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How Do I Tell Him I Want More Sex?

Group Therapy: How Do I Tell Him I Want More Sex?

This is an excerpt from a question in Group Therapy on our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I am 24, and he is 49. Yes, I know. It's a very obvious age difference, but the reality of the situation is that neither of us gives a damn what anyone else thinks. I will be 25 in a couple months, he will be 50 a few months after. He looks and seems like he could be 40. Everyone agrees when they meet him that he looks and seems younger than his actual age.

I really and truly do not care that there is a 25-year age gap between us. I would marry this man and have kids with him tomorrow if that's what we decided to do.


The ONLY problem in our age difference that is causing me to question is this: We do not have the same sex drive. I know he's attracted to me; he thinks I am the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on. And I think he's the most gorgeous man. The passion is there. The chemistry is there. The problem is, I want to f*ck his brains out every single time we're together, but I just sense that his drive is not in the same mode as mine. If we were cars, I am accelerating down the freeway and he is coasting through a country road on neutral.

I need to bring this up to him, because I'm starting to get aggravated. When we have sex, it's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. But we don't do it enough, and I am struggling with a way to bring this up in the most sensitive, tactful, appropriate manner that does not make him feel like less than a man. My friends who are all my age say I need to own it and come out with something like, "I need this. You need to step up and put it in or take Viagra." Funny? Maybe. Horrific and hurtful? Absolutely. I am falling in love; I DO love him . . . I don't want to hurt him.

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searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
To Add: My boyfriends mother left her young Harvard educated husband to be with an older man. Obviously her young husband was'nt doing it for her, so compatibility is not just about age They now have two beautiful grown children in their 20's my boyfriend and his sister. They have a lovely country home, 7 acres of land and have a good life. They've been together for 30+ years. There are tradeoffs for being with an older guy and I'm sure not all of them are bad. The ability to communicate in a mature way. knowledge of oneself, less likely to be looking for affairs( not that all younger guy are)-these are some of benefits.At least that's what I've heard from women dating older men. It's all about who you love and learning to compromise. My boyfriends father seems younger than his wife sometimes and he's much older then her. He certainly has more energy. He's one of the youngest people I know (in terms of mental attitude/outlook). I want to be like him when I grow up. Lol I've never enjoyed hanging around an older person so much in my life and I actually get excited when his parents say their coming to visit. You just need to work on the incompatibilities in your sex drives. Also, you are not going to be 24 forever and having kids or other life changes may cause changes in your sex drive as well. It's offensive to assume you are going to cheat, just because he is older. Anyone, young or older can be cheated on as I'm sure, most of us know. You know yourself so don't listen to that. Just do the things you need to spice things up and stay connected emotionally, not just physically. Good luck
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
My boyfriends parents have the same age difference, about 25 years. They've been together longer than that. They're one of the cutest couples I've ever seen. F@ck people and their hangups about age, you know how amazing he makes you feel. Take the advice of some of the posts here, spice it up! Also accept the differences in sex drive and when in need occasionally use a vibrator. My boyfriend is only 28 yrs old and when he's stressed or super busy with grad school he's not always down for sex either, so please.Truth is, like us-men are not always in the mood. Try to enjoy sensuality as well. Massages, holding each other, slow kisses, dry humping, bubble baths, erotica...all of these things can help bring you closer when either of you is not in the mood. When life starts stressing you out more and you go through a few trials, such as a crappy job, mounting bills, financial issues and relationship trials you will most likely find that your desire will wax and wane as well. He sounds wonderful and you sound very happy. You are lucky. Best of wishes
Lenay Lenay 6 years
My guy was only 40, not 50; but it went from him telling me that I was the "love of his life" to him telling me that he just couldn't keep up with my sex drive. (We only did it once or twice a week and I wanted more.) This is probably a deal breaker.
JessieSP JessieSP 7 years
In most cases, once you get older you want less sex, it's no big deal. Just talk to him about it and plan a way to add more romance to your relationship. If you truly love him then you will work with him.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 7 years
...unless he's rich. just kidding
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 7 years
It's a fling. Plus, your libido's only going to go up from here on out (being that you're a woman), and his is all downhill from 18 yrs old (being that he's a man). It doesn't get BETTER. It's nature doing it's thing. Stop trying to make him something he's not,and stop selling yourself short. If you like/love him right now, fine. That doesn't mean it has to last forever, though.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Listen to skigurl. You'll be 44 and he'll be as old as your grandfather. Do you think he'll be satisfying you then? Do you think you'll be committed as a wife thinking he teaches you sooooo much? C mon now. How about when a 34 old waiter slips you his number at the dinner table and your husband has a cane and taking viagra later on?
AlyCarolina AlyCarolina 7 years
Ok, I dont think the age dif is a problem really if there is love Fu... it. NOW!!! I do not think you should bring the subject up yet (this is just my opinion) Try some things out surprised him with a nurse outfit, diff lingerie, chocolate, whip cream, French made ask him was are his fantasy's there are sooo many things that you can do that sends him the message that you want some!! lol ... if that does not work then it's time to sit down and talk and be very careful guys take very serious what you think of them when it comes to sex. Best wishes on fixing this issue
MudFlap MudFlap 7 years
Dang! Lucky Guy. For his birthday, buy him a case of Red Bull and a Costco pack of Trojans. Throw in some Gatorade and a roll of Wax Paper and you'll have yourselves a weekend. mf
trinitycc trinitycc 7 years
I don't know if this would help, but have you tried to use a vibrator? You get started with it while he watches and fondles you and when he's ready he joins in. It might help ...
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Hi everybody! I feel that any significant difference -- age, religion, politics -- can be overcome. But there are risks that each issue automatically carries. Each person must sit down and discuss all relevant issues concerning such issues. Also, each person must be able to razz each other good-naturedly on these topics. Can he makes jokes that he has children older than she? Can she make jokes that her boyfriend is 'that wrinkled, grey-haired, old guy over there'? Can both of them laugh at jokes like this? If not, the relationship is in trouble.
joriss joriss 7 years
I do have a same situation. And its not easy. I'm 21 hes 33, but with us its him who has more sex drive. And every time we had sex, i put double effort just to match his level of energy. Hes happy I'm happy. I didn't find it difficult to do that coz I'm young. It really depends on your partner too. I don't know, maybe were also sexually compatible. Do what you have in mind, others will follow.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
It seems to me that you are not sexually compatible regardless of the age thing. I am not sure the age difference is causing the other problem here. You do however need to ask yourself if this is going to cause a problem for you longer term without tour needs being met. Certainly my own sexual needs have got stronger not less as I get older and I would not want to be in this situation.
girlgreen girlgreen 7 years
you have to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker for you. because chances are slim that it will improve, but chances are high that it will get worse with time. as you both get older, your sexual compatability will likely decline even more, but at this point i don't think it has tons to do with age. many 50 year olds are still getting it in. LOL and i don't think you sound harsh or immature at all. you should be able to talk to him about it, though. you could say just what you've said here: you find him so hot and sexy that you want to do it with him more! and see how he responds.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
yeah it's nobody's business but why do you bring it up on the website? You need advice right? Therefore, I think, it is the age difference. It can be different things though, he may be tired, stressed, not in the best physical shape as he use to be and YOU, you are still young and hot and want to get it on as much as you can. You have to be honest with him, tell him how you want to have more sex with him. He was your age once so he should understand. And you should also understand if he can't because of the age difference. If you love him, like you say you do, then you will have to except that his mojo isn't as good as it use to be. And be honest with yourself, later on in the future when you are still horny and he is older, he may not be, don't hurt him by cheating on him with someone who can hang with you. Be honest with yourself and with him if you want more in bed.
Pistil Pistil 7 years
It shouldn't be a difficult subject to bring up (maybe ask if he's satisfied, and that will open the door to your own suggestions), but be prepared to compromise. Sometimes you have sex even though you're a little tired or not totally in the mood. Sometimes you suck it up and take care of yourself, or find someone who is more sexually compatible, because if this is a problem now it will be a bigger problem later.
Jmartens Jmartens 7 years
I think it is interesting that you spent so much time describing your age difference, how many months until your b-day, that he looks younger than he is, etc. Tells me that the age difference is an issue and you are not equipped to handle it.
silicapathways silicapathways 7 years
Just bring it up with him then. Sure there are exceptions to the rule but honestly what did you expect?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
Well, isn't it a little natural that you guys may not have the most compatible sexual urge due to the age difference? Every guy is different though. Some get more sexual urge as they get older..then again, the physicality of it may dampen the urge as well (hence--viagra). Have you asked for more sex with him before? I mean, seduce and tease--sexually--getting him turned on and to have sex even more. Tell him how you like to f-his brain out as often as you can because he's just so 'awesome/good.' ;) Um, as for suggesting..viagra..I thought viagra is supposed to help when someone incapable to get it to help with more sexual urge as well?
bryseana bryseana 7 years
I'm not sure his age is the problem. Lots of men that age have a healthy sex drive. Maybe he's stressed? The best thing to do is communicate with him about how you feel. The worst thing in a relationship is being afraid to speak your mind. You can let him know without hurting his feelings. Just think about how you would want to be approached in this type of situation. Put yourself in his place. Please don't let people discourage you. If you're in love, then that's all that matters. Besides, you're over 18. So, it's really no one's business to tell you how to live your life.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Sexual incompatibility. Truthfully, I think this can happen with people close in age, not just with people with a considerable age gap. Assuming your boyfriend has no medical issues, just bring up this subject gently with him. Tell him you find him sexy, and you want to have sex with him. When you're in the mood, simply say,"Let's have sex." Say it gently. Say it coyly. If your boyfriend finds you as attractive as you say, he would have no problems with that, I would think.
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