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I Can't Stand My Friend's Fiance

Group Therapy: Help! I Can't Stand My Friend's Fiancé

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

One of my best friends recently became engaged to someone that all her friends — including me — don't particularly like. Besides the fact that we hardly get to see her anymore, she has a "curfew" when it's girls' night out (whether he wants her home by a certain time or she feels guilty about going out without him, I'm not sure).

He always has to be "right" in an argument or conversation, and has talked about the maid of honor and her "inappropriate" friendship with an ex-bf (who has recently come out as a gay man). Perhaps the worst is the way my friend acts around him, always making excuses for when he's acting sexist or pig-headed.


At the end of the day, he seems to make her happy and I'm not the one marrying him, so it's not my place to say anything. But it's getting harder and harder to be excited for her wedding. Has anyone been in a similar position with a friend and their significant other? Any advice?

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dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 6 years
Update: my friend has confided in us she would go on a break if they weren't engaged, that he is a master manipulator, and tries to control her. The fact that she's finally opening up to us is great, but as of now, is still trying to get him to couples counseling instead of putting a halt on the marriage plans...
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
Been there. The valuable lesson I learned is that is absolutely everyone in your life hates your boyfriend, the problem is not your friends and family, it's the guy. It sucks but the whole zen "it's her life and she's chosen to be with him" only goes so far, especially if you're in the wedding party and shelling out hundreds of dollars and weeks of your time to indulge her mistake. There's not much you can do except minimize your time with her (sounds like that's not a problem) and be supportive of her when the relationship falls apart.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
is he abusive? Or is he just really old fashioned? It sounds like he's sexist and close minded. That's not that bad. So long as he treats her right. And by right I don't mean right in your opinion because you clearly don't like this kind of guy. But she does. Unless he starts doing things that make her unhappy or are abusive you have no place to intervene. For all you know she likes a guy who really tries to take care of her. Stay out of it for now.
weffie weffie 6 years
I feel your pain... my bff married a total creep when we were in our early 20s. I tried my best to warn her, but obviously a young girl who is blinded by puppy love and excited about planning her wedding isn't exactly willing to listen to reason. I was her MoH and I cried (not happy tears) through the whole ceremony. However, after 2 years of marriage she wised up to the fact that he was a cokehead and pathological liar and finally got away from him. Since then she's met a wonderful new guy that she's really happy with and the same thing could easily happen for your friend, too. It's sad to stand by and watch, but sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes. All you can really do is continue being a supportive friend... It's not nice to live under the sway of an obnoxious, controlling a-hole and she's really going to need you as soon as she figures that out.
jelibeann jelibeann 6 years
I've been in a similar situation a few times. I think, unless you fear he might be dangerous, you need to let her make her own, presumed, mistake. I know it's tough to listen to her go on about her wedding planning, but you have to realize most brides-to-be will spend too much time talking about their impending wedding. Once it's passed, you can move on to new topics. It seems like he doesn't come around much, so be happy you don't have to deal with him directly often. That has been the worst part for our group of friends - the awful fiance that won't go away. If he truly is that bad, she'll realize it eventually. As you said, you'll be there to support her regardless.
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 6 years
Thanks for all the's so tough, I hardly see her anymore, and have nothing to talk about besides her wedding, and it's getting tired because I don't like the guy. So, she spends her time talking about him... Guess I just needed an outlet to vent about my frustrations. It's comforting to know other people have had similar experiences with friends. It's sad to see someone that used to be one way completely change, but that's life. As a friend, I'm always going to support her and her decisions...I guess I'll just need to gently bring up that she always talks about her fiancee and maybe we could not talk about him or the wedding for a while. Thanks again everyone
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 6 years
I was in the exact same position, my BFF married a guy no one liked. But she seems to like him, I saw it wasn't a good match, but hey, she was sure, at least she told me that. I didn't told her not to marry, I asked if she was sure, if she saw him as her life buddy and she said yes, and to be patient with him, because she knew we didn't get along, I even ask her why they didn't go a live together a year before the wedding so she knew what she was going to get into. He was a macho, he told us we were immature and when on reuniones told us our friends were inmature and sometimes was all serious or not at all in the party, but inside in private sawing tv, she is a tall beautiful lady, he isn't tall and well, a little chubby and acted like he has the trophy husband (yeah i didnt like him) They end up divorcing because well, she found out that it wasn't the life she wanted, she wanted to married and be a happy couple and do modern things like going out, travel, buy a house, he wanted to marry and be at house, have children immediately because they were married, and to have a wife who cleand and works 8 hours a day. you are not in a place to try to talk her out of the wedding. Adults should know what a wedding is, you dont have to go sesame street on them. It hurts to see a friend losing her essence, but well, it is her life, you can talk to her and explain to her alternatives, offer your help if she needed something, and maybe a code for emergency if she asks for help someday.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
What do you want to do? Tell her to stop talking about Mike? It's a little early for an intervention. I understand it can be irritating, but I'm sure you've dealt with love obsessed friends before. Talk about your own relationships and ask for her advice, when you can get a word in edgewise. Or give her a little space until she's calmed down. She'll slow down about Mike after a while. Be patient.
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 6 years
Helen Danger, she hardly goes anywhere without him, and when he isn't there, she can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around him. All of her opinions are gone, and every other sentence begins with 'well, I would, but Mike wants...' or 'Mike said...' etc. As I said in my post, I know I'm not the one marrying him, and I would NEVER try to dissuade her from being with him, I'm just looking for some advice on dealing with a situation like this.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
So don't hang around him. I don't think your friend is asking you to include him when you get together. You like your friend, so focus on her. Her relationship is her business and your lack of chemistry with the guy doesn't say anything about whether SHE'LL be happy with him. If it falls apart, you'll know what to say and do at the time. Until then, support her in doing what feels right to her. Be excited about her happiness. You'd want the same if you fell in love with a guy she couldn't understand or relate to.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
The only thing you can really do is try to explain to your friend that you're concerned that this guy is going to end up mistreating her. My mom and her siblings went through this when one of my aunts married a complete d-bag. They actually had serious concerns about his anger issues & potential domestic violence, so they hired a PI to do a background check & such on the guy. Turned out he had done an assault with a deadly weapon while trying to knock over a convenience store shortly before he and my aunt got together. He had some other minor stuff in his history, but the big issue was his assault charges. Still, despite knowing his history, my aunt married him & has been the subject of much abuse by him (in public, even). He regularly grabs her by the hair and drags her out of the room, vebrally abuses her, and is generally a d-bag deluxe. It's such a sad mess & she won't leave him.
aliciatx aliciatx 6 years
I went thru this exact thing with my friend. My friends & I would always tell her to not let her bf treat her badly, he was controlling, condescending, had a bad history of cheating oh his exes (he boasted that he had never been faithful to any ex gf) & assaulted an ex gf, etc etc. She never listened to our advice, his control over her only seemed to get worse & she put up with it to the point where it got ridiculous & we would roll our eyes at her whenever she told us of something else that happend (for example, she would make him dinner, he didn't like how it "looked" even though it tasted great, so she would give him $20 so he could go buy something else to eat!). Noone's advice worked & she ended up marrying him! Now we just tune her out whenever she tells us of something else that happened because our advice falls on deaf ears. If you've already tried to give her advice & she hasn't changed her situation then I don't think your friend will listen to you. It's hard to help someone make better decisions when they either do not think there is a problem or don't want to help themselves. In my friend's case, it just her distance herself from her friends because she didn't like to hear us telling her that he was no good. Maybe she's happy in this kind of relationship, it may not be healthy, but some ppl gravitate toward co-dependent or controlling relationships. If you've already offered advice, all you can do is wait for her to realize that it's not healthy & have the courage to find something better.
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