Remember when you and your partner couldn't keep your hands off each other? You'd fit in quickies when you could because waiting any longer was unbearable, and you couldn't imagine the honeymoon phase ever fizzling out? If all that now sounds like a distant memory and you want it back, it's a lot easier than you think.
First and foremost, let me just say that the end of that fire-hot period you once experienced is not a negative reflection of you and your SO's current state. In fact, moving on from that stage can be a good indication [1] that you've entered a period of deeper intimacy. You see each other for who you really are and your love is more authentic than ever before. But if you've noticed that your sex life has simmered down a little more than you'd like, luckily, it doesn't take much to kick things back into gear.
When speaking with sexual wellness coach Lauren Brim [2] about the subject, she said you don't have to pull all the stops to restore that fire. It's all about going back to the basics.
"We have to keep energy into that sexual relationship as in the same way we maintain our bodies through regularly working out," she told POPSUGAR. "And like how we show up to our jobs, we have to show up sexually for our partners [4]. And that means talking to them about sex, talking about what you want to experience with each other, sharing fantasies."
"And like how we show up to our jobs, we have to show up sexually for our partners."
Simply talking about your desires can be enough to reignite your sex life [5]. Think about it, the longer you're with someone, the more things start to go unsaid. It was more necessary to share what worked and what didn't in the bedroom when you first started dating because sex with one another was still new. But sex eventually seems more like a chore when it shouldn't. And that's when you and your partner need to step in before it completely goes off the wayside.
"I talk to women so much who don't even tell their partners they want to have sex!" Brim said. "They don't even initiate sex and they wait for them or they don't tell them about things and even lie about watching porn. When we talk about sex, we get aroused, and I think it's one of the best ways to keep that energy flowing is to talk about that over dinner and to keep discovering new things about each other sexually and that brings the novelty — you don't have to be buying a new sex toy or trying a new position. Humans are so infinitely complex in every way and that includes sexually, so just keep discovering new things."
Not only should couples continue having those conversations, but Brim also mentioned that you need to keep up the "vulnerability about desire" and not be shy about communicating things that turn you on and off. If you and your partner don't already share what kind of fantasies you each have, Brim explains why you should start ASAP.
"You can play out a million fantasies with one person and I think that's fascinating about sexuality," she said. "It's not that you're with someone thinking about someone else; you're viewing your partner through all of these different lenses. You're seeing a side of them that's unfamiliar, so keeping that freshness in how you see them is really important."
It's common to reach a level of comfort with your significant other that makes you forget about how sexy you once thought they were. The example Brim used was say you're heading off to a wedding, and they come downstairs in a tux or a dress that they rarely ever wear. Seeing them in that different light will inevitably stir up some kind of response in you. Similarly, playing out various fantasies you both may have will have the same effect. You're also breaking down a barrier between you and entering a new level where you support each other's sexual curiosities.
Remember to keep asking each other questions, also. Find out what turns him or her on most, what's something they've always wanted to do to you that you haven't yet done, etc.
"Allow that creativity and curiosity to remain a part of your sexuality," Brim said.
Start here and see where your sex life goes.