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How to Save a Relationship

"How Do I Save This Relationship?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we've been doing long distance for about five months. On Saturday, I'm moving back to where he lives. It hasn't been easy over the last few months and I've been unhappy, which makes him unhappy. I called to tell him my plans and he texted me back to say that we need to talk. When he called, I told him I was moving on Saturday and had my interview all lined up, and he said that he met someone. I lost it. He said that nothing happened, that he just had a conversation with her at the bar. I saw that he'd added her on Facebook, but I've never been the jealous type until this. We've been broken up for five days now without any contact, but I'm still moving back. I made my relationship status invisible on Facebook and it took him two days to do the same. When I saw that, it hurt a lot, so I deactivated my Facebook account. I couldn't sleep, though, so of course I checked it late at night and realized he'd done the same, so I deactivated again.

It seems like he's paying attention to what I'm doing and not too concerned about showing off that he's single. We've been best friends for a long time and we lived together, but we're relatively young — I'm 24, he's 26 — and I've taken a little longer than most to get my life figured out. Leaving for school made me realize that I want a life with him and a career, so now that I've figured it all out, he goes and does this. I'm going to see him and talk to him when I get there, per his request. I'm really hurt, but I'm also sure that he's my soul mate and he's said that lately "he's been confused." I want things to work out, but I think he's feeling pressure from society to get married and it's freaking him out. I want to give him time to figure it out, and he's also said that he thinks we'll be together in the end, that he loves me, and that he wants to help me however he can. Yes, I know, he's letting me down easy, but after five years, I think it's a little more than that. He wanted to marry me four months ago, so I'm pretty sure there's something worth saving here. How do I approach this conversation?

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
I agree with Henna. Men will walk naked, over glass, over a high mountain pass when they are really into a woman. No one doubts it when they're 'in'. This guy is not that into you. You are deep in denial, his behavior is very much about attempting to ease out instead of rip off the bandage. Please let go. If you're still interested in him, you can tell him if he changes his mind and is not seeing anyone else to get a hold of you but otherwise you need him to stay away so you can move on. Drawing a firm line, telling him what he needs to do to get you back *and* staying away to show him you mean business ironically is your best hope now. Guys respond to challenges and they need clear direction. That's why it seems they love the bitches imho. Take a few lessons from Kate Middleton with Prince William, they broke up once and she showed him she would be fine without him. It drove him crazy and drove him back to her. If he doesn't come back, then you know and can move on.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Long distance is a bitch! And you said it's been difficult lately. I want to say to you that the reason it's been difficult over the last few months is that he's been seeing this other woman for the last few months. This isn't some new, casual, just talked at the bar gig. He met someone, and he's having trouble admitting to you it's been going on for longer than he's said. How do you approach this conversation....ask him for the truth. Ask him to man up, to be respectful and responsible, and understand that not everyone can do long distance, and than not all of our hopes and plans for "happily ever after" work out...particularly when one is focused on their education and career, at a distance. Maintaining a long distance relationship takes a lot of extra attention, communication, and dedication....all things that can be in short supply when you're in school, and working to set up the beginning of a career. It's not silly at all, that you went away.....that's hind sight. And it's really easy for you to decide, NOW, that what you want is a career and him, now that you've accomplished your educational goals. You've obviously had a life plan, and now that he's no longer on board, you're feeling regret! Now that it's convenient for you to persue your relationship, he's headed in another direction. Part of me wonders of your guy found someone else as a means of breaking it off with you, because he knew you were coming home, and would want to change the relationship. I'd guess that he's had a different agenda for quite a while, and didn't communicate that to you. I'd also be willing to bet that you are a strong, purposeful, goal oriented person, and that he knows that....and has taken a back door way out of this relationship and it's destination. I want to wish you best of luck with your conversation. I suspect that there are going to be some very uncomfortable admissions coming your way. I'm sorry to not have something to say that would be more prepared, and insist on the truth. If this is done, he needs to say so straight beating around the other girl....that's not fair to anyone. take good care, blessed be
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