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Husband Had Emotional Affair With Friend

Group Therapy: Confronting Friend My Husband Emotionally Cheated With

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

This is complicated to say the least, but I was hoping for some advice. My husband and I have been married for over four years now. We were Christian when we married and didn't have really have sex until after getting married, although we experimented. Because of this, we were unaware of our differences in sex drives; mine is high; his is pretty low.

After years of issues surrounding sex, I cheated on him with two different men. I actually fell in love with the second man, and thus made a bad situation even worse. My husband found out, and we started going to marriage counseling (scheduling sex), and I thought that things were improving. He chose to stay with me, but I didn't realize that my infidelity had caused him to emotionally check out of the marriage.


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careysgirl1169 careysgirl1169 6 years
Your husband might be texting your friend to receive reassurance that he is still attractive to women. I'm sure his self-worth suffered due to the affairs; however, I am not judging you, because I also was seeing someone else. We've been married 5 years and before marriage the sex was great, but after marriage, he only wanted it every month or 2. This is very hard on a woman in her 40s (such as myself). Even though he rejected me 9 times out of 10, I kept coming on to him to no avail. When a younger, attractive guy started wanting to hang out, I knew I was playing with fire, but so desperately needed to feel desirable and feminine. It was as if for 5 years I felt "dirty" for having sexual needs and asking all the time. I agree with what someone else said about spending a lot of time building up and spoiling your husband. My husband discovered what I did (I was with this younger man only twice physically before my husband could tell something was "different"). Luckily the illicit relationship did not progress too far, but since the "discovery," I've been spending more time just laying in bed watching old cartoons with him, picking up his favorite things at the store, taking racy pics and sending, and using toys and creating videos (HIS IDEA!) As a sidenote, I didn't even know he'd turned the camera on until I saw us on the tv and was mortified LOL. About your friend-if the texts weren't sexual or suggestive, just tell her how it made you feel and see how she responds. That's a tough one. But with regard to your husband, he deserves a lot of credit for forgiving you. Some spouses won't. I was lucky that way too; my husband did not get mad or yell and needed a day to process things, and after 1 day he was ready to be intmate again. Oh...this whole situation jump started his sex drive again and I've discovered that he had wanted a lot more adventure, but was afraid I'd think he was "perverted" about some of the things he likes. You said you are a Christian-be careful not to let prudish ideas hinder you from trying new things-while men who love you want to be with only you, even Christian men need a variety of experiences and a sense that you are completely enjoying yourself when you are with him.
zeze zeze 6 years
Also, what did the text say? I mean if he flirted and she flirted back, it's one thing, but if he flirted and she just sort of waived it off or laughed it off, maybe she wanted to avoid being awkward and dramatic and this was the easy...yet, sort of cowardice way to handle it.
yumchums yumchums 6 years
Get rid of that B**!ch immediately. If r were you I wud giv her a hot "5" when I see her. dare!. I wud only meet to disform her. You cheating on ur husband doesn't give her a dirty way to him. Not that yu were right of seeking sexual pleasures from around That was way out of line woman! But that little cheap sl*t must go to hell. U don't need her in your life, coz she is a dangerous. U need to focus on ur marriage now and how can you make it work again. Even ur husband shud know two wrongs doesn't make a right, he shudn't hav stoop to ur level, if he wanted to make ur marriage work. Nevertheless, what happened. happened, we can't change it. Focus, fix and move on. Gudluck
Kaybaybayx Kaybaybayx 6 years
He may have choosen your friend to flirt with because he knew that it'd hurt you much more. I would keep this friend at arms length as now you know wha she's capable of. You cheating is your own reason&benefit (sex). What is she gaining out of flirting with your husband? I would put being friend since childhood aside & question your even feel comfortable with her around your husband or even whether you'll even be able to trust her...
Jake2010 Jake2010 6 years
Wow... you cheated on your husband twice and you're upset that he flirted and sent a few texts?? He took you back after you did the absolute worst thing you could possibly do to a guy - TWICE! I think it's time to stop thinking that the world revolves around you and start pouring yourself into your marriage. You should spoil your hubby and show him over and over again that it is him that you love and want to be with. You have shattered him and you hold the bottle of glue to try to put him back together again.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Maybe she felt like it would be a kill the messenger situation iff she told you what your husband was doing. Maybe she felt sorry for him because she knows you cheated, which means she's more of a friend to him than to you. Once is one thing but twice? You don't get to be too judgmental but I do agree that as your friend as well, she should have told him to stop as soon as it started. There are women that go after their friends husbands or significant others. Do you feel she is one of those? in my opinion too many people give women a free pass for inappropriate behavior and put it all on the man, after all men are supposedly dogs. Females can be just as bad and that's being real. Unless everyone is held accountable for doing something f@!ked up these behaviors will never change Don't jump to conclusions but don't be a sucker either. Have your talk and if she seems sincere then you can decide where to take it from there and if you want to continue the friendship.
sarasonne sarasonne 6 years
Your friend is friends with you and your husband. If she didn't know the problems your marriage was having, what reason would she have to tell him to f off? You even said her response was non-flirtatious. She's clueless. Don't blame this on her. It is your & your husband's problems.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
It doesn't sound like your friend did anything wrong. Your husband was probably just looking for a friend and someone to talk to.. I wouldn't necessarily call that emotional cheating. Anyway, you seem like a pretty mature person judging from the way you've handled things, and I'm sure the meeting will go alright. Tell the friend you're okay with her being friends with your husband, but that she needs to tell him when he's crossing a line. Best of luck to all of you.
Studio16 Studio16 6 years
Well, the fact that you cheated on your husband mucks everything up. Had you not cheated, I would have said to divorce him and then turn everyone in your social circle against that tramp. BUT you did cheat, which means you can't judge anyone too harshly. So you need to find a happy medium between being a saint and being a diva. You need to forgive your husband - he forgave you. As for your "friend," I would drop her like a hot potato. Friends don't let friends' husbands flirt with them! Wtf. You need to be like Lauren Conrad. Forgive her. But then forget her. Good luck with everything and I truly hope your marriage works out! Just remember one thing: Take care of yourself, first and foremost.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
You are going through a tough phase in your marriage. Regardless what you did, he decided to stay and if he did, he needs to forgive and forget, which seems he is trying to do. I think it is a good thing you are talking to your friend. I will also recommend for you to talk this with your therapist(alone) to see what he recommends, your therapist will be more qualified to assist you with this problem than (most of) us. Talk to your therapist about this issue and ask him what he or she recommends.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
texts over a few days? hardly seems worth mentioning. you say "he decided to stay"; if thats true you both need to move on. sticking around to put you through emotional hell isn't a kindness. every little thing he does shouldn't be an issue. you might ask yourself what is it that you are getting from this marriage. if the answer is "i can say i'm not divorced", and thats it; probably time to address that in your next counseling session.
trinitycc trinitycc 6 years
Hmm; since your husband seems to be "in the marriage" again, do as Helen Danger suggested. Let her tell you what she thinks before asking her why she did it. Maybe your husband chose her because she was a female he already knew and didn't think it would become physical because she is your friend. Since he has a low sex drive, it wasn't about the sex maybe but about him feeling attractive to someone. You hurt his self esteem so he is trying to build himself up. It's possible this is going to cool your friendship with her for a while...
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Tell her you're having problems with your husband and ask what she thinks. Give her the chance to bring up the texting herself. It's better to get her genuine opinion than to lead her (or scare her) into telling you what you want to hear. Your main issue isn't with her anyway. Your husband is the one who's experimenting in areas that understandably make you uncomfortable. That's an issue for therapy. As are your reasons for checking up on him.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
I think you have both hit the consequences (I won't say suffered the consequences) of both being with sexual partner number 1. For starters you may heave taken other lovers but I think you stop blaming yourself. Whatever happens it still takes two for a marriage to start to go wrong. I suggest you talk to your friend, explain how much you want to make your marriage work and see how things go from there. Finally remember that although many make a great success of monogamy, many don't and it could be argued that it is not a natural state. Many marriages have ridden this. Take care and look forward.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
You're not a bad person, but you cheated on your husband. Keep that in mind before you judge your friend too harshly. In other words, we're all dealing with our own shit and sometimes we do things to hurt the people we care about. Does that mean you should stay friends with her? Not necessarily, but your husband chose to forgive you and stay with you. Anyway, I guess my advice is to try to go in there with an open mind, with a predisposition to really listen to her and what she has to say. Good luck.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
Let her explain and tell her how you feel. I don't know if I'd stay friends with her though. That's really fucked up.
Dippyest12 Dippyest12 6 years
I think it's good that you are meeting her tomorrow. It will be the perfect opportunity for you to tell her you really value her as a lifetime friend, and then let her know how you really felt regarding the flirtatious play she allowed. Be firm with her that she crossed the boundaries and that you have some doubt on her loyalty to your friendship. Then wait and see what she responds with. Be patient and allow yourself some breathers to absorb her response without jumping in,giving her time to say what she has to say. From then you will be able to think through clearly what you do next, calmly and rationally. A good friend will respect you for listening..and you will remain in tact with your dignity. Just be sure you close the conversation with a clear understanding of how it is finished. Maybe you will both reach a new level of trust OR you may find yourself walking away from a friend. Remember..sometimes people are put into our lives for a certain purpose, and when that purpose is carried out, they move out of our lives. Not saying it will end that way, but, if it does..just be glad for the times and memories you two had, and carry on with your head held high!! Chin up!! :) and good luck.
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