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How can I Move on?

Dear Sugar--

I have been married for 12 years. Before I met my husband I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. I got mad one night at my boyfriend and cheated on him. I got pregnant. Soon after we broke up. I met my husband 6 months after my son was born. I have not thought of my ex-boyfriend much, just every once in a while. A few months ago, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was in the paper (he is a cop) and someone he tasered died. I was worried about him and contacted him. We talked and emailed for a while, all of which I told my husband.

My husband and I have been having some intimacy problems lately and he asked me to stop contacting my ex, but I just couldn't. I was starting to relive old feelings. About a month ago, my husband read a journal entry that I made about how confused I am and how I started developing feelings for my ex again. He confronted me and we decided to go to counseling. The counselor stated I needed to cut all ties with my ex and concentrate on my marriage, which I have done and things have gotten better between me and my husband, but I still find myself thinking and dreaming about my ex. I feel I want to still talk to him, but I know if I do it will ruin my marriage. I do not know why I am still having these feelings of wanting to communicate with him -- my husband is wonderful and supportive and loving, but I just can't ignore this desire I have for my ex. Please help me! --Can't Let it Go Linda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Can't Let it Go Linda--

Reliving old feelings for an ex-boyfriend can be extremely confusing, so I understand how your head and heart must be feeling right now. With that said, your therapist is right -- if you want to give your marriage a fighting chance, you must cut all ties with your ex.

Did contacting your ex create the intimacy problems you are facing with your husband or was it the issues in the bedroom that initiated the contact in the first place? Since all marriages have a down cycle, it isn't surprising that contacting an old flame made you feel some excitement again, maybe even made you feel attractive and desired, but you have to ask yourself if you are simply stirring the pot to boost your ego, or if you really still do have feelings for this man.

It sounds as though your husband is a wonderful man who loves and supports you, but if you are having feelings for another man that won't seem to go away, you need to be true to yourself and your husband. You have taken all the right steps to rectify this situation (therapy, honesty, and severing ties with your ex) so if you still can't get him out of your head or your dreams, you're going to have to find out if he is the one you are supposed to be with after all. Although your husband is a wonderful man, he might not be the right man for you so follow your gut instinct here and most importantly, your heart. I wish you luck Linda.


Join The Conversation
denali denali 10 years
You made a commitment. Plain and simple. You need to stick with that commitment and not give in when it looks like the grass is greener. You even said yourself that you have a wonderful husband. Some aren't so lucky.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
I think you committed to your husband and you need to give that committment all that you can. Only time will heal the feelings of loss from your ex and if you truly put your heart into it, those feelings will subside eventually. Therapy can help the process. Don't forget - you and your ex broke up for a reason. Be sure to remember the bad things about the relationship, too, don't just focus on the romanticized version that your heart wants to remember. Think with your head, too. And keep your child in mind - this would be devastating to him. Love him enough to try your hardest with your husband. And don't be too hard on yourself. We are all just human.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
probably because it's a nice escape to think about your ex. i don't see the harm in day dreaming. do you think your husband has never thought about another woman? i think that the fact that your husband wanted to go to counseling is wonderful. it shows that he is commited to you and making the relationship work. every marriage has ups and downs, you are in a down swing but it will go the other way in time. the strengtheed bond between you and your husband after you do the hard work of therapy will amaze you. you have a long history and a family with this man and that is worth protecting. the ex is pure fantasy; keep it that way.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
I would definitely see a therapist if, I were you. You'll feel so much better, and be grateful you did..down the road. Also, all the energy you're using thinking about your ex..start using that energy thinking about your husband. You both made a commitment (when you got married 12 years ago) to give each other 110% of yourselves. You owe it to use all your energy on. What if he did this to you, you know? I hope you get everything straightened out. :froggy: Take care.
KrisSugar KrisSugar 10 years
I agree with summer roberts. therapy would be a good thing for you! it's good for anybody really!
summer-roberts summer-roberts 10 years
Sometimes we feel guilty about the things we've done right away and sometimes it takes a while. Perhaps you read about him, felt bad about the situation he was in and transferred those feelings to how you felt about the end of the relationship. You need individual therapy because you may not have been honest with your husband in the room. Your husband has had 12 years with you and your son, please do not throw that away.
cfeccentric cfeccentric 10 years
You married your husband, so you've made a commitment to him and you have to keep it. You have to work on your marriage and make it the best one it can be. You didn't marry your ex, so you have no commitment or duty to him whatsoever. With your ex you're always going to have some sort of past conflict seeing as you cheated on him and he might have a hard time trusting you again. Just stay where you are and make your situation work. That's the very best thing to do.
KrisSugar KrisSugar 10 years
i think you're going to have to make a choice and live with it. you either have to choose to work on your marriage, which means cutting ties with your ex. your other choice is to find out what these feelings for your ex mean. you can pursue one or the other but you can't have both men. it's not fair to them or you. more or less it sounds like a grass is always greener situation. if you have something good with your husband, be grateful for it, patient, and realize that you can't go to another man whenever you have problems with the current one. it takes work. relationships have ups and downs but that doesn't mean they're doomed.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
Why did your husband read your journal? That would have made me angry.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I think you need to get counseling all on your own. You seem to have behavior problems in relationships.
Amity-A Amity-A 10 years
I disagree with the part at the end about finding out if he is the one. I think you need to commit to your husband and work work work at your marriage. Those other feeling will fade as time passes. The grass is always greener-- if you leave your husband you will probably realize he has always been the one for you. Then everybody is hurt.
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