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Hump Day: How Do I Know If My Orgasm Is . . . Right?

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

For years I thought I hadn't had an orgasm because I expected it to be similar to a man's. I also expected that when I did eventually have one I wouldn't question whether or not that was it because it would be so great/pleasurable that there would be no doubt whether it had happened. My biggest obstacle to get over is that I stop either myself or my partner too soon because it becomes too uncomfortable/sensitive and I just don't like it. Any advice would be appreciated. To find out what Dr. Glickman's advice is,


Dr. Glickman's response:

Many women have had similar experiences, so I’m glad that you asked the question. There are many elements to sexual pleasure and each person is different. As a result, there are lots of women whose sexual responses don’t do what they may expect, especially if they’re comparing their experiences with men’s orgasms.


Quite a few women find that sexual stimulation, especially clitoral stimulation, can become too intense. They often report that changing what they’re doing can keep the fun going without overdoing it. Think of it like switching from eating something spicy to something a bit milder to give your body a chance to catch up. That’s a useful comparison because many people tend to think that stronger sensations are always better, but it’s not always the case. Some people like spicy food and others don’t. So if you find that slow and steady gets you there, go for it!

Figuring out what works for you can be a bit easier with some solo exploration since it takes the pressure of a partner’s expectations out of the picture. If you’re looking for ideas, I really like Sadie Allison’s book Tickle Your Fancy because she offers lots of tips in a fun and friendly format. She also talks about using toys, lubricants, and fantasies so you’ll have plenty of options.

If you want to explore things with a partner, you might find it helpful to explain that your body can get overstimulated and you need to change things up every so often. That’s when it can be helpful to be able to describe what you like since your partner won’t be able to always guess when you need things to be a bit different or what you’d like to do.

While feeling overstimulated is certainly one piece of the puzzle, I think it’s important to recognize that there are many women who haven’t had orgasms for a number of reasons. Becoming Orgasmic is an excellent book that’s designed to help women figure out what their particular barriers are and how to overcome them. Women who have experienced orgasm but who’d like to have them more consistently or more easily can also get a lot out of this friendly step-by-step guide.

Got more questions for Dr. Glickman on Hump Day? Send 'em to TrèsSugar!

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Join The Conversation
MegN MegN 7 years
I find that the "You'll just know" or "If you have to ask you didn't have one" answers to not only be frustrating but just plain wrong. When I first started masturbating I was cumming and not realizing it, I spent several months pushing myself forward painfully until it kinda clicked that what was happening ten/twenty minutes in was the orgasm. At which point I stopped ~trying~ to cum, and I started to try to cum ~better~. Now when everything works out well it can be mind blowing ;)
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Thank heaven I never had a problem with it. I don't' know how to advise someone exactly. If it becomes too sensitive my guess is like the others and that you may need a good 45 minutes to an hour to have one. You may need to slow the whole thing down and while you have sex also use your hand or a vibrator on your clitoris to get things feeling just right. Keep you eyes closed and fantasize about anything taboo you want. Your partner should agree to slow down and take less weight off and yet still press his pelvis slightly into your clitoris. Also I'm guessing to stay in a position you prefer. You can also place a pillow underneath yourself to maximize this effect. But everyone is so different. For sure if you pressure yourself it will get worse and then you will psyche yourself out. An orgasm feels like a tingly buildup and then a series of small muscular contractions. But for sure slow down and then stop even if you want.
Amanda-La Amanda-La 8 years
Flickster - Tell him to slow down for a minute and you should be able to do it again after that. Same problem here it starts to hurt after a really great orgasm but you just slow down and push through (no pun intended).
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 8 years
this sounds like the problem i have with MULTIPLE orgasms. after one I react like a man. I get sleepy and it's just not comfortable afterwards. some have tried and told me to keep trying, but it wasn't confortable.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
If you have to ask then you haven't had one. There is no mistaking an orgasm. You need to start pleasuring yourself solo on the regular. Would have been more helpful if you could have given her more advice instead of recommending books.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
If you have to ask . . . ! :)
leslievanhouten leslievanhouten 8 years
one word: Sybian
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