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How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Jealousy Issues?

How Do I Deal With My Boyfriend's Jealousy Issues?

Dear Sugar,

I have a dilemma. I am 20 years old and I am a senior in college. I love to go out clubbing and partying with my girlfriends, but my boyfriend of three years hates the idea of guys coming up to me, dancing with me, talking to me, etc. even though I am not the least bit interested in any of them. How do I make him more comfortable with the idea of me going out to have fun with the girls? I am sick of arguing with him when I want to go out and I want him to see my side. Do you have any suggestions? Party Bound Patty

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Party Bound Patty,

It sounds like your boyfriend is having some trust issues. Have you ever been unfaithful or is there a specific reason why he doesn't want you heading to the clubs without him? I understand your desire to spend time with your gal pals, but it sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and reassure him of your love for him and your fidelity.

Let him know that your only intention at the clubs is to let loose with your friends, dance, have fun, and other guys are not part of the equation. In all relationships, I think it is extremely important to have alone time with your friends, but get to the root of your boyfriend's insecurity because a night out with your pals isn't worth ruining a three-year relationship with the man you love.

Join The Conversation
Brinniey Brinniey 8 years
It's never a good feeling knowing that you're boyfriend is jelous of your friends and other guys that you're not even interested in. You sometimes get the impression that he's making you chose who you would rather be around without saying so. One strategy which is normally the one that gives the best results is to sit down and talk to him. Next time you see that he is acting differently (jelous) sit him down and ask him what is bothering him (even though you know exactly what is) Explain to him that they are just your friends and you have every right to be around them, just like he does with his friends. Tell him you care for him deeply but he has no right to try and tell you what to do and try and make you feel intimidated or pressured. Alot of guys will say "It's not that i don't trust you, I don't trust other guys" But remember...if he really had trust for you then he would know that nothing would happen. Tell him "This is how it is, i'll be around my friends if i want to, you cannot tell me otherwise. You have your right your friends...and i have mine" If he cannot respect that then it's up to you what you do, but just know that the very basis of a relationship relies on trust.
bfly1133 bfly1133 10 years
I don't believe that jealousy in and of itself it a bad thing. There comes a point when it is dangerous or ridiculous, but at the same time I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't mind me flirting up a storm with someone else. Like some of the other posters said, I think it is important for you to have another go at a conversation with him. I don't think he has a problem with the girls nights; I think there is more going on there. Dive deeper into it, ask him questions, and truly listen to what he has to say. Explain, once again, why you like to go out with your friends and dance. Explain what you say to people that are interested and tell him you back away from them. (You do back away, right?) Explore what he does with his friends and see if he has a double standard for you. He may or may not, I don't know. Don't assume that because he is a guy that he off flirting with other women. Some people will never be comfortable with dance clubs, just like some people aren't comfortable with strip clubs. If he can't get beyond this, you need to decide if you are willing to compromise. Can you do something else with your girlfriends? Or is this a deal breaker? My husband wasn't a fan of dance clubs when we were dating. He wasn't comfortable with me going with the girls because of how rough some guys can get. So, we compromised. When we went dancing, it was a big group thing and it was more fun because I could dance with him. The girls and I just did other things. I still got to dance, and be with my friends. This may not work for you and that's okay. You are young and you need to do what is best for you. Wow! That was long! I didn't mean it to be, but that is my two cents....I hope it helps.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
You need to make the decision now if you want to live your life giving up things you love to do because your boyfriend can't handle it. He is trying to control you because of his own insecurities. I do not think inviting him out to a girls night is the answer if I was your friends I would be annoyed to see your boyfriend there to babysit. He needs to learn to deal with it because it will only get worse.
Marci Marci 10 years
Jealousy = Bad News If he's just a little jealous, that's not a bad thing. But if he's very jealous, it's only going to get worse. And that is NOT worth dealing with. Been there, done that.
kittycat kittycat 10 years
i would have issues if my man flirted with other women. but he doesnt flirt cuz its sinful to lust. u need to build up some trust between u and ur man.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
i wouldn't put up with it. tell him you're not cheating on him and have intentions to do so. if he can't deal with you going out and having fun with your girlfriends he isn't much of a man. does he go out and have fun with his boys?
smith3 smith3 10 years
Is your boyfriend in the same place as you, or is distance part of the issue? Obviously if he's further away, then he might find the thought of you heading out partying more difficult to take, and you might need to put in a bit more effort to make sure he knows he's still important to you. But if he's around then I agree with the others: invite him along and show him how easy you find it to have a good time without doing anything stupid or drooling over other men.
mandiesoh mandiesoh 10 years
:rotfl: yayi! LOL LOL! seriously? you didnt mention if you ever chat back with them or flirt, or dance with them and stuff. some guys are okay with girls clubbing, but only cos they know that their girls are only dancing and hanging w girlfriends, and not hitting it up with other guys. im sure you wouldn't like your guy chatting up a storm with other girls too, innocent or not. i dont know, cos you didnt say if you do dance w these guys that talk you up.. in any case, why dont you just have a nice talk, and let him know what you do (hang out, dance w the girls etc) so that he understands that he's got nothing to fear. more importantly, you should find out what's really troubling him. i dont think its the idea of clubbing per se. you gotta talk girl! and no fighting!
mississippigirl1 mississippigirl1 10 years
My fiancee is just like this... Fortunately, partying isn't that important to me so it's not really an issue too often, and that's pretty much our only thing we disagree about. It's weird though because sometimes he'll get fussy about it and other times he doesn't really seem to mind. Oh well, I've come to the determination that men are strange creatures...
rkdub rkdub 10 years
Also, if he is jealous now, just wait until you get a career... what if you have to travel out of town for work? What is he going to do then, thinking about you out and about in a different city? I have experience dealing with that... you think it's not that big of a deal at first, but then it will just keep getting worse and worse and worse. Insecure guys that ALSO have trust issues take everything WAY wrong and will make you miserable in the long run... even if you are 100% faithful and honest. It's not you, and there is nothing you can do (short of couples therapy) that is going to change him. I say, at 20, dump him and have your fun.
MandiMark1 MandiMark1 10 years
be careful. you're only 20 and you don't need someone telling you what you can/cannot do. talk with him, and if he still can't trust you, then it might be time to make some changes. good luck! xo
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
maybe he has issues with control. I dated a guy like that in college. He was always jealous when I would go out. He got kicked out of the picture not long after
almost-famous almost-famous 10 years
Well i don't think you're as "daring" or " independent" as me. I would of left. No need for a man with insecurities. Either you STOP bringing him the the club with you or you LIE. What he don't know won't hurt his little heart!
yayita yayita 10 years
kick him in the balls
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
I agree with Dear's advice. Also, just take him with you one night! Maybe after he goes with you he'll be more comfortable with it. Also, if some guy comes up to you and starts talking and whatever, turn him down PRONTO. You wouldn't want one of your girlfriends running back to your boyfriend saying, "Your girl was flirting with some guy!" That would open a whole can of worms for you. Show some respect for your man and don't even talk/dance/drink with any guys at all.
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