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Hump Day: My Boyfriend Doesn't Like Giving Oral Sex

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Doesn't Like Giving Oral Sex

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
"I'm in my early 20s and just started dating this guy I feel wildly attracted to, but he says he doesn't perform oral sex ever. He says it's 'too subservient,' and he doesn't like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? OK? Or is this guy a jerk?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say,


Some people adore giving oral sex and others have zero interest in it. I suggest letting go of the idea of “normal” and focus on what works for both of you. Is your boyfriend a jerk? If he’s generally considerate about most things, or if he mostly acts in ways that shows that he cares for and respects you, then I think that’s a very different situation than if he’s generally rude, selfish, or self-centered. Take a step back from the oral sex part of the equation and make an honest appraisal of all aspects of your relationship.


Assuming that he’s not a jerk, there are a few possibilities oral sex turns him off.

Some men have absorbed the message that vaginas are "dirty." If we (men and women) weren't taught somewhere that vaginas were icky, Eve Ensler wouldn’t have felt the need to create the Vagina Monologues. And even when we intellectually know that those messages aren’t true, they are incredibly tenacious. Does your boyfriend seem like he’s turned off by your vulva in general or does he avoid seeing it or touching it? If so, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play. On the other hand, if he enjoys pleasuring you in other ways, then perhaps it’s a sexual preference, rather than vulva-phobia.

Oral sex can have connotations of submission for many. Ask him what he finds “subservient” about it. If it’s about a specific position, maybe there’s a different way for you to do it, like 69ing, or having mutual oral sex, since you’d each be “serving” the other. Another possibility is that your boyfriend might be concerned about being good at oral sex, but afraid to ask for directions.

Fortunately, there are some great books and DVDs to help him out, if lack of knowledge is what’s blocking him. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1 - Cunnilingus is an excellent how-to DVD with lots of great tips and suggestions. If you or he prefers a book to a DVD, there’s Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus. I’m also a fan of She Comes First: The...Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, although it’s not only about oral sex.

With all of these possibilities, the best advice I can give you is to ask him for more information about why oral sex doesn’t float his boat. The more you know about what’s going on for him, the easier it’ll be for you to decide what you want to do.

Venus1 Venus1 6 years
Communicate! And if he still does not want to deliver the goods (I'm going to get shot down in flames for this but men giving women oral is, in my view, so important, I think you have every right to seek this elsewhere.
krt9b5 krt9b5 6 years
what does it mean when your man "all of a sudden" does not want to have oral sex anymore with no explanation and gets mad when i bring it up? He's 12 years older than me(52) and says he just dosen't want to do it anymore??
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Lisapp03 (poster 42) as someone who goes for the girls as well as the boys, I assure you that there is nothing to be concerned or self conscious about about when it comes to appearance (I think the female genitalia is ever so pretty), or taste or smell.
Glamgirl1 Glamgirl1 7 years
no sex!...plain and simple
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
As an after thought to post number 37 with regard to " he feels we shouldn't be putting our mouths, where we urinate from", we all eat with our hand and think of the other things we do with them, simple hygiene prevents these problems.
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Please excuse the second posting here. I think the above latest poster may have problems later on if this is not resolved, paticulalry as she loves oral. I have had relations with both sexes in the past and there is nothing unpleasant about oral with either providing of course normal hygiene practices are observed. I don't orgasm from penetration so to me oral is particularly important. If the most recent poster is in the same position Trying showering together so you are both spotlessly clean and perhaps if you let him feel what he's been missing you will get something in return. Good luck and let us know how you get on. x
Venus1 Venus1 8 years
Oral is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, both giving and receiving. First of all I suggest you communicate and speak about it, but if you can't resolve this then it is time to move on. Sooner would be easier than later. At the moment you are missing out on so much. As for myself, oral is the only way I climax in partner sex, I don't have a problem with this but no one has ever I will ever penetrate me without giving me oral first.
Nadia24gv Nadia24gv 8 years
I can call anyone a prick, if they deserve the title. You were supposed to make a comment on what you thought about it, not a comment on other people's comments. lol
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
Meh. Tell him you don't like giving head because you see it as "objectifying" or that you don't like feeling "subservient." for the taste I would flick a flavoured condom at the guy and tell him to snip it in half and use it as a dam.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 8 years
I've never met a guy who wasn't willing to go down on me but I'm not sure how I would handle it... probably not well. About this whole 'subservience' thing... will he give you a back/foot rub? Make you a cup of tea? Let your dog out? Test him and see. If he'll carry out any of these 'subservient' little chores for you then he's probably got other reasons for not wanting to go down on you. I'm all about equality in a relationship but sometimes it's FUN to be served. Sometimes it's fun TO serve. Being equal to me means taking turns being the boss. To the girls who say they're self conscious... here's my advice. Watch your diet. You are what you eat, after all. Eat lots of fruit and yogurt. Avoid beer, cigarettes, spicy food, and processed/fast/fatty food. Also keep this in mind- most guys don't taste so great either, but we chicks deal with it, right?
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
I think your boyfriend's a jerk. It's too subservient for a man to please his partner in bed sometimes? Give me a break!!! I don't even like oral sex, but it means a lot to me that my boyfriend offers (and continues to offer, even after I say no). Everyone deserves a guy who cares about his partner's pleasure. That includes you!
TammyO TammyO 8 years
And he's still your boyfriend???? Buh-Bye!
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
F that! lol. It should be equal. My bf sometimes doesnt want to do it on me and I have to remind him that he needs to make me happy. I please him, in every way possible but if you neglect my oral needs, which I greatly enjoy, then you're out. lol. But you know what I mean, its a 50/50 deal.
staple-salad staple-salad 8 years
@Clareberrys (#19) - There's a difference between a guy not going down on a girl because he thinks it's too intimate to do too soon, or just feels out of practice and hasn't warmed up to it yet, and a guy saying he won't because it's subservient. The first is kinda cute since he wants it to have meaning and be special for the girl, the second is just a guy being selfish because he doesn't want to do something for a woman that doesn't yield him pleasure. and @23: Why should a guy that refuses to go down on a girl for somewhat selfish reasons DESERVE a girl going down on him? You reap what you sew, and it doesn't sound like he's been sewing what reaps oral for him.
staple-salad staple-salad 8 years
@ Hiding55 - I know that if a guy was all "my girlfriend won't give me blowjobs because she says they are demeening, however, I give her oral all the time", I know I'd call her a beeotch and tell him to stop going down on her or dump her for being selfish in bed. It goes both ways I think.
clareberrys clareberrys 8 years
See, I think if you have the mentality you get what you give then you just get stuck. If youre never giving to him then why will he give to you? ANd obviously vice versa, but why not try to just have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom and explain your feelings? Sex shouldnt be withheld as punishment...
Janey0902 Janey0902 8 years
My bf won't give it either. So...screw him! HE WON'T GET IT EITHER! He's 50 damn years old...maybe too old to want to - I don't know. But, you get with you give. You give nothing - you get nothing.
Girl101 Girl101 8 years
I actually like to give it, but don't really like receiving. Its just so personal down there. What if I didn't smell or taste good? For me I would prefer a bf who just use his hands and penis. My bf likes to go down once in a while and I let him, but I almost never get any satisfaction out of it I guess I am self conscious about that part of my body.
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