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Husband Discovered My Past Cheating

Group Therapy: Husband Discovered My Past Infidelity

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My husband and I are going through a tough time. I was unfaithful to him years before we got married and I had a small indiscretion one month after our nuptials that he recently found out about all at once. And now our once happy, blissful relationship is torn apart. We're seeking therapy and are working towards a happier relationship, but is so hard and often times, very sad. I'm trying to show him that I still love him and that I want to be with him. Any suggestions on how to make my marriage work?

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Moogwhy Moogwhy 6 years
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Newton's 3rd Law. You're gonna have to ride this one out and hope for the best. The ball is in his court now. You can't force anyone to change how they feel. There are always consequences. I feel for you. You made a mistake and it doesn't make you a bad person (unless you haven't learned from the mistake and continue to cheat) but there's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. Only time. It will be grueling, and maybe a little draining, but the best (and only) thing you can do right now is keep proving yourself worthy repetitiously. Keep showing your love and devotion without expectation of reciprocation. You're gonna have to dig deep for that endless well of self-love.
Dadday Dadday 6 years
It never gets better. Cheating does just that .. it destroys a relationship ! You can waste a lot of effort trying to fix it. Or learn from it, move on, and start over .. .. with more wisdom, and hopefully you will never repeat any of these mistakes! Good luck with a new relationship!
GregS GregS 6 years
If I were the husband here, she'd be out the door and lucky to have anything other than her clothing. And Likety-Split? Really? HIS ego? Are you suggesting that she cuckold him or something?
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Um likety split- are you freakin kidding me??? Her husband has EVERY right not to be happy right now and to not be ready to get "over it". The person he's been with has been lying to him. She has broken all trust by her lies and by keeping them hidden for years. What does ego have to do with it?? This is an issue of the poster doing a dirty, disgusting thing, acting like it is "no big deal", and her husband having to come to terms his wife is a dirty freakin birdy. Are you the one who posted this dilemma, because your lack of sympathy toward the husband seems to speak that way.
KateAthens KateAthens 6 years
I think by "small indiscretion" she just means that she didn't slept with someone else, but probably just kissed. Good luck on your marriage if you and your husband really want to work it out you can get over it.
jocupcake jocupcake 6 years
So, you actually cheated on your husband twice? Once before getting married and then right after your wedding? I understand that you don't want to feel sad, angry, and guilty but guess what? That is exactly how you should feel. You did something very hurtful, multiple times, to someone you claim to love. No matter what excuses you think you have, they will never ever be good enough to justify your actions. So despite your feeling that therapy is hard you've just got to suck it up and deal. Honestly, you should just be thankful that your husband is even willing to go to counseling with you and hasn't filed for divorce.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
People take an extra lover for a variety of different reasons ranging from lust, excitement curiosity, boredom and many other things in between. It is not ideal but personally I think there are worse things that can happen in a relationship and you can move on from here. You are seeking professional help which is good. All I would add is that I would suggest you reflect and consider why these things happened. Don't discuss this elsewhere but establish this in your head and then consider future avoidance if your relationship is right for you. Try and avoid the guilt and concentrate on the loving. There have been many people in this boat and many have sailed through it successfully. Good luck and take care.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
I wish your marriage the best.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
There's several things here that are not good: - Cheating. Not a "small" indiscretion. Especially one month after marriage. - Hiding your two instances of cheating for so long. - Happy, blissful marriage. I'm doubting this. What reasons or motives were there that led you to make the choice to cheat in the first place? What reasons or motives kept you from telling him for so long? Did he find out by accident, or did you make the decision to let him know? If you decided to let him know, why did you wait so long? - Avoiding responsibility. Like others have said, this is not something you can just shove under the rug and return to a happy life together. You need to have some semblence of self-accountability. Two indiscretions, hiding the indiscretions for years, and describing them as "small" are all examples that seem to illustrate that you are having trouble accepting responsibility for what you have done. Have you made a full apology, like Joe suggested?
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
i think your husband either needs to get over it or you need to end the marriage. cheating once, long ago, with everything else going just dandy means the only current issue is your husbands ego. should you have cheated; no. can you take it back; no. have their been any issues like this since; no. if he can't move on, and is going to hold it against you from now on, there's nothing you can do. remember that poem about marriage that reads "love does not keep score". this is that part of your marriage. next time keep up your end.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
You cheated on him ONE MONTH after you got married. That's not a small indiscretion. Get over yourself, learn to apologize and actually mean it, and be thankful he didn't toss you out on your rear.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, You need to make a FULL apology. Would you like to learn how to do that?
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I agree with other comments. You need to see your actions for what they are- Huge and wrong. Stay in therapy with him and also go yourself. There is no reason you should be thinking what you did is "small'. You need to see why you cheated in the first place and you need to figure out if you actually want to be in the relationship because your past actions speak otherwise.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 6 years
I agree with the others that you cannot even begin to solve this problem until you admit the gravity of your mistake. Cheating on someone is a huge betrayal and it will take YEARS and a lot of good counseling to get through. Not only did you betray him by cheating, but you continued to betray him the entire time that you were married to him and did not come clean. I don't know how long you've been married, but you said your first "indiscretion" was years ago which means you've been lying to him for years. If I were in his shoes, I don't know if I could move past that and ever trust you again. If you are determined to work this out with him, then you need to give him as much time and sapce as he needs to start to trust you again. Don't pressure him or make him feel guilty or try to minimize your actions and subsequent lying. He's the victim, not you. You need to be patient and let him take as much time as he needs and if you can't do that, you should just walk away.
bisou002 bisou002 6 years
I certainly hope you didn't hope to find sympathy on this board. "Small indiscretion," nothing. You messed up very, very badly. To echo the sentiments above, I'd have kicked you out of the house. I don't care when the episodes of cheating happened, I'd send you packing because I honestly wouldn't even want to look at your face. Stay in therapy.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I agree with weffie. It sounds like you need to sow your wild oats before continuing with this commitment you weren't ready for.
weffie weffie 6 years
I think you should let him find someone who will respect and love him since you obviously haven't done either of those things. Simply saying you love him doesn't make it true, if you love somebody you are honest with them. You're just using him for companionship and it's not fair to him.
MartiniLush MartiniLush 6 years
I question your statement that your union was happy and blissful. If it was, why did you cheat on him twice?
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
I think your best bet is counseling. It sounds like you're trying to make it clear you made mistakes and you're sorry, but, ultimately, it's up to him at this point.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
You are supposed to feel suuuuuuuuuper GUILTY. And you don't sound guilty. You sound like you think you can just fix things. You're the one who messed up. The problem is not that he found out. The problem is that you messed around in the first place. Until you get that sorted in the correct order in your mind, you won't be able to fix anything.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Soulsearcher got a point, first, it's stop cheating period, then secondly, cheating isn't a 'small indiscretion.' You can't treat it as if it's some minor problem easily solved. You will experience many distrust, frustration and anger coming from him b/c of your cheating, and you have to realize that for a long time to come (or until he forgives you), it'll be hard. And you'll definitely have to put efforts to show him that you are trustworthy. And accept that he won't trust you for quite awhile after such betrayal. And keep going to counseling with him.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
First, stop cheating on him. Second, stop calling it a "small" indescretion because it's a big one. If you don't admit to everything you've already done to him, you don't have a future with him, so if there is anything else you have done and havent' told him, tell him so he can make an informed decision about whether or not to invest any more time with you.
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