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How Do I Move On From My Ex Boyfriend?

"How Can I Move On When He Still Contacts Me?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Every time I post my issues here I get really good advice, so here it goes.

I had been dating this guy since 2005 when we broke up last May — for the fourth time. We broke up because he was treating me like I wasn't one of his priorities, along with the fact that he had stopped putting effort into our relationship; he would disappear for days, he wouldn't tell me when he was going out with friends, and he stood me up several times. I decided to confront him and he said he needed time. That was the second time he asked me for that, so I decided it was better to break up. He texted me a couple of times after that and I decided to tell him that I didn't want to be friends, that I was mad and sad for everything that had happened, and that I wanted my time alone.

One month had passed and we still hadn't talked. I felt good, sometimes a little sad, but overall I thought I was moving on, until he contacted me again. Last week, he sent me an email telling me that he was moving. We lived in the same neighborhood so the fact that he was going to move really hit me hard. I cried; I hadn't cried during this whole time, not even the day we broke up and I felt really bad. I responded saying how I was going to miss living in the same neighborhood as him and that we were probably never going to see each other again; he then told me that he still wanted to see me.


Anyways, we ended up emailing each other for a few days, and the last email said that he was finally gone. In one of the previous emails he even asked me if I had watched the new Spider-Man movie yet and I thought he was going to invite me. I replied "no, I haven't but I want to" and he responded "Yeah, I heard it's good." The fact that he didn't invite me hurt and everything has been really hard since. I thought I had moved on, but it turns out that I haven't. I check my email every ten minutes and get very anxious.

Some of my friends tell me that it's a great thing that he moved and how it's going to help me move on since I won't be bumping into him as often. They also say that I should ignore his next email or just write him back telling him that he shouldn't contact me anymore; sometimes I want to tell him that, but the thought of losing him is just horrible. Don't get me wrong I know I have to move on, but I just don't know how to. I don't know how to ignore him or tell him to stop contacting him. I guess I have to find out why he keeps contacting me, being nice to me, and telling me that he wants to see me? Does he still want to be with me?

So, please help. Do you have any methods to move on? Or do you have any insight into what he wants from me?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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pairodd pairodd 5 years
My ex did the same. I blocked his email, and his phone number.You need to remind yourself that you WANT to move on. He will use you because you will be there. Until you WON'T be there.and YOU need to decide not to be there. Otherwise, you will fill the blank spaces between whatever he has going on. You will not fill his life, that has already been proven. You will only fill the blank spaces. I have a few friends that have not got this message (ED?  KS?  Are you listening???  YOU need to stop returning the emails, calls and texts.  Nothing good will come from it,  just more hurt for you, and more feeding of HIS ego...Good luck!! It is not easy, at any age...
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I agree that if you're not going to get back together,it's best to cut contact. When you're still in touch it just confuses matters and makes you start acting and feeling the way you are acting and feeling now. Like Henna said, it's like grieving a death. All the space that person filled in your life is empty now (believe me, I know, I've btdt). But if you give yourself time and space, you will eventually fill that space...with friends, family, new interests, and possibly even a new man. In order to get over him, you need to ask him to respect your wishes of no contact. Wish him well with his life and move on with yours. Good luck.
phxgirl phxgirl 5 years
Let me possibly prepare you. My ex husband has been texting or emailing me daily since our divorce in 2006. Every time I make a suggestion to get together (testing the waters) it falls on deaf ears or is declined. (Your spiderman situation is very familiar to me). I would suggest you not respond ever again if you really intend on moving on. I would guess he contacts you because he doesnt want to completely let go. Remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words".  Im sorry for your pain, dont let it go on for 7 years like I have allowed. 
matoad matoad 5 years
Funny enough, an important part of moving on is to be aware - and remind yourself -  that the reasons why he still contacts you actually don't matter for you at all. Unless you want to get back together, which you don't, right? One detail I noticed was that by saying that you're going to miss living in the same neighbourhood, you basically opened a door, so he might just have been playing along a bit. Another important 'trick' to moving on that I found very helpful: Know that it hurts, and it's going to hurt for a while. Feeling pain doesn't mean you haven't moved on, it just means you're still in the process. Which is totally fine - getting over a breakup often just doesn't go that quickly. I once heard that half the duration of the relationship is a ballpark time when the breakup actually stops hurting. Obviously doesn't apply all the time, but a nice thing to keep in mind :) . Staying in contact seems like it'll reduce the hurt for a bit, but it actually just prolongs the process. So being fine with the pain will make ways of avoiding it (like, staying in contact or getting back together) seem less attractive, and you can move on much better. Good luck!  
dragonfireheart dragonfireheart 5 years
To be honest after reading this I think the problem is that you are remembering all the good times a little too well and downplaying the bad a little. The best thing to move on is remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Remember him standing you up or never telling you when he's hanging out with other friends. When your in a relationship (well a serious one that is) it's best to communicate with your partner when you make plans with others and if you already have an obligation you let them know whats happening. When my girlfriend dumped me after a few years out of college (she was my ex from high school.. who I broke up with). I was devastated and heart broken. For a couple of days it tore me up but I kept busy by going to work. Watching a lot of movies and well pretty much anything to take my mind off of her. What helped was keeping a list of things why it wouldn't have worked out and why I broke up with her in the first place and why it wouldn't have worked a second time. But like everything in life the choice is yours to make and I wish you luck. Just remember that the good and bad relationships make you stronger and help define who you look for in friends and significant others. There is probably a guy out there who is much better than your on again off again boyfriend whom is much more in tune with your needs. By the way my sister (whom I go to for all my advice...I trust her with everything) once asked if my ex asked to form a relationship again would I do it? I responded saying no even when at the time my heart was saying I wanted to give it one more shot (third times a charm). But I knew that if I said yes and did give my ex another shot we would probably be having an on again off again relationship which will lead no where but lots of broken hearts. Once again good luck.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
If you're going to continue to be broken up, then it doesn't matter what he wants. If you are going to continue to be broken up, then you need to stick to your original plan, and cut off contact with him. You won't be able to get past this if you are still looking for his texts, emails, phone calls. So if you're serious about the end of this relationship, and you had great reasons for breaking up, again, then you need to stick to your guns about the space and no contact. Every loss requires that you grieve. The loss of a relationship is like the loss of a loved one to feel that hole in space that used to be filled by that spend time remembering what was good, and what wasn't....except that when that person is gone from your life, but not dead, sometimes the best thing to do is to delete them from your life so that you can commence to refocus, and adjust to the lack of them. You can't do that if your ex is constantly pushing himself into your life. And the only one who can make that stop is you. If you are serious about the break up, then tell him, again, that you don't want any more contact, and if he doesn't respect your boundary, then block him. Take a positive step to protect yourself from his intrusion into your life and focus while you work to move past this breakup. After grieving, there is a process to moving on. It's an agressive refocusing of your thoughts, your energy, your priorities. Every time you find yourself thinking of your ex, you choose another thought, intentionaly. Pick something, a happy memory or a new goal....and bend your thought on the new focus.....every time. It takes practice, persistence and determination. You're breaking an old pattern and building a new pattern. Choosing new activities also helps.....spending some time on yourself, a new workout, a new class will open you up to new people and an aggressive workout that is difficult and forces you to seriously focus will help you keep your thoughts in a healthy place. I generaly suggest something like boxing or a martial arts or self defense you a place to put any leftover bad feelings or resentments from the behaviors that broke the relationship. So listen, I understand that you have love for this man, a lots of history, but it sounds to me as though he's not serious about the relationship part of this partnership. If he were, he'd be working to change the behaviors you've described. Relationships are work. Loving someone is the starting point, not the end point. Loving someone and living with them, including them in your life, your decisions, making them a priority, as you've said, is work. And if he's not willing to do the work, then the relationship will never be successful. You have a lot of years of him not doing the work, so believe his behavior, not his words. Don't worry about what he might want now, and decide what it is you want. And if what you want is a successful relationship, then it's time to let go of what hasn't been working, and move on in your life to a place where you are again open to new possiblities, new people, a new future. There are lots of folks on this site who give great advice about moving on, and getting past the old relationship. Good luck with your choice, whatever you choose, and with the work that comes with it. take good care
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