realized how different we are. We come from different crowds. In that case, I tend to get jealous of other people (girls) around him all the time. But I guess it's something I just have to step out of my comfort zone and not let it bother me.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
I agree with Fab4. I have to realize it is my own insecurities that cause me to be jealous over this one particular ex of my boyfriends. I am ok with the girlfriend he was with for several years, but for some odd reason I have a problem with the girl he calls a 'friend' but it was more like friends with benefits and sorta used her. I just don't know why. I am racking my brain and I don't know why I am insecure with that 'relationship.' Uh oh. Sounds like I have a group therapy post I need to do. LOL
fab4 fab4 10 years
whew! the one about getting to the bottom of my insecurities...hits home...
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