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How Much Space is Enough?

Dear Sugar--

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. We had been having a great relationship with the usual few bumps along the road, but things were progressing at a pretty serious rate. He asked me to move with him, and as much as I wanted to and felt ready, I declined at this point because he has a daughter that comes to visit and I explained that I wanted to make sure that she was comfortable with me before we moved in together, a pretty responsible reaction in my mind.

Within three days, he started to become a bit distant and then after a small fight, he asked for some time to sort through things. He said that he has a lot to think about and therefore wanted to have no contact with me. Since then, we have exchanged maybe three text messages over the last twelve days as I am trying to honor his request and give him the space that he needs. I realize that this is a good time for me to regroup as well but I am finding that although it is getting easier to get up in the morning (no stabbing pains in my heart) my feelings for him are remaining the same. I love him. So ultimately my question is this -- when should I give up hope? I am not waiting around for him to call me off the hook, but I am certainly wishing he would. --Hopeful Helen

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Hopeful Helen--

As hard as it must have been to say no to moving in with your boyfriend, I think listening to your gut instinct and looking out for the well being of his daughter was a very selfless act -- you should feel proud of yourself for putting her needs before yours. With that said, it sounds as though your boyfriend's ego is a little bruised by rejecting his offer. Have you expressed to him, clearly, your rationale behind your decision? Did you reassure him it had nothing to do with the way you feel about him or the way you want your relationship to progress? Waiting around for him to walk through your door isn't going to make your wish come true so it's time to be proactive.

My mother once told me, "If you want him, go get him! Tell him everything you're telling me right now or else you will regret it for the rest of your life." While you want to respect the space he needs, make sure that he knows exactly how you feel so he has all the information before he makes any decisions. Tell him that you want to get to know his daughter more before you move in together and make sure he knows your love for him has not changed just because you aren't sharing the same roof.

Once you get everything off your chest, the only think you can do is wait. I know how tedious that can be, but at least you will have peace of mind that you said everything you wanted to say. Good luck to you!


Join The Conversation
Marci Marci 9 years
Wow, that is a really strange response from him. I agree with Dear that you need to just talk to him from your heart. Go after what you want. Good Luck!
sw2190 sw2190 9 years
I wasnt in quite the same situation as you but mybf and i have been together for ayr now aswell, and he went through a phase one minute he was totally fine with me then he sort of dissappeared for a while after alot of tears and wondering why i gave him a taste of his own medicine and gave him one last chance and in my mind if he didnt come back by choice then i would leave him, 6 months later we are better tahn ever and god knows what changed but he came crawling back and has been great ever since, so unlike the first comment on thius page who said he has gone off you, I dont agree guys donty ask girls to move in with them unlesds they are serious so giuve him some time and let your feeling out and make them loud and clear! I agree with team sugar~so listen to her and I wish you the best of luck!*
kayden kayden 10 years
Go out live your life. You just may meet someone better than this guy. Find something to occupy your time or a new hobby. You did the right thing. He's not the only man on the planet. He should call you, he's the one who's asked for space.. After, 7-9 days of space, move on!!! Make yourself happy, that's your responsibility not his.. If he does return it will be great because, he's returned on his own. Not, because you went after him, and down the line you don't want to hear him say "You came after me!" If he calls you that mean he's really into you. No call no interest. My men friends tell me all the time guys like to chase women. Men get turned off by emotional women who chase them.. Step back a little.. "Dating Without Drama" it's a good e-book check it out. It will change how you view relationships and yourself!!
nessabum nessabum 10 years
i commend you for thinking and acting responsibly dear. i think 12 days is quite a lot. good luck. you should definitely arrange to meet with him, express your feelings and concerns and hear what he has to say and go from there.
hills hills 10 years
i think all u can do is try to have it out with him, its been nearly two weeks and mayb hes had enough time to figure out his thoughts, do u have any thoughts as to why he was so full on and wanted to move in with u, but now u said no hes being cold, mayb he feels it was just an excuse on ur part, make the effort to go round and see him, show him how much u love him but without being to ful on. good luck to u.
Danni99 Danni99 10 years
I like the advice Dear Sugar gave. I think it's important to make sure that there's no confusion or misunderstandings in situations like this. That being said, a man who is so easily bruised and dissuaded is asking for a lot of assurances from you, and being pressured like that isn't a sign of solid love. I think once you explain your reasonings, if he is still pushing you to move faster than what you feel is best for yourself, and the girl who would/could be your stepdaughter, then he is not the right man for a strong woman like yourself. Best of luck!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
You know what, I wouldn't even pursue him for a talk right now. He sounds horribly immature by the sound of it...he should be thinking about his daughter first as well. Did he even reassure you that his daughter is comfortable with you, or did he just blow that off? I would move on if I were you.
jaxon jaxon 10 years
I agree with Dear! It's only been 15 days though try not to get down
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I agree with Dear Sugar, it was rather selfless for you to think about the daughter. However, it appears maybe he mistook it and misundertood you and believes that maybe you are weary about the daughter situation? I will let him know, but if does not want to talk after you explain, give up, he is immature!
andaman andaman 10 years
Don't wait for him to call after 7 days from now. Call him and ask what's going on (arrange a meal). If he is still angry then move on.
andaman andaman 10 years
I'm sorry honey I didn't see the daughter bit, I think you did the right thing and if he wants out because you did that then sorry he is quite immature. I would certainly go out for a meal with him and talk to him properly about the arrangement. If he insists this is how you have to prove your love and devotion to the relationship then walk away.
andaman andaman 10 years
Either he's seeing someone or he's falling out of love with you. I'm sorry to be so frank like this but I think it's better that you are prepared for him not to call at all. Move on girlfriend. I will be very surprised if he wants to continue seeing you.
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