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I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Friends — Advice?

I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Friends — Advice?

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I hang out with my boyfriend almost every day and we both have plans to be with each other for a long time. He's the only person I've ever really loved but it's starting to become apparent that I am emotionally sensitive and somewhat untrusting of him. I feel like I should be his number two priority, next to his family, but sometimes I feel like I'm at the bottom of the list.

He brings his friends over once a week to hang out and drink, and this never used to bother me. But as time goes on I feel like hanging out with me is never good enough for him, because even when we're on dates, he will be texting and answering calls the whole time. I don't like his friends because they are all very immature and their lives seem to center around drinking (my boyfriend is 27 and all his friends are 21). Some of them are actual alcoholics, drinking every single night until the sun comes up. Now as you can imagine, I do not like hanging out with these people (who would want to be around a bunch of immature alcoholics?). I don't like how my boyfriend acts around his friends because the only way he can relate to them is through alcohol. He will end up hugging beer cans in his hand the whole night, forgetting I am even there.

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I've told my boyfriend how I feel and he always tells me I am overreacting. So basically what I want to ask is am I overreacting? I just feel as though it is time for my boyfriend to grow up and acquire more responsible friends who we can both enjoy hanging out with.

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Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 7 years
I know the feeling my bf bff is one of the most boring and down right nonsensical persons I know.
Tiffanywhitfordx Tiffanywhitfordx 7 years
Well..a lot of guys are the same ..their age doesnt really affect their personality. Guys are immature..and when their around eachother..its just a headache and a half. Why dont you try going out with the girls when he invites over the guys, and if thats not possible, then go do something for yourself..like you said its only once a week right ? you have everyother day with him, of course work needs to be done in the relationship because it seems like your feelings are not takeing affect on him, which they should. ignoreing this is not going to help, and him hanging out with 21 year olds with him being 27..isnt soo bad because their adults..and even though theres a big gap..it doesnt really affect their maturity. So..my advice is that you try to have a deep discussion with him, i wouldnt nag him because he would just feel like your complaining..which isnt what your trying to do, you just want him to understand how your feeling after all right ? So like i said have a deep serious conversation with him, ask him questions that he can't answer with yes or no, so you can see how hes REALLY feeling to. :)
alliegarra alliegarra 7 years
This guy is not going to change. Accept this and get over it. You will either deal with his BS or leave.
jauntycap jauntycap 7 years
My mother always said, "Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are." You might be annoyed by his friends, and bothered by the fact that he's constantly texting, and it might make you feel like you're not good enough or important enough to warrant his full attention. I get that. But aren't you just the slightest bit BORED? watching his drunk friends act stupid? BORING. sitting at dinner while he's on the phone? BORING. Have you ever considered that maybe you don't like your boyfriend that much? I'm sure he's cute and funny and makes you feel good some times--but that might not be enough for you. You might need someone a little more mature and INTERESTING; someone with real goals, ambition, someone who thinks, not someone who just drinks? Tu sabe? What's worse is that this guy might think the he, himself, is boring. Maybe that's why he's gotta have the phone, and the loser friends, and the booze, because he knows that there really ain't much going on upstairs. My advice: wear a condom. And let him go when you realize that you just can't stand another day of it.
jauntycap jauntycap 7 years
My mother always said, "Show me who your friends are and I'll show you who you are." I think it's your boyfriend that you don't like so much, and his friends, well, they're just the unintended consequence, the painful side effect, of spending time with him. You might be annoyed by his friends, and bothered by the fact that he's constantly texting, and it might make you feel like you're not good enough or important enough to warrant his full attention. I get that. But aren't you just the slightest bit BORED? watching his drunk friends act stupid? BORING. sitting at dinner while he's on the phone? BORING. Have you ever considered that maybe you don't like your boyfriend that much? I'm sure he's cute and funny and makes you feel good some times--but that might not be enough for you. You might need someone a little more mature and INTERESTING; someone with real goals, ambition, someone who thinks, not someone who just drinks? Tu sabe? What's worse is that this guy might think the he, himself, is boring. Maybe that's why he's gotta have the phone, and the loser friends, and the booze, because he knows that there really ain't much going on upstairs. My advice: wear a condom. And let him go when you realize that you just can't stand another day of it.
Mercedes406 Mercedes406 7 years
I dated someone who went through his "Quarter Life Crisis" and could only relate to 20 - 21 year old people. (He was 27) I got the same comments about blowing things out of proportion until I realized that we just wanted different things. Figure out what you want from a relationship and then see if he fits into it - not the other way around. It took a long time (too long!) to realize that we were at different maturity levels and I wanted more. If he won't take your concerns seriously, then they aren't concerns to him. Sorry...
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
"I have seen too many if these aging frat boys and their sh!tty relationships to feel positive about yours." ROFL. Hear hear.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Sorry, but this will not work long term. I have seen too many if these aging frat boys and their sh!tty relationships to feel positive about yours. Anytime some guy dismisses a girlfriend's concern as "overreacting", that is a huge red flag. Either he just doesn't care enough about your concerns to listen, or he knows he is acting immature and doesn't want to hear it from you. Either way, it sounds like you two want different things, and are in different places right now. If your relationship doesn't work out, I would also say that you need to take on other interests and friends outside of any relationship you have with a man. Guys do need their guy time, but really, that itself is not the issue with your current situation.
likethedirection likethedirection 7 years
I'm not sure if your problem is actually the drinking or the friends themselves. Would it be better if he still had the same friends, but just didn't drink as much? I was in a similar situation a while ago. My boyfriend would hang out with immature friends and they would drink too much. After two years of constant arguing about it, I finally realized that it had nothing to do with the friends. It had everything to do with my boyfriend. He was the one that had to make the choice not to drink too much. He could definitely still go out and have fun with his friends, but having a few beers with friends is a lot different than downing a case of beer or doing shots all night. Getting drunk just wasn't acceptable to me. My boyfriend and I made a compromise that he could still hang out with his immature friends and he could drink, but he couldn't get drunk. We've now been dating for four years...the first two years were hell (over this very issue) and the last two years have been heaven. We're so happy, he still goes out with his friends and has a good time, but he's responsible and never drinks too much. I guess my point is that you need to determine what the actual problem is. If something your boyfriend is doing is not acceptable to you, let him know. If he's not willing to compromise with you, then it would probably be in your best interest to find someone who will. Believe me, there are plenty of men out there that don't drink and will respect your opinion, and maybe modifying some behaviors for you.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 7 years
bplasters, maybe he's friends with AND DATING a 22 year old for a reason? I agree with runningesq -- its a maturity thing, and honestly, I dated immature frat boys.... when I was in college, and was an immature sorority girl.
Miss-Bree Miss-Bree 7 years
It's like your comment was written from my own hands! I have the exact same problem (my bf is 29, many of his friends are 22ish ) And it sucks. I'm only 22, but i sort of passed that crazed collegey drinking phase a few years ago, and i hate that he still acts that way. And that he seems to think it's somehow still normal. All of his long-time friends have married, started families, and moved away, and he seems to be stuck in this rut of not letting go of drunken bachelorhood. I wish i could give you advice, but I'm hoping for some advice myself.
juicebox07 juicebox07 7 years
I don't think you're overreacting. In fact, I know how you feel. My boyfriend acts the same way around his friends. Therefore, I try not to hang out with him when he's with his friends too often.
tarabara1229 tarabara1229 7 years
I agree with outsung. Sometimes guys don't know what you mean by "dates"- they can mean many things to many people. You should tell him how you define a date, and also let him know what you feel is or is not appropriate behavior on a date (within reason, of course!).
medenginer medenginer 7 years
It time to have a serious conversation with your reasonable expectations how one acts in a relationship. He can meet those expectations or move on.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
I, like McRiguez, have also been there before. At first it's just an annoyance you notice when he's with his friends, then it becomes full blown resentment even though the friends are total jerks. I dated my ex for 4 years and never understood how he was so close to his small group of friends. It always seemed like they were a few steps behind me in my maturity level, which then became clear that so was the ex. I am in college now, soon to graduate and he is still fumbling around with school, partying away. Eventually reality hits them and they are left completely alone without a degree or much of a future. Now, if you were simply jealous of his friends coming over once a week, then you need a reality check hun, boyfriends are allowed to have a life outside of your relationship, but this seems to me it's more of a problem with the activities they participate in. Either accept that he gets a little out of control one night a week or move on!
outsung outsung 7 years
I agree completely with what everyone else said but the only thing I would change is define what are dates. It may seem obvious to you but he may see it as just hanging out with you, especially if you've been in a relationship for a long time. maybe make it a once a week with friends and at least once a week just the two of you and no distractions.
Deidre Deidre 7 years
I believe wholeheartedly that in order to be in a healthy, honest relationship both parties need to maintain some of their own individuality in their coupledom. Simply put, it's important for you to spend some time apart and focused on your own friends or hobbies. You have to be your own person in order to bring something of value to a relationship. In reading between the lines on your post, you make it sound like you need to be around him all the time. And you don't mention time with your own friends -- I would suggest hanging out with them when he needs some time with his guys. If you are worried about any unhealthy behavior your boyfriend is engaging in with his friends, then let him know (e.g. if he's drinking more and more heavily). But if you just find his friends annoying and immature, then he's just going to see it as you being nitpicky. You can request that when you're on dates that he focus on you and not his buddies' text messages -- but that means you have to owe him the same courtesy and not be calling him all the time when he's hanging out with his friends.
runningesq runningesq 7 years
Red flag, IMO, that he is 27 and hanging out with 21 year olds. It's a BIG age difference... much larger than 6 years. When I was 21 I was in college, drinking 5-6 nights a week, etc. I'm 27 now, and I'm married, have a career as an attorney, own a house, and am getting ready to have a baby. It's a big 6 years for most people. And texting/ answering phone calls when he's on dates with you? Big no no. How old are you ? What do you want out of a relationship ?
Hello890 Hello890 7 years
Hanging out with friends once a week is fine. Maybe you should take that time to hang out with your friends or do other activities by yourself, that you enjoy. He shouldn't be calling his friends and texting them when he's on a date with you; that's just rude. He can always get back to them when your date is over. You should let him know that this behavior is not okay. It IS kind of weird that he's hanging out with wild 21 year olds, when he's 27, but as long as he doesn't start acting like them and as long as he's not being influenced by them, then I guess it's okay.
McRiguez McRiguez 7 years
I actually went through the exact same thing. My ex and I were together for 5 years. At first, it was fine because we were all on the same page (young, drinking, not a care...) but then as the years went on, their pages didn't change and I got frustrated. I could see the struggle my ex was going through. I never quite felt his priorities shift, and I just didn't want to admit to myself that I didn't like his friends. They're good people, but most of them alcoholics. And I just couldn't wrap my brain around fitting in with them. I always felt like the odd man out. And yes, I had a few of my friends, but most of my close friends moved away. Needless to say, we broke up (not just because of that) but as I look back, I am just so happy I don't have to deal and be around people that I just can't get comfortable around. I'm just saying, you're not alone in the feeling. As for what you should do, well, re-assess it all. If you're at a different place than your boyfriend is, then there is no way you can force him to be what you want him to be, or who you "think" he can be. I tried...I failed and I and him were both miserable because of it.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 7 years
Maybe you need to give him time to hang out with his friends on his own, even if it's just once a week. You can spend that time out with the girls and avoid your boyfriend's jerky friends.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 7 years
first - how old are YOU? if you're closer in age to him, I can understand the confusion about why he wants to hang out with people "less mature" than he (though, based on his behavior, he seems to be at the same maturity level which should be a red flag to you if that is a big deal, and clearly it is) second - don't you have any of your own friends? or do you just hang out with your boyfriend? that's an issue for me in this scenario...
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