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I Can't Get Over My Ex

"It's Been Two Years: Why Am I Not Over Him?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

OK, it's been over two years since I had a whirlwind romance with a guy. I really though that things were going to last. We were together for only a mere six months. When we were together he'd say things to make me feel special like, "Oh, we have so much in common!" And he'd hold me tight like he'd never let go. When he "ended" it, he just quit talking to me. Never said he was ending it or anything. Just avoided me completely. I still can't make sense of it. He started dating another girl and they are getting married in September.

Through these two-plus years, I quit trying to make sense of it and thought that I'd moved on to my own life and got over it. I had a weird dream last night that his wedding was on the main street of our little town and at the end of the ceremony I congratulated them. When I woke from the dream, that sadness from when we parted ways, hit me hard. All day I've been thinking, "I thought I was over him! What in the world?!"


What is my deal? And why did this stupid dream creep up on me like this?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Lyn1390078171 Lyn1390078171 3 years
I found to be a great resource. Very supportive community and access to lots of tools, experts & therapists. Very helpful for me.
rachelssmiles rachelssmiles 5 years
Thank you so much Bubbles, for your kind words. It means so much to me. And I could do nothing but defend you, I was getting a bit irked with some of the comments on there. Of course, the good helpful comments outweighed the bad. I haven't had time to read yet, but am so looking forward to it. And 6 mo's is nothing compared to 5 and 12 years! I'm sorry for both you girls and am thankful that you understand my feelings, especially those of hurt. I'll definately be happy to be with a seemingly boring guy if that is something I don't ever have to go through again! Thanks for the comments guys. I appreciate it so much.
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 5 years
It seems that women usually fall for these super seductive men who say things that we adore. They make us feel so wanted, so special and high. They are different from seemingly boring, predictable guys, and they take us on a different level in our psyche. They are like romantic novel protagonist, heroes on white horses, who will take us away from the dull reality and fill our lives with spontaneity and wonder. It takes experiencing these guys to spot them and protect ourselves fro them in the future. It's hard to let go of memories spent with these guys since they are usually fun and seemingly at ease with everything--and those are the memories that usually keep popping up after the break-up.
pairodd pairodd 5 years
This is typically the way it goes with "whirlwind" romances.Take a look at the way you two met, how you started dating, how quickly you became physical. Some men take very conservative girls to the "you are the one"  very quickly so that we feel comfortable having sex early. It has happened to me more than once, and I have had to figure out the triggers to make sure I don't let it happen again.   Take this last whirlwind as a valuable lesson and learn from it,  take the next one more slowly, watch yourself after dates. Ask yourself how you are feeling.  How does he make you feel?  Are you thrilled because it is thrilling, or because there are a lot of matching points between the two of you?   If it is meant to be forever,  taking a little extra time at the beginning of a relationship is worth it.  So do yourself that favor next time.  And know that once you find "the one"  you won't even remember this guy's name..   Don't be afraid, just be awake... :-)
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Rachel, I don't subscribe to threads so just saw this was from you. You sure have a lot to be proud of, you are a kind, sensitive and strong person from what I can see on these boards. I really appreciated your defense of me not enjoying a sad situation in another thread, btw -- thank you! The book I recommended will not describe personality disorders per se but is great at identifying why they're so successful at seduction and how we get hooked. @Mondon -- 12 years! That's longer than many marriages. I'm so sorry he didn't man up for you and instead made you do the tough break up work. I'm going to guess that some man is going to feel very lucky to have found you and your wisdom. I'm hoping sooner rather than later!
mondon mondon 5 years
I find myself in the same boat, but it's not so frequent as it use to be.  I was with a guy for 12 years, and I thought we were going to get married and raise a family together.  He also would say the sweetest things to me like, "we're going to be together forever," and he would also hold me tight.  We were inseparable.  He somehow found time to hang out with a lady friend that we knew, and I guess things just clicked for them.  He couldn't bring himself to tell me what was going on, and the break up was pure torture.  I had to pretty much figure things out for myself.  Losing him was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through.  I couldn't breath, sleep, socialize, work, in fact I stopped doing things I always did.  With the support of family and good friends I pushed on through, and eventually the days got better.  However, I still have dreams of him.  Some dreams are good, and some of them are as if he's breaking up with me all over again leaving me overcome with the sorrow I had originally felt 5 years ago.  Yes, even after 5 years I still become sad, I still have dreams of him, I still remember the pain, and I still cry sometimes.  However, I truly am happy now in my life.  I think the memories will always be there because he was a part of my psych, he became a part of me during those 12 years of being together.  I never felt the need to leave, I didn't need anyone else but him, and so I never stopped loving him.  Therefore, I think the dreams and his memories are how my mind and heart are able to deal with the loss, and even though I've had enough time to fill his spot in my life, there will always be a small vacant area just for him.  The thing is to remember the things you learned from being with him, and use that knowledge to make your next relationship that much stronger.  I wrote a notebook full of poetry when I was going through the aftermath of my break up.  I entered a poetry contest about a year ago, and my poem won publication in a book.  If I never felt loss before, I never would have written such poetry.  It's okay to cry, or to feel a little sad from time to time.  It's natural, but if it should become overwhelming, and almost a day to day thing it might be a good idea to find support from a family member, a very good friend, or from a counselor.  Live your life, enjoy it as much as you can.  We are only here for so long, and anyway, don't you want to find that man who would do anything for you, and who would never even think about hurting you in any imaginable way possible?  Be happy you got the time you did with your ex, but think about yourself, and don't stop living just because he pops up in your dreams every so often.  Love yourself, and a good life will just happen.      
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I kind of know how you feel. It's been a year since my ex and I broke up, but I still think about him every day and have a dream about him at least once a week. We were together 5 years and he was my first love. I've been much happier this past year since being single, and I've accepted why we can't be together, but I do miss him sometimes. The dreams are the worst because sometimes I will dream that we're still together and happy and then I wake up.
rachelssmiles rachelssmiles 5 years
Sorry ladies, I was running out the door when I wrote that. I wanted to elaborate a little more. I think you are right on Silje, about it being a subconscious signal that I am in fact over him. I've felt over him anyway, that dream just kind of messed me up, and yes, threw all of those old memories back in my face. It is a small town and I do see him sometimes and it's almost laughable because it really was him that was missing out on a good thing. For a while I felt I deserved some kind of apology from him for treating me like he did. But I came to the realisation that I didn't need or want an apology from him. I just wanted nothing to do with him anymore! Bubbles, thank you for the book suggestion. I love a good read and you have peaked my interest. I am always interested in the mind and would like to learn more about personality disorders so that I can more easily spot them in the future. I felt like it was something that I had done or that I wasn't good enough for him. I think I've always had a low self-esteem so I have a tendency to accept people with all of their faults in hopes that they will accept me with all of my faults. These two years have actually been a great time for me. I've stayed away from relationships and have been working on myself and my self-esteem. I've found that I am not that bad of a person, and I need to give myself more credit. The dream did throw me off and I felt like I was reversing instead of moving forward. But I think you all are very right. The subconscious is a tricky thing. lol. I just want to thank you all again. You've helped me to turn the negative into a positive. And I really do hope that they have a happy and long life together. I honestly hope that he doesn't do to her what he did to me because it was a pretty painful thing at the time. I can't stress enough. Thank you so much!
rachelssmiles rachelssmiles 5 years
Thank you so much ladies for your feedback. I appreciate it more than you know!! And it's also great to have some gals and gents I can come vent to if I need to! Hope that I can help you all aswell if needed. :)
Silje Silje 5 years
I'm thinking that you should take the dream as a subconscious signal (or whatever) to yourself; You have, in fact, moved on by accepting the new girl as a part of your ex-bfs life. I have dreamt about exes before and felt bad/sad about it in the morning, but very soon after I tend to remember why we broke up and realise that I'm actually very happy with the situation I'm in at the moment.    You are over him :) Have fun in your fabulous ex-free life :) 
lakegirl lakegirl 5 years
Time to move on. The last thing you want to find yourself doing is naming your firstborn son, with a different man, after your ex. ROTFLOL!!!
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
The fact he seduced you so intensely in the beginning and then dropped you like a hot potato without explanation is a classic hallmark of being involved with someone with a personality disorder. It's hard to get over those relationships because they are willing to say the most incredibly intense and seductive things a normal guy would never say in such a short amount of time. That has a pretty strong bonding effect if you're vulnerable to the intense, over the top flattery and interest. A normal guy realizes and cares there are consequences for those words, a sense of commitment. With a personality disorder life is lived completely in the moment: they realize they have to get in fast before their defects become apparent and hook their lover, and then often bolt when their feelings suddenly change, or they're about to be 'known' at some real level. It can get really ugly too. If he's like that and just left, you are one of the luckier ones. I don't know if that was your guy, but I really recommend checking out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Sokol and Carter. They don't name personality disorders, just the dynamic. You can search for information on male borderlines. You'll know after reading some info whether he fits the bill or not. Otherwise, break-ups don't really have a timetable -- it's normal to wonder and pine terribly occasionally, part of being human. If it's at the point of bothering you though, seek help to sort through it. Sometimes someone else's compassion and insight can truly help break the dam. Anyway, they're murder to get over. That's kind of their goal. They often will attempt to come back later too.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
The wedding is reminding you of the fact that this man found with someone else what he didn't find with you. It's a blow. Even when you have moved on, those feelings of pain and rejection are stored back there in your subconscious, and all it takes is a nudge, sometimes to bring you right back to the original moment of pain. It doesn't mean you haven't moved on, and not trying to make sense of such a crappy way to lose a relationship is exactly the right move. But we are all composites of everything that's ever happened to us, and even when someone's actions prove to us that they weren't the right person for us, we can wonder why we weren't the right person for them. It's a pretty normal response. Personaly, I think you're very lucky to no longer be with this guy. Whatever it was that manifested with you that caused his cowardly and despicable abandonment, will, at some point, manifest with his new wife. Don't get stressed over your dream.....your subconsious is just throwing up your old emotions, your old pain from two years ago. An uncomfortable trip into your past. It doesn't have to mean a return to the beginning of your healing process....just gives you a moment to reflect on a lucky escape. take care
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