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I Checked His Email

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I've been seeing this guy for four months. Everything seems great — I'm head over heels and sure he's the one. I assumed he felt the same way. He kind of fudged the facts on at least one of his past relationships — he acted like they accidentally hooked up once, but they actually either hooked up or slept together several times or maybe even dated briefly. Anyway, one night I couldn't sleep and he'd left his blackberry laying around. He's constantly sending emails when we're hanging out, so I let my curiosity take hold and went through his email.

I found out that he emails an ex daily and occassionally talks on the phone (we almost never talk on the phone) with her — sometimes about their shared careers, sometimes about fights we've had. He's even forwarded emails I sent him — which I thought were just between us. What was most shocking was that he had sent her an email earlier that night saying that my penchant for "bad tv, celebrity gossip, and general sloth" were driving him out of his mind that day — a day when we'd been snowed in. It's driving me nuts to know he's not just being critical of me in his head, he's also telling people and not telling me. I can't risk the relationship by admitting I snooped, but I'm heartbroken by his judgments of me behind my back.


What should I do?

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Source: Flickr User liewcf

nonamesecret nonamesecret 6 years
More or less all the comments here blame both your behavior and obviously his.I'll drop my 2 cents too.I've had a story with a guy for almost 2 years.6 months prior to meeting me he had broken off with one who,by his sayings, had cheated on him.He treated me nice,met his family,his friends(who,the latter,by the way all knew his story).Towards the end of the relationship I had a rough time and I saw that he was getting more irritated supposedly because I stressed over nothing (well,I don't think that having housing,financial and taking the decisions of moving to his country without any assurance was ..not much to stress about).I knew he didn't have to stress over anything in his life until then so I attributed that to his lack of experience and was happy to know that in a few months everything will be done from my side so he'll see that it's not always stress. Anyway, I had always trusted the guy.He had given me his email password and knew he didn't have anything to hide.I didn't need it but anyway was happy to see so much trust.At some point,just like that,he started accusing me I'm going through his e-mails though I was even telling him when I would have logged in,which was by the way maybe once a month.I asked him why he says such things in an accusatory manner if I am being open with him.We break up at some point he cuts contact completely though in the last months he was acting belittling not supporting and as I mentioned I attributed it to lack of experience. I accepted the irrational break up and went on with my life.More than half a year after the break up smith strange happens one day and I get access to our phone invoices (I was still on his plan,long story due to my status in the country so I won't get into it,but I was paying him monthly without any communication). To my surprise,for 4 months before the break up he had constant communication with the one who cheated on him,long phone conversations,constant texting. I felt very betrayed and used,given the fact that he was often bashing her while we were together and I even asked him if he's over her,he was saying yes and then I even told him that people make mistakes so he might as well be civil to her but he was definite in the fact that she doesn't deserve any attention from her.Moreover,besides this ex,he had just met another woman,one week prior to our sudden break up which at that time he attributed it to a minor totally different reason.Understand that I never doubted him to the point of caring about who he talks to,just thought if I m honest and open I should assume the same and believe my partner when he says he is also.Now for all who say that it is bad to "check" on private things, don't you think that if a person wants trust,it is given, he/she should also give it,thus there shouldn't be such things as "secrets" so if everything is clean then no partner should feel "invaded". Do you think is better to love someone and for the sake of the thought of not invading" personal stuff" one should go through all the emotions I went through,not understanding how someone is capable of doing such things,or is better to leave things as "personal stuff" outside of the discussion when in a serious relationship?I would have spared myself much grief by doubting the person I was with,but then again why do we love and stay with someone if we wouldn't assume they are trustworthy. For our OP, I think you should tell him you feel he's not so comfortable with you sometimes and ask him if there are any things he doesn't like about you.If he cares about you he'll appreciate you asking him and he'll tell you.It will be up to you what you do about the things he might admit he doesn't like,change,not change.He might tell you some of the things you read about or he might say he likes everything about,but in either case he might start to appreciate you for the fact that you were considerate towards him and he will stop doing what he's doing or...he might prove he's just a coward.How will you figure this out? By sticking around a bit longer to be able to check at least once or twice again if he continued doing what he was doing.If he still talks to his ex about you,it is clear that he's a coward and is in fact after his ex.In this case,be a lady and just dump him gently not mentioning anything you read about.If he changes,then again, don't mention anything about what you read and acknowledge the fact that we each have our own weak moments as he had as you also were not aware that there might have been some things he didn't like but did not know how to tell you.And to those saying that it's ok to ask opinion from friends and family when in a relationship, do family or friends know you more than yourself? What if your friend whos opinion you ask for knows only you but not your partner thus you are given a biased opinion based on the limited information you provided? In either case, friends and family's opinion about your partner serve only to confirm or infirm unconsciously your own opinions and that is not fair to the partner in a relationship.You date or live with someone thus what you decide or discuss with your partner should remain only between you and your partner.Hope this helped our OP and maybe others too.Sorry for the long post but didn't know how to make it shorter.
Anne26 Anne26 7 years
I have read all these comments. For those that have stayed with men that were practically cheating on them really need to find a man that will truly love them and not cheat or casually cheat. Here is a better way of understanding: You want a 2-4 year marriage then stay with him. You want a long lasting lifetime marriage, find yourself a man that will never cheat and really show you that he really loves you not have a side person to emotionally dwell on. Maybe he will realize what he lost and come back and change. Every man deserves an opportunity but never allow anything that isn't right and show him that if he messes up once it's over. If you let him continue to do wrong things he will only get worse and cheat more. Show him you deserve to be respected not walked all over and treated badly. No woman deserves that. :-)
nomorecoffee nomorecoffee 7 years
Checked his email!!! Drop the deserve better. Let him try living without you...who will he complain about then? I checked my man's email also...glad I did. He has been communicating with another woman...who appears to be his girlfriend also. Despite the fact that I love him...he is not the kind of man that I would marry. He's broke ...has emotional issues and drinks too much. First I was hurt. I did some tears and had some moments. I never told him what I found out about him..and I continue to let him come visit. The last time he visited me..I took a long hard look at him. I noticed several things about him that I did not like...he should feel lucky that I even considered him my boyfriend. He had nothing when I met him. I bought him clothes,shoes, jewelry and I let him drive my up scale car...I guess that's how he picked the other woman up...she probably thought he had some money. Well she is in for some big surprise!! I stopped buying clothes and etc....I noticed that he looked tired and his clothes are starting to look worn...she can have him..I will leave him as I found him...broke and tire looking...when she finds out that he's broke and a loser...she will kick him to the curb also. As for me...I no longer have time for him...I would rather spend the night watching tv than spend time with him. He does not deserve to know the truth of the matter...He looks puzzled when he tries to kiss me and I walk away. he can't understand why I never invite him over anymore . I am always a smiling and gracious host when he stops by. I am not going to tell him that I know about her...I'm going to sit back and watch the drama he will probably have to borrow money from her to survive...He does not deserve me. You need to drop that bum also. You are so much better than that. If I had not read his emails ...I would still be shopping for him...Infact I am glad he's with her...I am saving money and I don't have to cook for him anymore..
1crazy1 1crazy1 7 years
O.k. you looked at his email on purpose you knew something was wrong. Maybe he isn't as committed to you as you are him, you've been in the relationship only a short time have you talked in depth about the nature of the relationship and where he hopes for it to go, possibly you can talk to him and find out where the relationship is headed however there has to be trust within the relationship which both of you will need to work on since both were being sneaky him by his emails about you with his ex and you by purposely reading them . ( there are other incidents when if you read them it would of been different if that is his personal blackberry and you don't share it or share an email address etc. than it is different than if you share your computer/messaging spaces etc.) anyway, if the relationship is going to work you both need to be more honest and trusting of each other. there is a song that applies to this "Do you really wanna see so clear even though bad things might appear" it applies to many areas of life and this is one of them
bbiatch bbiatch 7 years
To be fair I wouldn't be as harsh as some of the others and just say leave him. I think you should first ask him if he still has anything to do with any of his ex's, as in, are any of them now his friends.... this is an innocent question because one day you could be his ex, and you wouldnt want to have wasted all of that time to end up with not even a friendship. If he lies at this point and say hes not just say you are worth more than being with a liar..... or even just say that you wouldnt want to be one of those girls later on so its best you break up now (no reason to admit your snooping) I look through my boyfriends phone if he leaves it hanging around (he always deletes EVERYTHING but thats a whole nother story)... back to you... He really could just be confiding in this ex as a friend, I am still friends with some of mine and I am sure that you confide in people about the ups and downs in your relationship... the only issue you have right now is your insecurities... you dont like him talking to her because shes a girl.....I think its probably innocent... after all, hes with you, not her.
bittie bittie 7 years
i too would say leave. :( if your boyfriend were sharing these feelings with a guy friend or even an uber-platonic girl friend, it would be one thing--the natural, inevitable venting that everyone does to blow off steam about their relationships when the little things driving them crazy aren't worth arguing about with their significant others. no different from you venting to your own girlfriends--or to all of us on the sugar network, for that matter. however, his taking these feelings to someone with whom he was once involved is a betrayal to you and your relationship--it's basically him casting you as the horrible, not-right-for-him girlfriend against 'the one who got away' (the ex). it's not fair. and it's probably not even accurate, since it's terribly easy for guys in relationships to get that grass-is-greener syndrome and idealize a past fling. i think admitting you snooped is up to you, but i would definitely tell him you think you need time apart to see if you are really a good match for one another. i feel for you; i would feel super heartbroken and betrayed in your position. :( i'm sorry and i hope everything works out one way or another!!
lonelyblond lonelyblond 7 years
i feel what your going through.....i was afraid my man was cheating on me, so i went through his email.......i found about 20 postings to a personals site saying he wanted to have sex with them while he was at work, while i was at work and my daughter was at school.....alot of very hurtful things......of course i am not thinking right and i am still with this man, but when i called him on them, he deleted everything....that i know of.....once a man proves he will be dishonest to you, hdiding ANYTHING behind your back....dont be shocked if he does it again under a different name...if he wants to do it, he will.....unlike women, who usually dont unless it beifits them in some way or another......i have personally dealt with alot of lies, and it is just hidden from me.....
Anne26 Anne26 7 years
Dump him. He still cares about his ex. Truthfully just find someone that will only care for you. Not someone that is still stuck on his past.
AmyLyn AmyLyn 7 years
The second you get insecure enough to pick up his phone, it's time to throw in the towel! It's hard to do but if you trusted him then you wouldn't have that urge. Yes, it's 100% wrong to snoop and the fact that you were worried to the point that you would cross that line speaks for itself. We all make mistakes....but I can say from experience; nothing good can every happen from opening up that phone!
biarose biarose 7 years
I honestly couldn't stay with a guy if I found out that he had told someone that my penchant for "bad tv, celebrity gossip, and general sloth" were driving him out of his mind. No matter how I found out, it'd just show me that we weren't right for each other!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
I know this is off the subject, but regarding emails and texts and looking at significant others messages, there seems to be such a wide range of opinions. For a year I shared email with my husband and good grief. Everyone was whining about it so much. Even my own mother complained. I kept asking, what is the big deal? I learned even with innocent everyday mails there are some things that the sender intends which is to reveal a message only to one recipient. That another reader - husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend is just an outside intrusion in some fashion........
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
As for sharing points of frustration and/or disagreement in a relationship with a third party I think we should cut him some slack on that because the clear majority of people men or women turn to other people (confidants) for advice in these situations. I have person in my life who I talk to about everything and anything if I need to because sometimes I either need to vent or I simply need advice. Now having said that we do have the circumstance of this man talking to an x-partner here. I'm friends with both my xbf's but the thing to consider in his case his xgf simply a platonic friend or is he/they still entertaining romantic feelings? This should be easy to determine simply by reading their communications which she has self admittedly done. If there aren't any romantic overtones in their communication that's one worry you can probably check off your list. The next thing to take into consideration is are her responses to his concerns about you pointedly critical of you or are they objective advice. If she criticises him as well as you then that is a true objective and helpful confidant. If it's all about just bashing you then that's not good. As for snooping out of pure curiosity simply because the opportunity avails it self. From personal experience I have to strongly disagree with that action. I dated a guy once who snooped on me because he had trust issues to begin with compounded with the fact that he had a mother who called him a couple times a week crying over the horrid divorce she was going through because of his fathers infidelity and treatment of her. She would tell him he can't trust me as a result of her experience with his father. Long story short bozo starts digging through old storage boxes of mine. Things I my self hadn't gone threw in a few years. He opened my bank statements and telephone bills. Finds old pieces of paper with other guys numbers on them who I had long forgotten about. Then I come home to the great inquisition. He proceeds to ask me why I haven't talked to him about things I haven't even thought about for years. Asking me to explain all the transactions on my bank statement etc. I knew his mother had something to do with this madness so I tempered my rebuttal to all of this but there was just no saving the relationship after that breach of trust and assault on my character when I hadn't even given him cause to distrust me that way.
biarose biarose 7 years
Yeah, you really shouldn't have snooped through his emails.. but if you want to save face I think you should probably just break up with him and don't tell him about reading his emails, lol.
sourcherry sourcherry 7 years
You snooped because you felt he was hiding something and were not able to trust him. In that case you should break up with him regardless of what you found, because when there's no trust the relationship can't go anywhere. Either you decide the problem is your trust issues, or you decide it's him and his secretive ways, the end result should be the same. That being said, he's disrespecting you and, to be honest, he probably still likes his ex.
care0531 care0531 7 years
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A SCENE FROM THE MOVIE HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.... and hate to say it because I know it's heartbreaking but obviously he isn't that into you. It's only been 4 months regardless of how strong you were feeling get out. You obviously didn't trust him to the point where you felt you needed to snoop and he obviously gave you reason to feel that way.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 7 years
wow, i cannot believe you read his emails! i think you would do well to spend some time single and working on yourself until you feel comfortable and confident enough with yourself to enjoy someone else's company. at that point, the right guy will come along if that's what you want.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
I just have to come back and second SKG's comment. Just because you "found something" this time doesn't make your actions acceptable. I'm surprised that all of the advice on here has concentrated on his supposed wrongdoing, and yet barely anyone has said anything about the fact that she violated his trust too.
chillchic chillchic 7 years
Dump him. He's a jerk and if he's complaining to his ex it means that he values her over you and would probably get back with her if she let him.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 7 years
Run for the hills honey. Its done.
Raynne413 Raynne413 7 years
Ok, you really shouldn't have snooped because ANY good relationship is based on trust. On the other hand, I can totally understand how hurt you are. It's never nice to hear bad things said about ourselves, especially by people we care about. When it comes to his forwarding emails of yours, though, in his defense, he could have been trying to get her take on something you said to see if he is misreading it. I use my male friends in this manner all of the time.
alliegarra alliegarra 7 years
This is really bad. You don't need this. This guy is totally disrespecting you..and with his EX at that! You need to just break up with him and move on. This guy is more trouble than he is worth. I am sure of this. This behavior is unacceptable on every level. Move on.
tarabara1229 tarabara1229 7 years
Agree, this relationship has gone past its expiration date. Don't delude yourself.
suziryder suziryder 7 years
If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. I don't see how he can possibly be the one if he's chatting it up with his ex and sending her your PRIVATE EMAILS?! Why would he possibly want to do that other than to humilate you. It sounds like he's not happy in the relationship and wanting to get back together with his ex. Break it off, now. The simple fact is, if he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you, and he wouldn't be constantly keeping in touch with his ex. At the very least it's a sign of a lack of respect, especially since he's not being open about it. And if he doesn't respect you... I don't see why you'd want to stay with him. And I agree with snarkypants, you crossed the line by checking his emails. You weren't being trustworthy yourself, and you know it because you said you'd risk the relationship if you fessed up.
snarkypants snarkypants 7 years
agree with all of the above. leave, he's a scumbag. but you might want to work on your trust issues before getting into another relationship. what you did is a dealbreaker too.
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