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How to Tell Boyfriend to Stop Talking to Ex

Group Therapy: I Want to Tell Him Not to Talk to His Ex

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met my boyfriend studying abroad, and we fell in love and decided to keep things going between us (we were together for 4 months). During that time our relationship moved quite quickly, as we were both really in love and comfortable with each other. We're now together for a year, and he is currently serving in the military, and I am still at university.

OK, now for the ex; they were together for 7 years, and he was honest with me and told me that he had made her life hell, and he went to prison on drug charges and she left him. When I met him, they had been a part for almost 3 years. But when I asked about his past relationship, you could see the hurt he felt (he's clean and completely different to how he describes his old self). I knew he didn't have closure and could sense it, but he reassured me that he will never get back with her and that he loves me and wants to marry me, etc.


I'm not jealous nor am I intimidated by her, but I am of the opinion that exes are history. It annoys me when she sends him messages telling him she wishes he were there and sends him songs they once liked, etc. But at the same time she says she's happy for him. He asked if it bothers me that she writes to him, and I said that I don't like it but that I will leave it to him to make a decision. How should I handle this situation?

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Join The Conversation
karlotta karlotta 6 years
I think what you've done and said up till now is perfect. Telling him you don't like it yet trusting him to leave it up to him is just the right dosage of standing up for yourself yet giving him free rein. I applaud.
culinarycutie culinarycutie 6 years
I went through an ex girlfriend nightmare .. it was years of weirdness and inappropriateness. You really have to be careful, kind and reasonable but most of all aware and decisive. If you see that she is crossing the line you should make sure it stops immediately. It sounds like there is a lot of emotional dependence from the both of them and in a long distance relationship when emotional connection is pretty much all you have sharing that with another person can be very dangerous. Good Luck I really feel for you honey
sabrinaBee sabrinaBee 6 years
I agree with atraditionalist !! messages like that are not innocent at all...she'd better get a life!!
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
This isn't advice but seriously what is up with ex-girlfriends!! I have never contacted an ex boyfriend to say things like "I wish you were here", there is nothing innocent in that at all. Gawd some of these exgf women drive me crazy I mean move on already!
misssydneyj misssydneyj 6 years
Well, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I literally just went through this with my boyfriend. I asked him to keep the conversations short and polite, but to let her know that sending messages like "I wish you were here", or any flirtatious message, is not okay. Women know how to hold onto a man by playing the sweet and innocent role, and you don't want to come off as being paranoid or jealous. Tell him you understand that they were together for a long time, and being cordial friends is okay, but nothing more. I don't think age is a problem here. I think if the tables were turned and his ex had this problem with her bf, she probably wouldn't be too happy. It is just a sign of respect and boundaries need to be set if it is making you uncomfortable. I even wrote a blog post about this lol
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
As someone who dated an addict to much heartbreak and difficulty, I'm surprised that this is your biggest problem. I'm also guessing that there is a 10+ year age gap between the two of you. But let's just assume that none of that is a problem. After dating her for seven years, they probably have a really strong bond. I'm guessing that in many ways she is one of his best friends and someone who supported him through the worst times in his life. To take that away from him would be pretty awful. You should just ask to be included in their friendship, and try to get to know this girl. She's probably someone you would be friends with under different circumstances.
CCLn CCLn 6 years
Question is, how do you know about all she says to him, etc? If he's honest with you then, it seems ok. I think as long as she's not crossing the line and trying to seduce your bf(even then, your bf has to be able to say 'no' it's really not up to you), your bf isn't at fault for being polite and responding as neutrally as he can. If I were you, I'd mention to him once that she seems to still have romantic feeling for him and just ask him to be careful to not mislead her any further. You need to focus on you two together instead of letting the fear of her getting in the way of the two of you. It's possible to push someone away just because you're scared of the so-called 'competition.' consider this, she may just be nostalgic and is actually dating others. If it's meant to be, he won't betray your trust.
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