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How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.


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When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

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CrimsonDoll CrimsonDoll 7 years
No relationship will work without trust... Those girls get paid to do this, they aren't trying to sleep with your hubby, they are trying to feed their children or college fund or whatever, this is what i have been told from others and it helped me! I almost left my bf for getting a lap dance 2 years ago... I know that it's okay that sometimes they need to feel like they have options... but they will never go to the other option... Really think about what it is that bothers you about him going there...? Did he go all alone? That I would be weirded out by, you gotta give more details if you want better advice!? xoxo
Girl101 Girl101 7 years
I would not worry so much about it. I have been married for 12 years now and sometimes my husband has to go to these clubs with his clients. He has never hidden it from me. While he knows I do not approve of such places, we both know that it just part of his job that supports our family. I have never felt threatened by these place as my husband is really to cheap to pay for sex.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I would say that I'm with spacekat 100%, but I don't agree that he did something shady. It doesn't sound from the post like he was trying to hide it so much. Then again, I couldn't care less if my partner went to strip clubs, so that might be part of it.
jnice5000 jnice5000 7 years
Your husband loves you, he married YOU. Going to a strip club is not going to change that and its really nothing to take personally. Unless he develops a habit of going all the time and you no longer have sex, its nothing to worry about. They just like to look. He probably wasn't the least bit turned on, probably there with his friends doing the 'guy thing'. Just because he's at a strip joint doesn't mean he wants to cheat or no longer wants you, blah, blah, blah. It's not even about you. He's just being a guy. I hope you don't get mad at him for masturbating too. Sometimes you just gotta let them be men and appreciate all the awesome stuff about him instead of dwelling on his 'guyness'. I've been to strip clubs with my husband and he tells me its not really a turn-on. He likes to see women dancing or whatever, but its detached, like looking at a picture, it doesn't inspire any action.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
I'm sure there are some details not mentioned but from what I read it sounds like a case of peer pressure and lack of communication. If you are indeed open minded and easy going as you suggest I gather if he would have brought it up before hand he would have gone with your blessing so he could hang out with the guys. I too would feel slighted if my partner didn't say anything but if he had talked to me about it openly I'm sure I would have said sure go have fun honey.
PirateKitty PirateKitty 7 years
Also you said he told you it was a strip club when you asked about the bill right? He could have lied, and if he had something to be guilty about he probably would have. Anyhow strip clubs are most of the time just entertainment, they are fun, and it doesn't mean he doesn't find you hot too.
sourcherry sourcherry 7 years
I agree with others that said that you shouldn't take it a personally. A man married to a supermodel that is also the goddess of sex will want to go to a stripclub. It has nothing to do with you. Also, he probably just went because his buddies insisted... But I can understand however why you'd feel hurt to find out through the a bill, and not from him. Maybe you should talk to him about it, but try to be a little understanding... I mean, if for some reason you ended up doing something your husband wouldn't probably approve, would you tell him? Maybe you would, but you'd consider keeping it to yourself as well...
Hello890 Hello890 7 years
Oh, I completely understand how you feel! My husband was sent overseas in the military for 16 months and I worried about him too, but the bottom line is that you must trust him. Even though it seems like this is eating up your life right now, in the grand scheme of things it is most likely insignificant. The best thing to do would be to KINDLY, ever so GENTLY let him know how you feel, because you should be honest with him and he needs to know you're not comfortable with this right now. Perhaps, write him an email or letter, so that you don't end up using precious phone time arguing. Also, If you attack him about this, it will just push him away. Once, I had a guy friend whose girlfriend freaked out because he went to a strip club and things got ugly. That same night, my guy friend told me that he thought I was so awesome for letting my husband go to the strip club with them...that it probably made my husband want me more, because he knew I trusted him. Even though we both hate strip clubs (they're dirty and degrading to women), I knew it was just about hanging out with his buddies and drinking some beer...nothing else. One more piece of food for thought: my husband and his army buddies told me that the entire time they were over there all they could think of was their wives/girlfriends and it was all they fantasized about too...not the women in their playboy magazines, etc. I sent my hubby sexy pics of me and he certainly appreciated that!
lilkimbo lilkimbo 7 years
When I read it, I automatically assumed he didn't know how she felt before going. Why would he easily admit it when asked if he knew it would really hurt her and cause a fight?
lilkimbo lilkimbo 7 years
Do we even know for certain that the original poster's husband knew how she felt about strip clubs before going?
juicebox07 juicebox07 7 years
I'm like the OP. I despise strip clubs. I think they're dirty, nasty places, and I wouldn't want my boyfriend going there. Fortunately, my bf says that he has no reason to go to one because everything he wants is right in front of him. His friends have invited him several times, but he's turned them down. If OP is uncomfortable with her husband going, then has a husband who cares for her, he should respect her wishes and not want to make her feel upset.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 7 years
jennibean5, that's what I see as the issue too. Also I highly doubt it was his first time in a strip club. Maybe his first time in THAT strip club. But I still don't see that as a big deal, the big deal is the lack of trust from both of them (he didn't trust that he could tell her that he was going to a strip club, and she doesn't trust him because he went to one). Look at the big picture.
jenni5 jenni5 7 years
My issue is that you had to find out that he went there through your bank statements and not from him!
chloe-bella chloe-bella 7 years
The OP is taking this way too personally. Regardless of whether it was "right" or "wrong" for him to go, she should not see his doing so as reflecting on her in any way. The more likely thing is that he was out with a group of guys and felt like he had to go along with the group. The emotional trauma associated with his deployment is likely magnifying this one event to more than it actually is.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 7 years
me too, just because he was at a strip club doesn't mean he was "lusting after the women".
lilkimbo lilkimbo 7 years
Karlotta, I'm with you. I don't see why women make such a big deal over it when their husbands go to strip clubs in groups with friends. OP, I know you said you're not unattractive and I'm sure you're not, but I think you sound a little insecure. There's nothing wrong with telling your husband how his visit to the strip club made you feel (at the appropriate time, of course), but maybe you should also think about working on your own insecurities.
Ac2366 Ac2366 7 years
This has already been resolved in Group Therapy. The OP even posted a thanks to everyone that contributed.
nikkisoda nikkisoda 7 years
I would need to know why he went. Was it with a group of guys or did he go by himself. Also were there lap dances involved. If it was with a group of guys and no lap dances I'm totally okay with that. If there were lap dances............dead man. *Unless he is newly 18 I doubt this was his first time in a strip club.
weffie weffie 7 years
Going to a strip club isn't really a big deal, especially for young guys in groups... If he was withdrawing sums of cash for dances and other favours, I could understand maybe worrying about cheating. But the guy only paid cover, just to look, probably (at least in part) because he misses you. I'd give him a break and try trusting him. If looking at a couple of naked girls is really, truly "just like cheating" to you, you probably should have married someone in a different profession.
karlotta karlotta 7 years
He probably went in there with a group of fellow navy guys, right? I'm assuming he didn't do this on his own! Listen, it was probably a way for them to bond and to pretend they're careless and young and happy, before they're shipped off to war. It's a man thing (quite stupid, gross to some, but just something that guys do) and I'm quite certain that he was more into the camaraderie than into the girls. Being deployed, leaving you all by yourself, is a huge burden for him, and he's probably been thinking about it a lot - so if he went to think of something else for a couple of hours, and that brought his stress and his guilt down, all the better. He didn't go in there for the sex; he obviously loves you, is committed to you; he went as a soldier amongst other soldiers, for the bonding and the testosterone and the guy idiot thing; and to relieve a bit of the "going to war" stress by doing something "forbidden" and silly. You have to forgive him, and also stop worrying that he will cheat on you. It is really not the same thing. I'm quite certain this was a one-time deal, for all the reasons mentioned above; and if he loves you, I'm even having a hard time imagining him staring at dancing hoohas with a lurid eye; I'm thinking he had his nose in his beer, getting drunk with his fellow soldiers, trying to forget that he's about to do something really dangerous and difficult. You are being very brave to keep all this to yourself until he comes home. It's very kind and considerate of you. You will see that with time, you will forget the hurtful imaginary things in your head, and come to understand his silly, immature, but totally understandable behavior. Don't worry. He loves you. He married you. He's off to war - not to the whorehouse.
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