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How Do I Un-Ask a Bridesmaid?

Group Therapy: How Do I Un-Ask a Bridesmaid?

This question is an excerpt from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a "friend," who I know due to her being engaged to one of my oldest, dearest friends. She drives me crazy — makes me anxious, and stresses me out. She is extremely self-centered, and expects a lot out of our "friendship," yet does not reciprocate the efforts that I put in.

A few years ago she asked me to be in her wedding party (before she was engaged . . . two years later she finally paid for half of her own ring and is now engaged), and I said sure, because . . . well how do you say no, right? Well, I got engaged at the beginning of 2010, and my fiance and I planned right from the start to not have our wedding until June 2012. A week after we became engaged she asked if she was in my bridal party. I said, " . . . . yessss." ACK! I know. I just couldn't say no.


Now I don't know how to fix this. This girl drives me insane, I don't want her to be part of our special day. I want it to be about us, and our very closest friends. How do I tell her I don't want her as a bridesmaid? Can I even do that? It's a toss-up — suck it up because I said yes, and forever regret it, or potentially cause a huge falling out and drama in our circle of friends?

I realize how juvenile this sounds, I really do. And I know if I had any backbone I would have just said no in the first place, but I suffer from anxiety and disappointing people can lead to near panic attacks for me.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Flickr User kiddharma

HisGoldenEyes HisGoldenEyes 6 years
I was in this 'friend's' situation. A friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, right after they got engaged. (The wedding was 2.5 years later. Well, everytime we got to gether with them, she would purposely avoid discussing the wedding with me, never mentioned it at all. Finally, 2 years after she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I asked her what the deal was, and she said, "Well... we decided to change our bridal party and you're not in it anymore" to which I responded (truthfully), "Being in your party is not what's important to me, it's supporting you and your husband to be (who is one of my oldest friends) on your special day. Standing beside you in your photos doesn't mean I'm not supportive or a friend".... My honest advice would be to sit down and speak with this girl. It hurt SO much to be purposely left out of everything and avoided to no end regarding this subject, that by the time she finally came clean, I already knew what was going on. To be honest, we considered declining invitation to this wedding, as we felt that they weren't really being good friends about it. Talk to her - tell her the truth! That you just don't consider yourselves close enough, or (if you must lie) that you can't swing that many bridesmaids, financially. Just don't say nothing and expect her to "get the hint". It's rude and cruel. A TRUE friend is always honest with their friends, regardless of the situation. I do wish you the best of luck, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
missy1632 missy1632 6 years
Some good ideas on how to renege your 'yes' above :) I would also like to add: I think I have been the 'unwanted' bridesmaid in this type of scenario (I obviously don't think I did anything wrong, which goes to show the whole '2 sides to every story' thing)... and I would say DO NOT LET HER BE A BRIDESMAID. You will regret it, and you WILL take it out on her in way or another in the end.... You may not even mean to do it, but if you hold any resentment (and you will... imagine looking at your wedding pictures for years to come and having her in them and knowing deep down that you never wanted her there in the first place!), you will end up blowing up over something minute and leave your unwanted bridesmaid thinking WTF.
cotedazur cotedazur 6 years
I agree with the above suggestions -- either say that you want to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen and your fiancé wants to limit it, or have her be in the "house party" and just pass out programs at the beginning of the ceremony. Good luck!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
Like FishNChuck said, would it be possible to tell her that you are tightening the wedding budget and you need to axe her for financial reasons? Or like kurnia said, have her do another job besides bridesmaid? If those options aren't possible, I'd just suck it up. I doubt she'll ruin the whole wedding. If she can ruin the whole wedding as a bridesmaid, she can ruin the whole wedding as a guest too.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
I don't think you should take back what you said. I think you should just get over this and go with it. It's a wedding. I'm sure there will be so many people that it won't make a difference whether or not she's there. Just focus on the happy things there. By the way, I don't think it sounds like you deserve that she "reciprocates the efforts that I put in". You don't sound like you are making any efforts at all. You say some really nasty things about her. And if you dislike someone so much that you don't even want him or her at your wedding, why on earth are you referring to them as a friend? I think you should maybe try to tell her about the things that bother you about her, and if she doesn't change, maybe slowly stop all contact with her. It's dishonest to keep her around as a friend, and it's not making either one of you happy. But yes, about the wedding... for the sake of civility, just let her do it. I'm sure she won't set the cake on fire or anything outrageous like that.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
This is your wedding. Grow a backbone. If you're not going to put your foot down about this, your big day, and ignore this other person's feelings to concentrate on yours and your hubby-to-be's, then WTF? My opinion is to drop the axe on this right now. As in, immediately. You can make up some story about her being the 6th/7th bridesmaid, and the finances are not working out in this down economy, so you've had to chop the wedding party to 2 bridesmaids or something. Or ask your fiancee if you can blame it on him somehow. He may not care. Honestly, what is the downside here? You already don't like this woman. You already don't want her near your wedding. So she'll be ticked off and get all mean on Facebook. Big deal. My wife turned annoying people down who asked if they were in our wedding party, hell, she had been in theirs years ago (2 other women) and they didn't even get an invite to our show, period. Nothing of consequence happened as a result.
imLissy imLissy 6 years
find the ugliest, most unflattering dress imaginable and tell her that's going to be the bridesmaid dress. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll back out.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Just because she's in the bridal party, she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid. You can assign her to be..the guest book...person or something akin to that, something that doesn't require her to be too involved in the wedding. Unless you've confirmed to her already that she's a bridesmaid... if that's the case, it's either you go along with it or you have to have the talk that she can't be bridesmaid because your mom owes a 'favor' to this long lost relative and that girl HAS to be in the bridal party so you're so sorry about replacing her like that. Or I know...elope (invite only a handful of people with you).
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