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How Do I Deal With My Mother-in-Law?

"My Husband and I Have Never Lived Together"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

What do you do when you and your husband don't live in the same home? We've been together a total of 19 years and married for four. We've talked about living together, but he has his mother and 22-year-old son living with him and I have my 22-year-old son (who is away at college) with me. I am tired of living in separate homes and so is my husband, but he doesn't actually do anything about it. I've been patient, but I cannot take it anymore! I love him and he loves me as well. My mother-in-law thinks my husband is her husband and we don't get along. I also recently lost my job, so money has put a strain on our marriage. What must I do to let him know that it's them or me?

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poindexterregan poindexterregan 5 years
I agree with silje, his mom and your two sons are all old enough to take care of themselves. But why is he still living with his mom and son so long after you got married? Is his mother frail and can't get along without him? But now she has her grandson to help her. The living arrangements should have all been worked out before the wedding. If your apartment is big enough for the two of you plus occasional visits from your son, that seems like the most obvious and quickest solution. But I don't understand why you allowed this situation to go on so long.
Silje Silje 5 years
I don't have any experience with this, but if you two want to live together you absolutely must start to work on this, as a team, today. You should really talk it through, ask him over for dinner at your place and tell him that you want to talk about your future together.    First find out what you two want to do. Should he move in with you and let your mother-in-law keep the house? Your 22-year-old sons are old enough to find places to live on their own, but remaining a holiday home for them is of course not unheard of. Do you live in the same city? Do the two of you want to sell your homes and get an apartment just for the two of you (preferrably with one or two spare rooms for the sons?). When you have decided what's best for the two of you as partners, the two of you should sit down with the rest of the family, as an united front so as not to piss off the mother-in-law, and tell them how it's going to be. All of them are adults and they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, even if they need some help in the beginning.     The best of luck to the both of you, it's about time you started living the life that you both want :) 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Bubbles has hit it on the head. You can't force anyone to change, or to make the choices that you want or even need them to make. You can't control what another person does. You can only control your actions, your choices, your behaviors, your reactions to others. He has shown you were his priorities are, believe him. Believe what he if what he says and what he does are two different things, then what he says has no meaning. That's a tough thing to hear, but you are at a point where you need to stop waiting, expecting, planning on him to step up and take care of you, or to choose you over his mom. You need to take care of you, your kid, and your financial responsibilities. You need to depend on you. You are the resource you are the one person you can depend on. Time to learn that life lesson. take good care
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
You're his wife, do they know that yall are married? My mom moved in after daddy died and she needs some one to take care of her but that wouldn't stop me from having a wife. That's weird
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Your husband hasn't done the adolescent work of separating from his mother. It's his to be motivated to do, no one else can do it and your pressure just plays into his game of holding out on you. The big question: why are you into him, accepting this arrangement and trying to change a man-child into a man? What's the attraction? You my friend are the one who needs to do the work and changing in this equation. Despite appearances, he is an adult and your trying to change him is really inappropriate. It creates a very negative cycle you aren't going to win and you just become 'the bad guy'. When anyone says they want to do one thing but do another, the actions tell you what they value more. Listen, learn and believe -- and act accordingly.
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