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How Do You Know Who You Should Be With?

"How Do You Know Who Is Mr. Right?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've heard it all before about being smart and wise to choose well when it comes to settling for the "right guy." But who is the right man?? OK, I guess it is someone you trust and can talk to about just anything, someone you can be yourself with. I understand those are the right parameters, but what happens when you find all that but no chemistry? How much is chemistry important? It's a little disappointing when you meet someone who seems like a "good catch" and has all the values you look for, but there is just that little something missing to fit the picture of someone you want to settle with. If you turn away and leave, chances are you might wait and wait till a good and nice guy appears again.

Bottom line is, it's damn hard to find charm, wit, chemistry, values, and common interests all in one place. It's disappointing. Somehow, you picture marrying someone you will laugh with, someone you will have awesome chemistry with (and he doesn't have to be super good-looking, BTW — just fit for you) and someone honest and decent toward you. Then you always find that it's impossible to find all that, and it's only reasonable to want it. You find out that they are either fun but unable to commit, or they are serious, responsible but boring, and you are left feeling empty and unfulfilled. 


I would like to see what other ladies out there have to say about the issue — preferably mature ladies or those who are married (happily and unhappily): is there anything they regret abut their choices and why . . . Is it true that when the time comes to commit to the right guy, you just know, or is more like a carefully chosen, wise choice? How wise is it to wait and pass opportunities just because that little something is missing (such as good chemistry)?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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meb563 meb563 5 years
I agree with others - chemistry is damn important. It's not the only thing, but at the end of the day it's the thing that is separating your partner from your closest girl or guy friend. There is no reason to think you can't find someone with whom you share values, trust AND chemistry. It's unreasonable, however, to think that someone is going to be 100% perfect for you 100% of the time. Dan Savage has a great take on your non negotiables, and learning to let the other stuff go.
Mtirado Mtirado 5 years
I think this is a great question, and find myself asking it a lot.  I'm a 30 y/o and single. I meet a lot of great, nice, safe guys that look great on paper and that I know I should "go for".  However there's always  something missing, chemistry.  Some friends say I'm too picky and should lower my standards. But am I wrong for wanting that flutter in my stomach and needing some passion?  I would think that would make the relationship stronger and last longer, right?  Some people say that passion can come later, but I'm still looking for that instant connection, that instant that makes my heart skip a beat.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Do not settle if you don't have chemistry. Unless you and your partner are completely uninterested in sex. That just blows up in your face because eventually someone WILL come along that you feel it all with, and you are no longer available.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
Ohh yeah with today's perfumes and everybody shaving their pubes, pheromones are not that dominate to the senses as they use to be. for doubters look it up
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
lets talk about chemistry. You can mix acid and lime and get an immediate amazing reaction, heat, fireworks, a real nice show that very quickly becomes neutral and nothing, and the two chemicals are easily separated. Or you can mix lime and water, you get a muddy blah mess that over time becomes a rock hard, non-penetrable bond that last forever. Both are chemistry, what do you want? I think people always want fireworks,because they think that's chemistry, but fireworks don't last long. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I find that to be very true. Lots of women guys find to be attractive I think are dogs and i don't see what they see in them. Be your self. I can say the same about women it's hard to find the right one for me. i know it's tough but stay open and don't give up.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
In my case, it was a little of both. Was very attracted/had great chemistry with him from the moment I met him, then spent a few months getting to know each other and finding so many commonalities in values, opinions, perspectives, tastes. We went on a cross-country road trip to meet his family after a few months and we managed to get through the whole thing without any fighting or tension, and that pretty much solidified it for me. 18 hours in the car each way, a very angry/vindictive younger sister of his, his rather critical mother, and having to hide my smoking & toking from everyone but him and his best friend. He approached it with a much more logical mindset, asking himself question after question about his goals, what he wanted out of a spouse, what he wanted out of a marriage, what he wanted out of himself. After months and months of asking those questions, he simply couldn't find any answer that didn't point towards: dude, you should marry this girl. Shortly after we got back from the road trip, he found my ring while we were shopping for a bottle of wine to give his uncle as a birthday present and proposed saying "this is not just a piece of my heart, but a part of my soul". I was a melted puddle of oxytocin and joy. We lived together for about a year and were much more certain about life long commitment by then, as well as tired of hearing our families complain that we were "living in sin". We still had some doubts, we couldn't forsee exactly what the future would hold, but we knew that we'd rather face the unknown together than without the other person. It's been 10 years and I'd still rather face the worst life can throw at me with him, specifically, by my side (and me for him). Regarding how you describe it "when it comes to settling for the 'right guy'". It should NEVER be a matter of "settling" for someone. Even in my situation (polyamorous/polyfidelous), I did not settle for my husband. Yes, I still seek relationships with women secondary to my relationship with my husband, but that does not mean that he is anything less than what I want out of a life-partner (other than lacking a vagina, which he can't really change, he's definitely not trans*). So, especially if you're a monogamous person not "settling" for a spouse is extremely important. You are worth getting what you need out of a relationship - don't let anyone tell you that you can't be "picky" and wait for the right person that you click with.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
By the way, I'm not married, or romaticlly partnered at this time....but I'm also not out of the game :)
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Chemistry isn't such a little thing for me. At all. For me, it's a huge, gaping hole if it's missing. Sex is important. Those pheremones are important. They certainly aren't the only important thing, but they are a critical thing, at least for me. Of course I also require a large intellect, a large capacity for compassion and kindness, and if he doesn't have a great sense of humor, then it won't last. I like funny. Funny is sexy, because funny also requires smart. Our natural instincts, as females, judge a man's compatibility and partnering quotient, on the primitive level, by how well he can strong and capable he is....even now, in the modern age, we transfer that hunter instinct to job skill, social skill.....basiclly how competent is he. And then we add the pheremones. Historiclly, of course, in western society, and still now in many cultures, love, and the pheremone connection, isn't considered. There are still some cultures where the arranged marriage happens without the two partners even meeting, to see if there is any possible connection. The whole idea of chemistry, is a western ideal, a western shift in the social evolution of partnering. For me, if a guy is match material, I know by how much I miss having him in my life when we're apart, a pretty old style yardstick. I'm picky, and getting pickier as I age, but I also really enjoy a lot of different kinds of people. I find a lot of physicalities beautiful. For me the chemistry happens when a smart, kind guy with a great sense of humor is attracted to me because I'm a smart, kind gal, and we find we have something in common, and the fact that we like the way each other looks is definately part of that equation. I'm very visual, and so are most guys. For me, that lack of chemistry is about other lacks as well, so I wouldn't go there. I think that the tone of your post is so sad, your disappointment is ruling your day here. And I think so long as that's the case, it's better for you to keep on looking for a match that has you bubbling and fizzing each time you think about spending time together....that whole exciting first phase of mating. Every good relationship steadies down into the comfort zone eventually, but that initial fizz....still a good yardstick in my book.
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