How to Actually Enjoy Oral Sex, According to the Experts

When it comes to receiving and enjoying oral sex, many people may get caught up in the pressure to perform or orgasm. This pressure can lead to a lot of not-so-great habits during sex, like avoiding giving your partner direction during sex or even faking an orgasm. In fact, one study found that roughly 60 percent of 366 women ages 18-32 have faked an orgasm during sex. One of the main reasons? Fear of intimacy.

"Receiving oral sex is an extremely intimate act," says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. For some, receiving oral sex may be much more nerve-wracking than penetrative sex. This is because "[penetrative] sex is an experience where both partners are working together and receiving pleasure, whereas during oral sex, the spotlight is on you and that can be intimidating. There may be pressure to act, look, and even sound a certain way, but receiving oral sex doesn't need to emulate a scene from a Hollywood film or follow a script."

And pressure, says Narkiewicz, is the antithesis of pleasure. Oral sex should be about enjoyment, cooperation, and the particular desires of the partners involved, not about putting on a show. So, let's break down exactly what steps to take in order to relax, let go of expectations, and actually enjoy oral sex.

Oral sex involves the combined sensations of the mouth, lips, and tongue on the vulva and clitoris, says Narkiewicz. The clit, in particular, is an important area to focus on during oral sex because it's an extremely erogenous part of the body packed with super-sensitive nerve endings.

"The clitoris has approximately 8,000 sensory nerve endings and affects over 50,000 nerves all over the body when stimulated," says Narkiewicz. "With so many nerve endings, the clitoris is the only part of the body that is designed solely for pleasure and has no other purpose." And actually, Narkiewicz says approximately 70 percent of people with vulvas need some form of clit stimulation in order to orgasm. (For a refresher on the anatomy of the clit, check out POPSUGAR's guide here).

Understanding how your body works and what areas of your body are pleasurable is the first step to a more comfortable oral-sex experience.

Learning about your body and what gives it pleasure is key. After all, knowing what you like ahead of time can absolutely help when it's time for a partner to pleasure you. Take some time to masturbate and understand what you like and what you don't. If you're using your fingers, pay attention to what areas of the vulva you like to be touched. If you're using a sex toy, pay attention to the speed and amount of pressure you like on those areas. This way, you can direct your partner based on how you touch yourself, and it's less intimidating than going into receiving cunnilingus blindly.

But knowing how you want to be touched and receiving stimulation on the clitoris and vulva is only the beginning. Psychological and emotional stimuli provide the context needed to actually relax into the physical arousal, meaning most people need to feel safe, comfortable, and turned on to actually tap into their orgasm. With that in mind...

Feeling intimidated by oral sex doesn't mean you can't learn to enjoy it — but you also don't have to dive in head first, either. Consider taking baby steps and acclimating to this form of intimacy by first talking to your partner in a non-sexual setting about your worries, insecurities, or relationship to oral sex. Maybe, for example, you feel concerned your partner is bored during oral or you take too long to get aroused. Express your worries and ask your partner to offer reassurance.

Then, tell your partner you want to enjoy oral sex and work together to figure out a plan to maximize pleasure and minimize anxiety. A great step is to receive oral for short periods of time, even only a few minutes, before moving on to other types of sex. This way, you can both get comfortable without feeling the pressure to orgasm. You can also have designated days for each partner to receive oral sex, so the focus of oral sex switches.

Once you're ready to receive oral, breathing is your first line of defense when nervousness and tenseness come up either during or before oral sex, says Narkiewicz.

"Breathing techniques can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms both body and mind and allows you to access pleasure on multiple levels. Try deep breathing exercises with extra emphasis on the exhale to release tension in the body. Deep breathing techniques are also a great mindfulness practice to help get out of your head and connect body and mind," she says.

And if it helps, close your eyes during the act. This could help you focus on your breath as you experience pleasure.

Raise your hand if you struggle with the pressure to moan or look a certain way the entire time you're receiving. Because if this is something totally relatable to you, it's likely you're turning something that should be about your pleasure into a performance for your partner. Instead, focus on offering constructive, authentic feedback when you need something to change instead of just accepting it for what it is. Phrases like "Can you move up a little?" or "That's great, but can you add more pressure?" are still kind, but maintain the focus on you.

If you tend to over-perform at the detriment of pleasure, Narkiewicz encourages you to trust your partner. "If your partner has volunteered to give you oral sex, they are invested in your pleasure. Your partner wants to give you the best experience, so allow them to do that by relaxing," she says. No need to fake any moans, or sensations, or look perfectly sexy.

Changing oral-sex positions can help not only improve your physical comfort, but also your mental state. If you want to continue receiving oral, but feel a little stuck or bored, initiating a position change can help you mentally shift your headspace and invite in more fun.

Lying on your back with your legs resting on your partner's shoulders or bending with your feet firmly on the bed both work great. You may also consider sitting on the edge of a bed (or table) with your legs open and your partner kneeling on the floor. You can also try out the Kivin Method, which involves laying sideways to free up your neck for more comfort and flexibility. For more ideas check out POPSUGAR's guide to (actually comfortable) oral sex positions.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly: forget about orgasming during oral sex. Weirdly enough, feeling pressure to orgasm during oral sex can make it that much harder to orgasm.

It's hard, but releasing the pressure to orgasm all together or within a certain amount of time can help make your orgasm actually possible. Of course, this is easier said than done, so Narkiewicz recommends tapping into the sensations of your partner's mouth and tongue and staying in touch with your body instead.

"Finding other ways to connect with your partner can also stave off pressure and nervousness, whether holding their hand, pulling their hair, sexy talk during the act, or making eye contact," says Narkiewicz. "If you're still nervous, communicate those nerves to your partner. Just expressing your reservations can be a cathartic experience that offloads some of that pressure, and once your partner knows your specific concerns, they may be able to provide the reassurance you need to help you relax."

Once you remove the goalpost altogether, it's easier to feel relaxed, confident, and in the moment — which means cumming will be so much easier when it does happen.