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Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

Group Therapy: My Husband Isn't in Love With Me Anymore

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have kids (two of whom are really young and two a little older) and a home with my husband. We have been going through hard times and got a legal separation. Since last December every night he has asked me to stay with him and our boys — but recently he asked if I'm still getting my own apartment. 

I really want him to be in love with me again, but he won't show it unless it has been a couple nights without sex and then he wants me — but still won't tell me that he loves me. I don't know what to do — because I still love him so very much, and I can't be without my children. I want the family and husband back that I had before. I don't know what to do next. I am so hurt, lonely, and confused. Please help if you have any suggestions that aren't hurtful and mean. There is only so much one person can take.

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Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
Are the two of you open to marriage counseling? If he isn't, I would suggest maybe you could go to a counselor to try to sort some of what is going on with your relationship.
ojoba ojoba 5 years
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this,unfortunately its a part of life sometimes.#1.Position yourself into taking care of you first.#2.That way you will have a stronger ability to care for your children.#3.If he hasn't changed by the time you have read this,end the readily accessible sex now and move on.
awesomepants awesomepants 5 years
Go to a marriage counselor. It's going to take the both of you to make things better and if he's not interested in that he's not worth your time. There's nothing you can do when a person isn't willing to put in the effort.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
i like... hate this guy. Get out. Get divorced. Find someone who will treat you like a wife.
betty-kraker betty-kraker 5 years
you cant give him his cake and let him eat it too most of the time all they care about is SEX yeah hes nice till he gets it then its the same old thing don't give him any and move out sex is not going to make him love you again really all its going to do is make him lay on you and grunt a little scratch an itch he has do not have sex anymore you are separated make him leave or you leave get on you feet then get your kids back
BrownEyedBabe BrownEyedBabe 5 years
I'm sorry for what you're going throught rigth now. This isn't heathly, you need to get out! He's just using you. Your husband got custody of the children? It sounds like there's more to this story than you're telling us.
dvdsky81 dvdsky81 5 years
Sounds to me like a good old fashioned case of BEING USED! How nice. Dude get's the convenience of knowing he's seperated while still knowing how you feel, and thus, using that/guilting you, into taking care of him. I know it's easier said than done, but change some of the sadness and painful need to bring things back to "normal" into some good old fashioned PISSED OFF. He's taking advantage of your sadnes and teasing you with the prospect of getting back together as he's "letting" you stick around to play housewife(ie: take care of him and kids so he wont have to). He's getting the best of both worlds while you are the one in emmense pain over this. He knows you dont want out so he's using it. He gets taken care of, while you get the "benefit" of still being with him. EVERYBODY WINS!!!! .................not. Contrary to what some would believe-anger, when it's not destructive physically or emotionally, is great. It keeps you from being walked on. It keeps you standing up for yourself. It CAN be constructive. And in this case, Id say it's time to get pissed off. There comes a time when you have to dry your tears, look at a situation for what it is and say "You know what? F&*K YOU! IM DONE WITH YOU F*&KING WITH ME!". He cant use you anymore. It's making it all worse for you. You have to think of you. Think of your own emotional wellbeing before his. If the relationship does seem like it has a chance of coming back, it sure as hell isn't going to do it with you still there. You guys need to get away from each other so you can think. He's definately not going to see other option with you as long as the wounds are kept open by still living with you-no matter how much you try to keep his life that same as it was. You guys need to seriously seperate. Maybe it'll be the best thing for you and you end up together and all is wonderful again, or you stay split and months, years, whatever from now you get to say to yourself-thank God I walked away when I did. What they hell was I thinking wanting to keep that going??
karlotta karlotta 5 years
I'm so sorry for the heartbreak. It must be very difficult, and even more difficult to make the hard decisions you need to make. The first one I think would be to ask him to leave, or to leave yourself (I would ask him to leave; he's the one who doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore, he should move out) The second one is to distance youself for a little while, not have sex with him anymore, and regain a sense of self. Your ego is very hurt so you're in no position to restart this relationship in a healthy manner. It could take months, maybe even a couple of years. But trust me, having gone through it, this is one way that men fall back in love with us. When we show them how strong and independent we are. My boyfriend fell out of love with me a few years ago, and it's when I picked myself up and rebuilt myself stronger and better and WITHOUT NEEDING HIM that he realized he really still loved me. We're still together. So I advise you to focus on you, on what you'd like for your life that doesn't include him, and on taking care of your kids. Finally, remain genuine. While you may ask him to leave and deny him sex and live your life as if you were moving on, let him know that you do love him and wish him no harm. It's important for your kids to remain civil, respectful, and even somehow loving. It also leaves the door open to him coming back. I have a feeling that he will turn around. He's going through a period of doubt like we all do in long relationships. Give him his freedom, regain yours (and your self-esteem and strength), and I'm sure you guys can regroup in a few months and be happy again. I really sincerely believe that. Good luck!
missbowie missbowie 5 years
I think that you need to make the legal separation into an actual separation. By taking some time for yourself, while not completely cutting off the lines of communication with your ex for the benefit of your kids, you could gain valuable perspective. While this perspective might be big or small it will help you to truly fathom life without your ex, and help you decide what you truly want.
lcrox07 lcrox07 6 years
I'm sorry this is happeneing to you. You must restrain from sex. Make him NEED you back. You need to pretend it's back to the time you met him. Flirt, as if you were a teenager. Rekindle your love, don't let it slip away that easily. If all else fails, then move forward.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
You say, "everynight he has asked me to stay w/him and our boys- but recently he asked if I was still getting my own apartment." So, he has your boys and you are moving out? Stop right there. If he's the one who has stopped "loving," then he needs to leave you and your love as the heart for the kids. Have him move out and pay for his kids. Perhaps away from you, as dahliadreamer said, he will realize that he needs you and recall the need for love as part of the family dynamic.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
It sounds like your relationship started having problems a very long time ago. At this point, there really isn't much turning back without major change on both of your parts. You've got to build the bridges of communication if you're going to get anywhere. So a talk is good, but I'm betting you've had hundreds of "talks" by now that have been thus far unsuccessful. I would recommend talking to trusted friends and family for help deciding whether there is something to salvage out of the separation & impending divorce.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
Rereading your post, this is what I would do: Sit down and have a civil talk with said husband, and really hash out where we are. Which, in context, is: divorced, still living together, and still having sex, the concern being that the word 'love' is missing. I'd tell him that I want to get better, and move on with life. Improve myself. I'd tell him that the sex and the living together is going to stop, and that I'm taking my kids with me, to a new place and I hope that he will take this time to really think about what he wants in life too, as I will. We're separated, and we need to do this for our kids. We need to be better parents, instead of divorced, confused, semi-together parents. Time away from each other will help us clear our heads, and who knows, maybe the future has more in store for us. But things happen for a reason, and I'm going to come away better, not weaker.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
I'm so sorry that this has to happen to you, and I feel even worse for your kids, God bless them. Separation is so hard, and I know I'm lucky I never had to go through with it, but my longest relationship I was in was with a guy who's mom died of cancer and his dad lives on the other side of the earth. He lives with his stepdad, who I can't say enough horrible things about. So in a way, I kind of know what it's like, from a (strange) third-person perspective. I think, that what you need is REAL separation from your husband for a little while. Everything is legal now, so technically you two aren't together anymore. Despite the fact that you WANT him to be in love with you again, it's clear he's not even sure what he wants himself, especially if he still wants to have a bed with you, BUT also have a divorce with you. It also sounds like there's a lot more behind this story than meets the eye. Only you and your family know the whole story, so the best I can say would be to let go of the sex with your husband, and do your best to put your professional face on. And I say professional in the sense that when you're around your husband, there can't be any more, lovey-dovey stuff, because you're s-e-p-a-r-a-t-e-d. You have kids together so you're still linked in that way, but that's almost besides the point. Your husband needs to know that this divorce garbage is serious business, and if he's going to separate from you, he's going to freakin' SEPARATE FROM YOU. Taken from one of Helen Danger's posts: Separation is often unfair in the sense that one side of the relationship is usually still in love when it happens. You need to find yourself, and to do the best for your kids. Meanwhile, your husband needs to do the same, and really spend time away from you for a while. Find something to take your mind off all the drama: join a community class, or take up a form of exercise. Find something to help you clear your mind, and really focus on what you need to do, not what your emotions keep telling you. Right now, listening to your emotions would mean keeping you in this, white void you seem stuck in and all you need is a bit fo a push in the right direction.
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