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I Can't Seem to Get Along With My Boyfriend's Mom

I Can't Seem to Get Along With My Boyfriend's Mom

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

Me and my boyfriend have been going strong for about a year and a half, but the only thing standing in the way of our relationship is his mom. I cannot seem to get along with her, and almost feel intimitated by her. I have only been around her a couple of times, only because of the way that she acts towards me. Me and my boyfriend live two hours away from one another, and when I am invited to join him and his family for the weekend, I say no without question. 

The last time I was at his house, his mom was yelling and swearing at him about how all his time is spent with me, and that it's my fault that he's never there. After she was done yelling at him, she moved on to me saying that he has responsibilitites to take care of, and that I shouldn't be his number one priority. I was afraid to say anything back to her, afraid to correct her and explain to her that he is a grown man, and that he can take care of things by himself. A couple days after that, she told him that I am cowardly, and that I am too nervous for her liking. I don't know what to say to this lady, she's really getting on my nerves to be completely honest, but I don't want to say the wrong thing because he wants me and his mom to have a good relationship, and I am willing to try, but she won't budge. 


What should I do to get her to relax and realize that I'm not a bad person, and that I would love to have a good relationship with her? How do I show her without straight up telling her that I'm not trying to take him away from her, but that I love her son and I want them to have a great relationship as well? Any advice would be great, I'm just losing my patience with her, and I don't want that to ruin me and my boyfriend's relationship.

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lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 7 years
no wonder why he doesnt want to hang around his mother she doesnt seem to care about what makes her own son happy. which is you. I had a problem similar to this except it was a very controlling dad and younger sister team. sometimes its hard for to the other person to intervene if they have a problem standing thier ground which is obvious in his case. that lady has made up her mind about not liking you it may change but it may my case after 3 1/2years i had to leave. he needs to be strong enough and you need to take her less seriously. seriously
esweet esweet 7 years
She isn't going to change. I'd be bothered the most by how she is treating HIM, and why he takes that disrespectful and insulting behavior. He needs to stand up for himself before he can stand up for you. But I agree with most here - tough situation and warning signs for the future.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
i have a different perspective - my boyfriend's family lives 3 hours away from me, and he works about 3 hours away from both of us, so it's always a choice whether he goes home on weekends or comes to see me (well this was last year. now we live together, but hear me out) - his mom would always cry (wasn't mean to me and we get along really well) but she would cry when he would be away too long or wouldn't be home on christmas eve or his birthday and things like that...and i was fearful that she would hate me for it or blame me for taking up all his time, so i made sure that we went to stay with his family for the weekend saying no to going there, you are making it worse. you need to make it easy for him to visit his family and spend time with them. sure, you may never be best friends with his mom but you can still spend a weekend there, have a few dinners together, and spend time with your man as it all goes bf will do work around the house to help his parents or will go play hockey with his dad while i'm there but he's killing 2 birds with one stone...he is spending time with me AND them...i dont' need him to be at my side 24/7 while i'm there...i can keep myself busy as well (like go out shopping or read a book in my room or sit in the kitchen and chat with his mom while cooking...whatever) but it works out really well i don't think she has a right to be mean to you or yell at you (and i actually had a boyfriend in the past with an overly crazy mother so i know what you're talking about) but i don't think you should be cowering away from her and avoiding their house because you're making it worse
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
My father's mother and entire family are exactly like this. He never stood up to them becuase he isn't the emotional confrontational type and the abuse continues 25 years later. We just avoid and ignore them as much as possible, though its hard because my father is still close with his family. I agree that there is nothing you can say to the woman. You need to talk to him about everything - how it makes you feel, how you aren't going to put up with their abuse, how you will continue to avoid family situations, so he can understand the impact its having and start picturing his life down the line. You already know what its going to be like - just like it is now, but worse if you plan on getting married and having kids - how will she treat them? I can tell you right now i absolutely despise my fathers family, almost all of them because they have been treating us like dirt our entire lives, and it does affect things. They played favorites with us kids and enjoy lying malisciously behind our backs. They hero worship boys, and refused to visit when me and my siblings were in the hospital becuase we were girls, and when I had a girl, they sent me boy clothing... Those sorts of things impact everyone. These are things you HAVE to discuss with him and start thinking about, becuase those types of people very rarely change.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Eeesh. Sounds so complicated. I dont think I would be able to handle such a thing. I would stand up for myself the proper way. Be polite but straight forward. Not letting her intimidate me. My bfs mom is some what like that but good thing that my bf gives me my place in his life.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
What a bitch. And your boyfriend should stick up for you.
darc5204 darc5204 7 years
I agree with the majority of the posters here that there is a definite warning sign. Just staying with you despite his mother's hostile attitude is not enough. After all, you're attempting to have a decent relationship with his mother is for his benefit. Also, if the problem is that she still sees him as a child, that is also his problem. He has to do his part in establishing an adult mother/son relationship. I had a situation like this a few years ago, and I eventually realized that both he and his mother were extremely selfish in relating to each other. I don't agree with notinthemood's suggestion to essentially suck up, though. It's too submissive, too much like trying to please an authority figure, which she should not be to you. Just be polite but firm if she makes personal comments, and let him fight his own battles.
lilegwene lilegwene 7 years
I disagree with almost everyone here... The problem is not your boyfriend. He has your back. He is with you and nothing his mother says has made him question your relationship. If you want him to be more vocal about supporting you, then obviously you need to tell him. However, I don't see that as the problem. Women (and men!) with the most supportive partner in the world can still have strife with their partner's parents. The problem is his mother (obviously, she is ultra possessive), and that you want change but you don't want to initiate it. Example: You say you want a better relationship with his mother, but you refuse all invitations. How is the better relationship going to come around? You can't wait for it to come sit in your lap. My advice: Talk to his mother. Give her a call. Let her know how you're feeling and that you would like to accept invitations to visit, but after the last meeting you feel unwelcome. Good luck!
curlygirl13 curlygirl13 7 years
This sounds like the exact situation I'm in with my mother-in-law. I used to think it was my husband's responsibility to deal with her, but nothing he did worked because she sees him as a child and not as an adult. After 5 years of biting my tongue when I was around her I finally snapped. I told her she needed to start treating me with respect and I stood my ground. That was 3 years ago and she now hates me more than ever but she's a lot more civil when we are around each other. She just bad mouths me behind my back instead of to my face :) It's a tough situation, but I've learned you can't let someone treat you like a doormat, even if it's your mother-in-law. I also agree with the person who said that this is a major warning sign. Seriously, ask yourself if you want to spend your holidays with this lady for the rest of your life. Do you want this person to be the grandmother of your children? I wish my husband and I had really confronted this issue before we got married.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 7 years
Joe Tyndal, I think that you are being a little bit harsh. Anyway, I agree with the other comments, he is the one that should talk to his mother, not you .
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
What? Really? This is group therapy, not grammar police. You must be joking. Did you really make that comment? Really? Anyway, everyone who already commented is right, it is his responsibility, not yours.
leslievanhouten leslievanhouten 7 years
Perhaps if you improve your grammar, your BF's mom will have more respect for you.
medenginer medenginer 7 years
Beyond a Warning Sign. I had an ex-husband like this and his mother for ten years so here's my insight. I don't think it would matter if you said anything to her to defend yourself because she's not going to hate you any more than what she already does. Her mind is already made up not to like you no matter what. It is what it is and your not always going to be liked by everybody. He needs to get the backbone and approach his mother so the two of you can get along at family functions. If not just remove yourself from the situation of seeing her and maintain a relationship with the rest of the family. It will be much easier now for him to have her respect your relationship now than further down the line if your see yourself married to him with children. My ex mother law now plays favorites with her grandchildren who are old enough to see it. My ex-husband now sees what she's all about since he gets to deal with her involvement of them instead of me. He has one child who is the chosen grandchild and I also have one who she doesn't care to talk to. I'm very lucky and thankful to have future in-laws I love.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Yep. If you ever do some research on this subject, most professionals advise that the husband/boyfriend has to be the one to intervene and stand up to his mother to protect the girlfriend/wife. He has to. Otherwise the guy will wind up alone for the rest of his life with this controlling B. Whats she's doing is selfish and unnatural. Her controlling ways are never going to result in grandchildren are they?
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 7 years
notinthemood put it right -- it's HIS job and he is the cowardly one if he cannot turn to someone he loves and say "you are being childish and hurtful to another person I love" WARNING sign, as far as I'm concerned.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
"I dont know what to say to this lady...." --> There is nothing you can say to her, so don't try. You are doing the right thing by not going over to her house until things improve. By the way, what does your boyfriend have to say about all of this? He either has to start protecting you, or stop talking to his mother. I did not talk to my father for four years, and I did not talk to my brother for seven years. When we finally all got back together again, things went a lot smoother.
notinthemood notinthemood 7 years
Your job is to say nothing.... HE is the cowardly one. He needs to tell him mom to be nice to you and you need to keep your mouth shut and avoid confrontation with her. Don't even THINK about correcting her... she's just looking for reasons not to like you! You'll never find the magic thing to say to "make her" feel one way or the other! This is what needs to happen... your boyfriend has to say, "Mom, I'm tired of you treating my girlfriend like this. I love her and she IS important to me, and you are going to have to accept that and be nice to her. If you continue to terrorize her when she comes over, I'm going to have to move out (or get a hotel for the weekend, or something else to remove the two of you from her presence.) The reason you can't say anything is that she CAN hate you... she can't hate her own son, unless she doesn't care if she ever sees him again. So he has to be the one to protect you, because his threats matter to her. It's hard to deal with people, but in general you'll be a happier person if you stop trying to "make people see" things and just accept that some people love to be intoxicated by their own ignorance/anger/etc. So your job is to be sweet to his mom, no matter what she says. Deflect her negative comments and compliment her, encourage her to talk about herself so she can't turn the focus of her conversation on you and perfect the interested-looking smile-and-nod. His job is to be your ambassador and to make you feel comfortable. If you're not comfortable visiting, tell him you can't visit at his parents' house because they make you feel terrible and that he'll have to get a hotel room or come to you if he wants to see you. And follow through with your assertion! Loving him doesn't mean you'll subject yourself to torture at the hands of his mother! Good luck!
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