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How to Deal With Emotional Guys

Group Therapy: I Can't Date Emotional Guys

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

To start off, I'm not a very emotional person. I don't think it's a bad thing though, because I am usually happy all the time. Carefree if you will. Things just don't bother me. I rarely if ever get upset. What causes most, if not all of the ends of my relationships is that I think a man is too emotional. I can't stand it when they talk about their feelings. And I have no idea what to do when they get sad or mad.

Will I ever be in a long-term relationship? What's wrong with just being happy all the time. I am stress-free. Is anyone else like this? Can I learn to fake emotion? It's not that I don't care because I have cared deeply for my exes. I say I love you, and hug and kiss. I just don't like drama . . . I don't know. Please help. I have recently started dating another guy and I don't want to ruin it! Thanks.

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searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I think that maybe you should start keeping a daily journal . Also make a commitment to sit down by yourself on a daily basis, no distractions, just some alone time for you Take deep breathes, and meditate. Observe what comes up for you. Maybe you are supressing your emotions. Did you experience a past trauma that perhaps caused you to shut down emotionally? I would also seek out a well recommended psychologist, not to see if anything is wrong with you (you are who you are) but to get a deeper and better understanding of yourself. A skilled professional can help you explore that. I have an older friend who went through something very traumatic when he was young. He's a very kind, nice guy with a lot to offer. He never seems to want to talk about anything tough or emotional, even when it has nothing to do with him. He can't handle it, he just wants to be happy all of the time. I've known him for almost ten years and I have yet to see him in a lasting relationship and he does want a companion. Underneath the happy facade I think he's very lonely and sad. Your'e probably still young and haven't reached that point yet, but as you get a little older, your'e inability to form deep, meaningful relationships is going to catch up with you. Guy's are going to put up with it less and not to be harsh but you will most likely end up alone if you don't figure out what's going on. No one wants to be with an emotional refrigerator, you do start wondering what is wrong with this person, who is happy all of the time (like I did with my friend)? Do yourself a favor, see a professional and explore what is going on within and try the tips I mentioned above. Things will work out
Blackwood Blackwood 6 years
Actually, I understand the OP... I am the same way, a happy person with no complications in life (luckily)... my family and friends are alright, my economical situation is good, etc... but when I assure people I have no trouble coming from any front, they think I'm either repressing something (I am not, and they're not therapists) or pretending in order to hide something (I don't know what that could be)... only my old friends believe me, but I don't feel like I've got to justify myself either. If people don't want to believe that yes, I am happy (joyful even) and not bitter or stressed in way, then I guess there's nothing I can do about that. I can get bored/bothered with drama and over-the-top sensibility and vulnerability too... it's not because I'm trying to make people feel bad or something, it's just that I can't relate to it so I don't understand where do all those emotions come from. And no, I'm not a sociopath... my parents are doctors, my mother studied Psychology and trust me, they would know and do something about it. OP, you're fine.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Even sociopaths feel sorry for themselves and get mad when they don't get their way. I mean, even saying that you dislike when a guy gets all emotional shows annoyance. Which is low level anger. It's great to hear from an actual guy--about guys! Thanks for saying what you think, Jake. :) I also agree with postmodernsleaze, it's possible to elicit babyish behavior by acting momlike. If you gush and pamper a guy whenever he gets upset, it encourages him to wallow in it. Works much better to listen and then tell him you know he has what it takes to get through it, or that you know he'll figure it out.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
sometimes you have to put a wall up... its not easy breaking up with someone and hearing them on a daily basis telling you they are going to kill themselves or you... been there done that and the best thing i could have done was to completely remove myself from the equation. i'm not saying that's the extreme the OP is talking about but we never got an in depth explanation. OP if you need anyone to talk to feel free to direct message me on here. lol not big on giving my email out.
five7 five7 6 years
Your just like my brother always saying that hes the happy stress free one. But hes also the irresponsible one and only cares about his feelings and no one elses. I think that you do need to work on your feelings toward touchy guys. It is true that guys in a deeper relationship show their feelings more, and when you breakup with them your just putting a wall in front of you that tells them to back up if theri going to have feelings.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
OP I dont know what some of these posters are talking about. I too am a very happy person... things get me down MAYBE once every 2 weeks. And even then its nothing that really makes me complain or cry. And by no means am I suppressing any emotions. Some people are just capable of speaking their minds. Lies and biting your tongue is never good for you... and I (I'm sure you probably are too) am just one of those people that likes to speak my mind leaving me with nothing inside to drive me nuts. Now, as for your ex's... I've been with 2 men in my past who were complete nutso's when it came to emotions... as jake2010 said "the touchy-feely guys have a screw loose... " . I noticed that I got myself into a bad habit of picking these overly emotional guys... and it was always the men who fit my "TYPE". so... i took some amazing advice that i got from a male friend: It's better to avoid what you DON'T like instead of going for what you already know you like. This way you can find something new that you never knew you could have liked.... if that makes any sense. lol. either way i followed that rule and have found myself in a very healthy and emotionally STABLE relationship... GOOD LUCK!!!!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Oh, and I have to add that the comment about faking emotion stuck out to me. If you do feel like you are unable to completely deal with emotions and may be emotionally stunted, I suggest seeking professional help.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Well, there's some different possibilites here. You could attract more emotional guys because they see you as strong. They like you as their tower of strength. You could be discomforted completely by emotion, which is going to cause problems in relationships because inevitably something emotional will come up, or a trying time will come up, and when you need to band together the most, you will be unemotional and unavailable. I would work on ways to become more comfortable with vulnerability. This doesn't mean that you have to give up your carefree, happy attitude. You just need to become more comfortable with the fact that a wide range of emotions exists-- it's part of being human. Are you dating overly emotional crybabies, or are you dating normal people with normal emotions and you can't handle any kind of negative emotion whatsoever? If it's the latter case, you need to work on becoming more comfortable with a wide range of emotions or else this attitude will have an impact on your ability to keep meaningful relationships. If you're just attracting blubbering babies, well, then, think about where you find your men and what patterns you notice when you're dating. You just need to look elsewhere and tweak your dating habits. Stop taking on the "mommy" role.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
Perhaps you are just a really easy going person. In my experience, there are a lot of insensitive men that don't express their emotions very well or just are not in touch with them. I think that you have to make it clear to the guy from the outset that you are not emotional and you want someone who is the same way. I don't think that it will be that hard to find, because in my experience many men would like to be with a woman who is not emotional or anxiety ridden/depressed. It seems to me that many men complain about women being too emotional, so I cannot see it being that difficult to be with a man who is also not emotional. Having said that, it is NOT normal to ask if you can learn to fake emotion!! That comment disturbed me a lot so I wonder if you also are unable to experience empathy or guilt? You mention that you cannot stand it when men talk about their emotions. Is is the case that you cannot stand it because you do not experience those same emotions and therefore cannot relate? Can you also not stand it when women in your life or anyone else talk to you about emotions? You sound as if you are lacking in empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself into the other person's perspective and imagine/identify how they must be feeling and to feel deep compassion. It is basically the ability to feel another's pain. Can you do this in any circumstance? When you see an animal or person suffering do you feel empathy and compassion for them? From what I have studied, there are several psychological disorders in which the individual has blunted emotions and lacks empathy. Are you a pathological liar? You mention that you say I love you and hug and kiss the men that you date. Does this mean that you actually truly love them or do you just want to be in a relationship? Are you impulsive, do you have a history of behavioural problems when you were younger? These questions are related to antisocial personality disorder or what is more commonly known as sociopathy. Certainly, I do not know you and am not qualified to diagnose you. But the comment about asking if you can learn to fake emotions raises a red flag in my opinion, as I said earlier, that is NOT normal. Experiencing emotions and a certain amount of stress in your life is a normal part of the human condition. Stress in simply unavoidable and small amounts can help motivate you to improve your life and achieve. Do you feel genuine love and empathy for your parents or for that matter anyone in your life? Please check out this link on sociopathy:
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I can't quite relate with you OP because I have my 'sad' days, I get upset when things are bad or when the people I care about are sad. I always thought, there would be no 'happy' if there's 'sad' emotion. I mean, kind of like, you have to reconcile the existence of 'sadness' if there's such thing as 'happiness.' Perhaps you are an anomaly, OP :) Well, being considerate of other's feeling isn't about 'drama.' There's a good line differentiating drama (unnecessary) and just plain ol' being a human being with feelings and addressing an issue that happens to be an emotional one. It's just being considerate. Perhaps because you don't have a 'sad' button in your emotion, you also lack this 'empathic' button in your emotion. Well, you're just you, the problem is, the non-existence of empathy will probably not get you any lifelong mate...because as much a man can suppress their anger/sadness/frailty, they still exist in him and yah, sometimes things can spill out and if you can't deal with someone at their worst, he's going to think that you don't deserve him at his best too. Or, like Pistil suggests, date a Vulcan..or a guy with traits like one (watch Star Trek just in case you don't know what we're talking about). Good luck to you though.
darc5204 darc5204 6 years
Are you out of touch with your own emotions, "supressing" the way you really feel? If not, then clearly, most people don't understand you. You need to find a man that does. Be honest. If you don't know what to do, say so.
Jake2010 Jake2010 6 years
Please leadies! Don't ever date a sissy... the touchy-feely guys have a screw loose... makes my skin crawl... BUT - regular guys do have feelings and when we move from a casual relationship to a deeper one... we change a bit and feel safe to say what we feel as opposed to just what we think... let us say how we feel about something in our own way and do not judge us for it - or we'll clam up on you tight - it's hard for us to even identify our own feelings let alone express them properly.... Each gender has its strengths and weaknesses... guys in a committed relationship and who are mature will work on the "feeling" side of us.... to make the relationship stronger....
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Maybe you need a Vulcan.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
Part of being in a relationship is being able to tell the other person how you feel and having HONEST conversations about your feelings. As others have already said, it is highly abnormal to not feel upset once in a while. Being happy all the time about life is just not normal. You need to confront your issues.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I guess it's possible that there are people who could go through life without ever being upset about anything, but I'm guessing (unless you are Stepford wife model 2010) that BiWife is onto something when she says that you don't like other people's emotions because they tempt you to confront the emotions you are trying to suppress.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
I dunno. Maybe your just a strong person? Maybe your one of the lucky few who just feel pretty level all the time? One of the lucky few never who never had a death in the family, loss of job or health or something? Maybe you use logic to understand the world? Only bad part about that is you won't be able to be a compassionate person, or depend on anyone else if something does go wrong in your life. The thing is, in life, love is really the only lasting thing. Money and jobs and cars and all material things will disappear. When they do, wouldn't it be nice to have a friend or two to talk to? I would maybe try your best to get an understanding of what it is you want. Also be careful. Because you are so content, and perhaps logical in thinking, many people will try to hurt you and you won't know how to deal properly with insults.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I don't buy that you're happy and stress-free all the time--unless you're some sort of princess or happen to be on some very good meds. When you feel down or frustrated you want someone to listen to you and help you cheer up, right? Do that for other people. Yes, you will end up alone if you can't accept frailty and emotions in men.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
There is a difference between putting on a smiling face every day and pretending you're happy, and actually being happy. The normal person *isn't* happy 100% of the time, we have normal ups & downs of emotions. I mean, I suppose it's possible that you really do have everything going your way all the time & no one ever bothers you, but I highly doubt that. Which means, you're not even dealing with your own emotions, so of course someone else's emotions are problematic since they force you to remember you feel things besides happy, too. There's also a big difference between consideration of people's feelings and drama. Just because someone is upset doesn't mean that they're causing drama.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
It looks to me as you want to be happy all the time and not get too deeply in touch with emotions (your own or your significant other's) because you are afraid of getting hurt. It seems that you are using this as an excuse not to get too involved in the relationship so in the end you don't end up hurt. Whenever it comes to relationships, there is always a risk and when you are really in love you accept it. Maybe you are not ready for that. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I get from what you wrote.
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