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How to get over a bad breakup

Group Therapy: "Feel Better" Tactics Have All Backfired

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I recently got dumped (one month ago) and after two solid weeks of crying I decided I was done and was going to try and make myself feel better. But then life dealt me another blow when my mom was admitted to the emergency room and she had to stay in hospital for a week (she's okay now, thank goodness) Needless to say, it's been a rough month.

Anyway, one night my friends and I were at a club with our group and when I got home later, one of my guy friends texted me asking if he could kiss me. I ignored his text because I was still raw from getting dumped (he never knew about the other guy, we are not super-close friends) and I still thought that my ex-boyfriend might call me asking me to take him back.

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When I finally realized that my ex-boyfriend was never going to call me back, a week later I decided I needed some TLC and texted my guy friend that I was sorry I ignored his text, that I got shy that night and then I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He texted to say that he "didn't know what he was doing this weekend, but we could" and I texted "Okay, shoot me a text if you would like to hang out"  I never heard back from him and haven't seen him. Ugh. I just wanted a guy to hug me, that's all.

So then I decided to have my hair cut into a short, sassy bob to "start fresh." Unfortunately it turned out terribly because my hair is way too thick to carry off such a style and now I look like a mushroom! It looked good in the salon but it's looks weird now. I've tried everything to make it look better and I am so self-conscious of it. The only thing that will help is to just let it grow again but that will take about four months. It's really dented my self-esteem.

I've tried to stay positive but it gets really hard sometimes. I'm glad my mom's healthy but other than that I feel pretty shaken up. I go out with my friends sometimes, and I go for bike rides and eat well but I feel so blah and alone. My budget is pretty tight so I can't really do the "manicure/pedicure, fly to Cancun, learn to scuba-dive" thing. Are there any "feel better" tips you guys could give me? Maybe something that has worked for you?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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DJ73 DJ73 6 years
Blog: CHRYSALIS31 It's a work in progress but might help you out. The second guy in my humble opinion was irrelevant, you were still getting over the first guy and were just looking for affection. There will be plenty of other guys. He may of been put off that you took so long to get back to his text. Guys doubt themselves too. Your mum is better so make sure she knows you love her and appreciate your time with her more. You won't be over the guy in a month so you need to discuss you feeling and stop loosing faith in yourself....or rather regain faith in yourself. Go back to the hair-stylist and get her to show you how to make it look good. If you're out drinking with your friends, its a fine balance of good times and depression later. Have a BBQ with friends or a dinner and do some writing about how you feel. When you feel really low get outside somewhere busy and remember (even though you won't believe it) that there are other out there. If your favourite hollywood start asked you for coffee would you say "sorry I'm getting over my ex"?? Stupid point...but valid. lastly...don't try to change yourself, just improve yourself if you feel the need. You'll be ok. Fall down 7, stand up 8!
forbiddenfruit forbiddenfruit 7 years
Also, most women do the shopping therapy but its really no help if all you use to spend on them is your credit card, or your mom's. The sooner the monthly bill arrives, the more complicated and depressing things become for you to handle. If you ain't an heiress, spending too much is way over board for a "feel better" strategy. ♥
forbiddenfruit forbiddenfruit 7 years
I used to find refuge in Salons and nail spa. But what good do i get out of trimming off my lifetime long black hair which my mom loved.. I went on to selling things, like the customized swimsuits or even just doing the things you love but have forgotten, all because youve spent all of your time on that guy. The outdoor activities are a big help because it keeps you away from staying at home or places you and that guy used to hang out. What makes it suck is when you know that you are not really into outdoor stuff like wall climbing or traverse, and you struggle more than you expected. You really had no idea what youve gotten yourself into, so the more you become really obvious about struggling trying to get over. Just do things you know youre really capable of, and slowly working out on the complex. Youll never know that by the end of the month, youve learned so many things you never thought youd do in you life. Ive signed up for barrista classes. Did CSS5 designs (coz im into it.) Helped out in my aunt's food business. Sewn and Sold more than 150 sets of bathing suits. Did fun shoots with friends and took the College Course i have always wanted. :) best of luck.
bomerva bomerva 7 years
i always buy a fairly cheap pick-me-up. a new, brightly hued lipstick works wonders, and you can buy a good one for under $10. and think of it as an investment in your beauty, youll use it more than once, so its not a waste!
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
SKG - bad haircuts are the worst! After a sort of shaky time about six months back I decided that I needed bangs. Worst decision ever. The stylist didn't go for it enough and I ended up with this weird tufty thing that looked reminiscent of my mom cutting gum out of my hair in grade school. I rocked the ponytail and pins look for about 4 months.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 7 years
Awww! Maybe you could go back to the salon, ask them how they styled it the first time, and then get some similar products and do it yourself. A good salon will teach you how to do it. You seem so determined. I know it doesn't seem humorous right now, but try to think of this as a potentially funny story to look back on once you get back on your feet-- just to remember that even if everything is going wrong you can still turn it around and you will be fine. :)
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
I'm a broke college kid, so here's some of my wallet friendly feel-good techniques: 1. I'm not sure if you live in a city or not, and I am very, very lucky to live right next to a beautiful mountain range, but hiking/walking is the best. It's good for you, it makes you feel great, and the nature around you kind of just makes your problems widdle away (at least for a little while). You start to kind of feel small against the grandeur of nature, and suddenly your problems don't seem so bad (I know that's super cheesy and cliche, but heck, it's true!) And you even start to feel stronger because you realize how amazing it is to have legs that are powerful enough to take you up a mountain! Even if you live in a city, cityscapes can be beautiful too. Take a walking tour of your city. My cousins live in San Francisco and once my brother and cousin decided to just start walking with no destination in mind. They walked all day and ended up really far away, haha, but it was so awesome that they made it a yearly tradition to just start walking around the city without really knowing a destination (avoiding unsafe areas, of course). Only do this if you're really familiar with your area and it's safe. Or bring a buddy with you. Safety first ;) 2. Are there any scenic or historic landmarks in your area? Do you have a day to take a more localized road trip? When it's warm and sunny and I've got some new stuff on my iTunes, I'll take a little day trip. You don't have to go far to get away. Essentially, the only thing you need money for is gas. Otherwise, pack a lunch and eat it out. This is a great little thing you could do with your mom, too. I'm not stranger to hospital visits, and while I know it shakes up the people around you, it can shake up yourself pretty bad too. I bet your mom would feel very loved and appreciated if you dedicated a day together and did something like this :) 3. Reading in the park. Again, cliche, but it's great. Especially now that spring is perking up. You can drive by the library and get something that will take you out of the present (period pieces are fun for that, just to sort of take you out of your time) and find a spot in the shade (or sun, but don't forget SPF;)) and just read for awhile. It's super relaxing to feel little breezes buzz through leaves. I've been known to doze off... 4. Turn your bathroom into a spa. I have been known to make a hot bath into an art form. Candles, oils, music, the works. Most of this can be found around your house. 5. Is there any single-girl behavior you couldn't really indulge in with your boyfriend? Do that! You know, the weird stuff like eating funky foods while watching your favorite weird TV show totally naked? 6. If your haircut is bothering you a lot, go back to the stylist and let her know that you need it to be modified because it just isn't working with your natural hair texture. If you feel like it looks like a mushroom, maybe it's too thick and so it's squaring off. Perhaps add a few choppy layers? I know this is probably going to be really long when I hit "Post", but I hope some of my ideas help :)
brindey brindey 7 years
I am a strong believer in making 10 resolutions and fulfilling them. Like, "lose 5 pounds," "read a book every month," "upgrade my spanish knowledge" "watch less TV" and "volunteer three hours a week." Make 10 and focus on them- focus on you. You will be so busy being awesome you will forget the chump who dumped you. And you might meet someone new who is awesome, just like you.
chloe-bella chloe-bella 7 years
I want to give you a hug! I also resort to exercising constantly when I'm depressed. When my bf an I "took a break" two years ago, I found a lot of comfort in my twice-weekly Pilates classes. The same people attended every week, so after a while I felt like I was going somewhere and hanging out with people you knew instead of just sitting home alone. It definitely helped with loneliness. And running always improves my mood as well. Do you like to read? I'm a big fan of reading suspense/thriller type novels when I want to take my mind off something. Also, I agree with kissmekate. I have super thick hair as well and had a bob a few years ago. Adding a few subtle layers (nothing too crazy!) will make it look less mushroom-like. If it looked good in the salon, then it's at least capable of looking good - you just need to learn how to style it yourself.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
I have noticed that bad things always happen at once. I'm sorry that you been having to go through all those bad things. I also have think hair, and when I cut it I ask the stylist to cut it in layers, maybe that will work for you. As for your breakup, this is a good opportunity for you to build a relationship with yourself. Do things that you couldn't do while you were in that relationship or do things that you always wanted to do, but haven't had a chance to. Exercise also helps me when I'm stress.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I would definitely go back to the stylist and ask her to change it subtly so that it works for you or show you how the best way is to style it. And I definitely agree on the exercise. Not only does the simple act of exercising make me feel better, but thinking of running into him when you're all super-toned should help too ;)
kismekate kismekate 7 years
I agree with spacekat. Exercise will increase your fermones and bring up your energy level. Becoming a member of a gym also throws you right in the middle of a meat market! It will for sure increase your confidence once you start getting into a routine. If anything, look at this break up as a way to start anew and get yourself looking fabulous for the next guy that comes around. As for your hair, go back to the stylist! Tell them that you don't like how it turned out. She can probably add some extra layers and make it look less bulky.
starbucks2 starbucks2 7 years
I'm sorry about what you're going through! Glad you're mom's doing better! I was always bad at dealing with break-ups. I would actuallu usually go for a reboind-guy. It worked for me. It was just nive having someone hold me while I was secretely crying over my ex. That's nothing to be proud of and doesn't sound as cool as yoga, but I say put a headbamd on and get out and date!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
I know about the hair thing... I have fine hair, but I have a friend with thick hair and she bobs hers. I know one thing you could do is just ask the stylist to layer and thin it out a little. Tell her you hate it and please HELP! She probably wouldn't charge you a dime and then you could grow it out. Anyway movies are a good idea. But pick out your favorites including action adventure. Exercise and bike too. Plan a great vacation for next year. Even if you can't now, plan it anyway. Listen to music. Read the paper for fun things going on in your area. Maybe some of that volunteer stuff could be fun. Make plans with friends. Read a new book. I dunno. Maybe there's a time when you will have to do some character building as they say.
jocupcake jocupcake 7 years
I swear that watching sappy romance movies is great post-breakup therapy. I personally feel much more optimistic about life and love after watching these movies. Of course, this is only true of films with HAPPY endings - I'm talking Ever After, Love Actually, Garden State, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, etc... And also, I'm not recommending locking yourself up with movies 24/7. Obviously this is just something that might be a helpful addition to everything you're already doing. I agree with the volunteering idea as well. It really makes you feel better and is also a great way to meet new people. I've also met quite a few people via races (10k, etc) and a running club that I joined. Maybe you could do something similar? You mentioned that you like biking and I know that there are a ton of biking groups in my area.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
I am so sorry you are sad :( I agree with what others have said, and I would honestly add, consider taking up yoga. I was intimidated to start, but once I did, it was so positive in many different ways. Even though I sucked at it at first, it gave me a place to go where the focus was concentration, meditation, and relaxation. It really helped with my mental and physical health, plus I met some great people. I always felt so much better after class was over and slept like a baby. Some studios offer low cost community classes, or if you belong to a gym, they are included in the membership most of the time. Seriously, don't be intimidated...give it a try and feel better :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
Break ups suck. They really do. I'm really sorry you're going through this right now :( My #1 break up rule is to take care of yourself. Eat healthily, get enough sleep, and exercise. Doing that alone give you a nice base for feeling good physically. My #2 break up rule is to start volunteering. My #3 rule is self-forgiveness. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel bad about your hair. You're still a good person. We're all so hard on ourselves. We feel like we have to have everything together all the time. We don't. It's okay to break down, to feel like shit. It will pass. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
How about meetups? They usually are free and there's one for the singles..find one in your city :) And if I feel bad and have no money to spend, another good thing of pampering: a nice bubble bath, making yourself a really good quality meal (no need to be 'heavy' food, sometimes, a plate nice fresh salad can be great)...and I love power walking. It makes me happy just doing that, listening to music and just walking around the neighborhood :) Sorry about the break up :hug:
sabrinaland sabrinaland 7 years
Haha, yes he did. I really don't care about my guy friend that much anymore, I just want to feel better after the rough month I've had and would like some tips.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
He asked you that in a text? Ha. I am a strong believer in finding common interests, becoming best buddies, and getting to know all of his quirks and personality weaknesses before the first kiss.
sabrinaland sabrinaland 7 years
I am the OP by the way : )
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