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I Compare Myself to His Ex

Group Therapy: I Compare Myself to His Ex

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend was engaged to his ex girlfriend — they were together for 4 years (off and on) — and he was truly in love with her, and recently got over her before dating me. When we first started dating, my boyfriend told me he likes "bad girls," but when I told him I couldn't figure out why he was with me, he assured me that he likes me for me.

I've looked at her Facebook pictures, and she is the total opposite of me. She has dark hair, tattoos, dresses slutty, has a tongue piercing, has no job, didn't go to college, rides a motorcycle, and has perfect skin and a really good body (way skinnier than me). I understand that guys are attracted to different types of girls, but I can't help but feel that my boyfriend wishes I was more like her.


He told me once, "You dress really conservatively," and I was wearing a tshirt and jeans! When we go out, he will suggest things for me to wear that look exactly like something his ex would wear. He wants to buy a motorcycle, and wants me to go with him to take a class to learn how to drive one (which I want to do, but he suggested it). He sometimes asks why I got rid of my belly button piercing. There are just a lot of things that make me think his ex was more his "type" than I am. I don't feel like he is trying to change me; he is definitely supportive of whatever I want to do or not do. I know he chose to be with me, but still, it makes me question if I'm what he really wants as a total package.

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Join The Conversation
runswimmerrun runswimmerrun 6 years
Next you go home to visit parents or are away on a "girls" weekend, or just sometime when you have a few days away from him try this: Clear your head (deep breathing, yoga, meditation, just brainstorming), and take the time to write down a list of things that are important to you, goals in your life, things that you want to achieve, and things that make you happy. Growth and change are not bad. Taste in clothing can be fleeting and things you want to "try out" will come and go. However, if you feel yourself deviating from this core list of values, he is no good for you. You will end up trying to keep the relationship going when it is fated for something else.
Miss-Kaylie Miss-Kaylie 6 years
I agree with Helen Danger, you could make some little wardrobe tweaks in private with him, and I think that would go a long way! It's a crappy thing to feel like you're being compared to his ex, and it's even crappier that she was skinnier. I've been there, my boyfriend's ex situation is almost identical except she wasn't biker chick-ish. I sometimes worry that he preferred her seemingly anorexic frame, etc. but after months of practice, I've gotten really good at stopping those thoughts in their tracks, reminding myself, he's in love with you, and chose YOU! Just stay true to yourself, and if you really care for him, try doing some outfits in his style preference once in a while (if you want). If it doesn't get better, you will find someone who loves you for you, every little detail of you. Best of luck to you!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I'm also curious how long you've been dating, and how long it's been since he broke up with her. There are two options: he's either adjusting to the change of dating a completely different person, or you are the rebound. In my experience, I'm a very girly girl, and right after dating me my exes tend to date a laid-back hiking/camping/michael frante listening girl for a couple months, before going back to girly girls. With that said, I dated a certain type all my life before meeting my current boyfriend, who is the one I'm going to marry. So sometimes people discover that what they decided is their type is not right for them at all.
myhousemd myhousemd 6 years
Do you like yourself? Well, then the guy you date should like you, too! Just tell him that you don't feel comfortable doing the things he wants, and that he should appreciate what he's got. If he doesn't, you two should stop wasting each others' time and just get on with finding the right one. Your problem isn't that you're comparing yourself to his ex, it's that he's comparing you to his ex (or at least girls like her). And if you want to learn to ride a motorcycle, embrace that fact that you two have that in common! Go for it!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I guess it depends how much you hate halter tops. If it goes against your personality to wear one, then maybe he's the wrong guy for you. But if you don't care much one way or the other, dress up like Bombshell McGee or whatever for him in private once in a while and he'll consider himself the luckiest guy in the world. Being attracted to certain aspects of the way a biker chick looks does not mean he wants to live with one. He tried it once and chose you instead.
Life-Is-Never-Enough Life-Is-Never-Enough 6 years
How long have u been with your boyfriend? Have you open your feelings to him about that? Really, he should not "encourage" you to wear something that you normally don't. Stay true to yourself, and tell him that you care a lot for this relationship but concerns with how he pictures you in as you are, or something else.
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