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I Don't Want an Arranged Marriage

"I Don't Want to Have an Arranged Marriage"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I'm a 23-year-old girl from a Sikh family where all girls in the house are traditionally married off through arranged marriage. I have been told to go and see a boy tomorrow, as my father's friend has insisted we go. I begged and pleaded to my mom that I do not want to go, as I don't believe in arranged marriages and I don't want my life as my sisters', but she didn't want to hear me and refused me to tell the boy no, as the family's "image" will get spoiled. I'm scared. I don't want to get married to some unknown man. I agreed we are just going to see the boy, but I don't want them to say yes. I'm still studying. I don't want this, and my sisters are too far to even help me. I'm so scared and I have no one to listen to me. I have no hope . . . I don't want this . . . please help.

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betty111 betty111 5 years
my mouth is filled with laughter because of the help Dr.Okaka place on me my ex boyfriend just come back to me after dumping me for my close friend,his spell opened his eyes to see how much i loved him,thanks for your spell that you did for me.if you are in my same situation you can reach him at thank you i will never forget you. Betty
19643-single-girl-age8 19643-single-girl-age8 5 years
i love dating!
19643-single-girl-age8 19643-single-girl-age8 5 years
oh well just see this man if you like him say yes and do not be scared you should be more scared if you had to ask him out! and me i am only 8!
stfualready stfualready 5 years
I really need to unsubscribe from this post. I'm so sick of the same problem over and over again. You have the tools to take control of your life. Now get to it. "But my mommmy..." "but my daddy" "and blah blah and I feel so bad for wanting to be myself..." goddammit.
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
heya..i dont know how to start,,but i feel that i cant like my dad anymore..after he wanted my mom and i to go 'wherever' we want and he want and he wanted us 2 leave him alone,,i dont know,,,i just dont have feelings for him...i dont wish ill of him,,,but i hate seeing him...i dont like seeing him,sitting with him in the same room...i used to see in movies people with daddy issues,,,i never thought i would feel the same way..he said he would sell all his property and go away..i dont want his property or anything,,yes i would want my sisters to have it,,,but now i want hurts but i cant stay happily with my dad..
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Surpreet, are you sure you're in love with this older man? or does he just seem like a more comfortable option than the guy your parents have arranged for you to marry? Building a relationship can't be rushed because there's an impending forced wedding. you have a couple of issues here that need to be dealt with separately. 1) you're living with your family, yes? If you want to make your own decisions, you need to be standing on your own two feet. Work on getting a job that can allow you to support yourself and possibly even allow you to continue your education. Find your own apartment/home, pay your own bills, and your parents can't force you to do anything. 2) you need to talk to your parents seriously about your relationship going forward. If you want them to respect you as an adult, you need to tell them that you are no longer going to do exactly what they want - you have other goals/priorities for your life and are going to work toward those on your own. Do not expect their blessing. Expect them to try and dissuade you, guilt you, shame you, etc. You have to be strong and not listen to the manipulative words and behaviors. 3) you're "dating" a married man with children. You are the "other woman" that he is cheating on his wife with. What kind of assurance do you have that he will not repeat this process later on with someone else - that is, how do you know he isn't going to cheat on you? How do you know you're the only other woman in his life? What does it say about a man that he has no qualms cheating with a much younger, vulnerable woman in secret while still with his wife and children in public. What does it say about him that he wraps his life in lies and deception? Sorry, I understand people falling out of love with each other and getting divorces, however, cheating in secret is an entirely separate issue. If he truly respected and loved you, he would not date you until he was single and his wife was aware that he no longer loves her, nor does he wish to uphold his vows to her any longer. 4) you should never be making life-long commitments and life-altering decisions in a rush. if you don't have the time to consider things in a healthy manner because of the impending wedding, stop the wedding. Refuse to marry and force them to cancel or postpone. Do not allow others to manipulate you into a decision or commitment you do not wish to make or commit to.
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
heya surpreet,,running away isnt a good option as if it was i would have run away myself long time ago..and there is nothing wrong in loving someone and you seem to be so much into this other man...yes he is married and he has told you that he wants to leave his wife and kid for you..but will he..he has to leave them first to prove to you that he loves you..if he keeps extending it he was never into may go to him..and id=f he doesnt leave his wife...than??yes people talk..everyone will talk,,,but are you sure what you want,,,are you prepared to also to also takecare of his kids..he has rights on them also so he will be seeing them if he is with have to be sure on what you want,,and that man should make his decision asap..give him a week to decide and see what next
Surpreet Surpreet 5 years
Hi i am 24 years girl from sikh family from india.i love some body who is already married and having 2 kids.he is 37 and is well setlled.he really loves me and he wants to give divorce to her wife and we want to live together for the whole life.we cant live without each other.i am engaged and my marriage is also fixed.i have bo time to think about all this now.plz help me wht should i do.i am very much worried about my family and even his family.Plz help me i worried about they will react??my family will die if i run with him and if i tell them they will never be agree..plz suggest something
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
samgreen suddenly my mom doesnt want me to continue with my masters...she said that i should wait than "we'll see" i myself am unsure on how to help you but you can say that youve already applied and you cant go back now and therefore you have to go to continue your schooling,,,my father yesterday got mad at me and told me that he wishes to die and that he will sell his property and go away and me and my mom should find some ways to takecare of ourselves,,,he said im his worst daughter and he doesnt care what i do anymore in my life..he also told my mom and i to leave him..and morning my mom told me i shouldnt do my masters...i didnt tel her anything,,i didnt know what to..
samgreen samgreen 5 years
i am a grad studentin frst year of college...and due to a little shortage of attendence...i got a repeat semester..i returned home for the summer vactions(in another city) and now my family isn'nt allowing me to go back to college....i have well paying partime job in the city where my college is...and i want to go back and re-join it..and in 3months i can attend college again...but i dont know how to tell my family of my intention to they are aginst the idea of relinquishing control over me...i am 19 and i want to have the freedom to live my life the way i want to!...also,when the found out at home about the re-sem....the blamed me for it...and they are thoroughly convinced that my friends and the city have been a bad influence on me which isnot true at all...i wish that they could be supportive but so far all ive faced is physical and mental abuse...i would greatly appreciate advice on the matter..
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
my dad just told me that i shouldn't be showering at night, cause thats when i do,,,,he said i should do it early morning,,,he never had issues about my bathing...what i eat,,,he has issues,,and now he keeps talking about other peoples kids getting married when im siting with them,,,i mean give me a break,,,:(
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
some missionaries came to our place in search for a room for rent so they sat and talked with us for a while..they were really nice people...and they really appreciate life cause they said they've seen alot of poverty..than they asked me what my plans were so i said i want to stay in my town and dont want to go to the states where my sisters are...they were happy for me,,,but my dad wasnt..he started giving me looks and now isnt talking to me,,,,he thinks ive done some crime by saying mom and him were to go to the city for some relatives funeral prayers..and i was to stay back home...but he said he doesnt trust me and is forcing me to go with them..i cant get out of the house or shift as yet as i dont have anywhere to go...its terrible,.,,yes i cant sit and cry and whine,,,but i feel so terrible sometimes that i dont want to live,,,yes thinking of death is a sin..and its not the only option to ran away from life issues,,,but i feel afraid...i want them to let me be happy...but my dad simply is annoyed at me all the time,,,shouts at all and is just mean,,than my mom starts crying and her her sugar goes high...this emotional blackmail is too much,,,i dont want to ran away...i dont want issues anymore,,,
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
i had completed my graduate education in educational psychology. im 23 now and will turn 24 in January. My dad thinks that this age im an old person and no one will marry me. he just wants me to sit at home and learn from my mom to be a housewife,, my friend just got engaged today, so my dads gotten more paranoid..just stares at me,,makes faces and keeps asking what my plans are for the future since he wants me to stay home,,, that's why i want to do my masters and study ahead,,my boyfriend and his family encourage me all the time, it just my family that's laid back.and my mom hasn't told him that i want to study ahead..i know i may need my fathers support in finance, but if not i do need to seek other ways to support myself. Yes my sisters too, try to dominate me and blame me for whatever health issues come to my parents,,but i need to be a little selfish for myself. My mom thinks that i want her and my dad to die,,but i dont...i just want space i want to be free..
harjiharj harjiharj 5 years
sorry if my essay is all over the place - sitting at work typing this so thoughts are jumbled
harjiharj harjiharj 5 years
hi i came across this, researching the most random thing for Sikhi. Just want to start by saying, I'm sorry you're going through all that you are. Secondly, (and i apologize in advance for not reading all posts by other people than the person in this difficult situation), I am not sure if this has been said, but my take is, that you shouldn't leave / move out of home. at least not yet. The reasons behind this, are - you want to leave (as you said) legally (marriage) and the right way - that will ultimately be the biggest victory for you and your family. I can't emphasize enough how saddening it is that you live with such old generation parents - i know the reason behind their thinking, but explaining it will not help. I really DO think though if by hook or by crook, you should get his mother to visit your house and ask for your hand in marriage. At the end of the day - it is your choice - and if (God forbid) it doesn't work out, then you have nobody else to blame. that is something you can try to explain to them... the longer you leave it will cause one of two events, 1. they will get okay with time or 2. they will get increasingly annoyed. obviously you don't want number 2. but the sooner you put the idea into their heads that someone is willing to marry you, (you don't have to speak them them - just get a third party to speak) the more time they will have to get used to it... if you leave it 6 months getting them thinking something is going on and THEN bring him into the pic, then there'll be another uproar and another 6 months of pain. the longer this runs, the more ill sad and depressed people in your family are going to get. From a guys point of view, I wouldn't do it - im 31 and live in London, but I would never want my gf to run away from home - unless it was a last resort. your folks are (and i pray to you NEVER repeat this, else they'll use it against you) being childish and ziddi. it's not fair, but life isn't fair - take it from someone who has lost both his mother and father in the past 4 years, there is NOTHING more comforting than the hand of your father on your head and the warmth and love of a mother. they just are too used to having their own way. speak to them, if you haven't, about your bf. or somehow get them to come round and ask for your hand... also (for his sake) warn them that this could end negatively.... if and when they do come to ask for your hand - its NOT necessary for them to inform your folks that you two are seeing each other. it can be that his mum has seen you, spoke to his son and just wanted to ask for your hand. it can be as simple as that... hope i cause no offence to anyone disagreeing with me - but from a mans point of view, it will deeply affect your father if you move out.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
You are younger than I had thought, lifesoul.....I had thought that you were talking about graduating from secondary education, rather than primary education, so I understand now, your determination to continue. First, let me say that I think you're very mature for 18, and I understand better now, that resisting your families pushing has been difficult. So I'm doubly glad that your boyfriend and his mom are with you and supportive... depend on them. What I want to ask is if you have a plan of action if your father refuses to pay for your continuing education? The two of you seem to have this dynamic....he pushes you to do what he wants you to do, and you insist on this dynamic something that you can depend on continuing? I think you have some great goals, but they are dependent on your father's continuing to pay for your education......and that is something that can fall through. So, need to keep on looking for alternatives, for work, for your personal financial independence. I know this must be very frustrating, to have me repeat and repeat. It's a very tough spot to be in....depending on someone whose goals and wishes are different, very different from your own.....depending on someone who doesn't support your goals. Ultimately, in life, the first person we must depend on is ourself. That's the basis for everything we do in life....self reliance. We all need help at some point, and being able to reach out and ask for it is also important....but first, is always ourselves. You're facing a generational gap, and you're one of the generation that wants to break tradition. That's always, always a hard place to be. All you can do is your best.....stand your ground, believe in yourself. You've already completed your primary education....wonderful! You've completed a goal. And now you're facing a new start, the next step in your life, and it's even harder that finishing that first goal, and taking that step requires you to fight tradition, to fight with other people's expectations and their lack of support. You are never going to be able, as Bi says, to force your parents to be the people you want them to give you the emotional support you want from them. That is a hard thing to accept. Our parents, our family are who they can ask for support, but if they refuse it, there is little you can do, except what you are already doing....standing for yourself, and find your support system in another place. And Bi is also so very right....that support system is not going to take the place of what you don't have....nothing will do that. But accepting that what is, is, and moving within the reality of a situation instead of always hoping it were different, is a key to success. Instead of wanting what you can't have, learn to want what you can have. Can you have more education? If your father pays for it...yes. If you pay for it....yes. If there is any possibility of scholarship...yes. If there is any possibility of grant monies....yes. Have you considered applying to foreign universities for help? Sending in applications for scholarship or grant? Being accepted on a school visa would take you out of the unhelpful sphere of your parents non support. has your boyfriend considered the same? There are many people from Africa who have gone abroad to study, who have then brought their educations home to give back to their communities, to help the next generation to do what you are wanting to do. Consider that. You're on can look for online applications, and for online advice for how to do this. Well, I'm repeating a lot of what Bi has said....just wanted to encourage you to think about broadening your search to beyond your own countries boundaries. take care lifesoul
BiWife BiWife 5 years
something that I am working with my therapist on is very similar to something you should be looking into. I would like my father to support me as I am: a bisexual woman who isn't going to change into a straight woman because he thinks it's an abomination to simply *be* gay. However, I cannot necessarily expect him to be able to fulfill that need. So I have to find something else to find my validation/support in. You want to get away from the abusive family, but don't want to hurt their feelings and want them to support you in your ventures that they disagree with. You can't necessarily expect them to be able to fulfill that need, so you need to start looking for other places/people/practices to make up for their lack of support. It's wonderful that your boyfriend is supportive, but he isn't going to be able to make up for lacking the support of your entire family. I have been struggling with my husband because I have been trying to get him to make up for the lack of support, understanding, and real love that I was experiencing with my family. As much as he wants to give me everything, he simply cannot be the replacement for numerous people that I have been very close to and heavily invested in while I was growing up. It's unreasonable to expect that sort of thing. As a compromise, I've asked him to give me more words of affirmation (I love you, You are a strong woman, You are courageous, We will get through this together, You can do this) and work on assuring that I get to spend 1 hour of quality time with him each day (he works two jobs, so his schedule is very tight and occasionally I go a few days without seeing him for more than 15-20 minutes/day). This way, it's a well-defined and reasonable expectation for him to show me additional support in a consistent way. Meanwhile, I am working on finding internal and external things to boost my feelings of support and validation. So far I don't have a whole lot there, but I'm working on building my self-esteem on the issue of my sexual identity and being a fully open/honest person when it comes to the people that I want to be close with. To that end, I'm writing my mother a letter explaining my feelings and asking for her support to tell my father (I anticipate that she will be far more welcoming/accepting, as she's been in therapy for many years and my father had a stroke a few years ago that has changed how he processes unexpected/unanticipated/disappointing things). I don't expect (or ask) them to change their religious beliefs, I just need them to not say certain anti-gay stuff that they are prone to saying - not just because I feel for LGBT's, but because it hits me at a personal level. Since I am an adult and living on my own, I am prepared to let them disown me if they cannot stomach having a bisexual daughter who doesn't repent of her homosexuality. I have spent the last few weeks grieving the loss of the relationship that I wish I could have with them. I have spent even more time preparing/bracing for virulently homophobic backlash (mean words, phone calls, random unannounced visits/interventions, emails, facebook messages, etc). Really to be able to take it, I have to have a larger support structure than I currently have. For me, a big part of the issue has been never going to a church of my faith that is accepting/inclusive of gays/lesbians/etc. I miss the support I used to get from my 'church family' and I really think that a good (new) church family could help me deal with the loss of blood relatives in a way that doesn't become bitter against G-d but promotes healthy healing. You're still living at home, so going to the length that I am is probably not right for you at this time. Still, I think that defining a reasonable amount of support that you can expect from your boyfriend and his family will help them from feeling like emotional punching bags or that "nothing is ever enough" for you. Sit down with them and talk about the kind of support that you need and what they are reasonably able to provide. Then work on finding other ways to fulfill the needs that your current support structure are not able to. Reach out to your local faith community, if applicable. Reach out to educators in the field (or similar fields) that you want to pursue, they can help you figure out a way to continue your education (scholarships, grants, work study, internships). Keep working on building your core self-esteem and personal strength, as much as people around you want to help you in this situation, it's still up to you to walk through that door. As much as my husband would love to help me come out to my family, I have to be the one to talk to them, begin the dialogue, and make things happen. It's all about us and our choices going forward as autonomous adults.
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
i wan to pursue my education further, i want to work and get recognized for what i do, i have done education psychology, and in Kenya special needs kids aren't recognized or well taken care of, i want to change that.. yes i want to marry my boyfriend and he too wants me to work after marriage and succeed in all.. yes 18 is an adult...i dont know why im scared to let go or change,,,im just afraid that my sisters wont support me or let me talk to their kids and my parents will want to harm themselves,,,ontop of it i stay in a small town,,and news spreads real fast,, its always, "but", "what if", "if" "and than", in my head,,,im not able to get out of the small world..i realy do want to..i want to make a difference in a childs life, i want to read more, gain knowledge..
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Maintaining that positive outlook is vey, very tough when you're in an unhappy family situation. I get that. The real answer is for you to get into another living situation. I hear you telling us that your culture is very different than mine, and that the choices we suggest are not so easy to come by. The thing is, I don't see other choices. You are determined to continue with your education. And congratulations, by the way, on your degree! A wonderful accomplishment. What I'm wondering is where will your education take you? Do you have a plan for a career attached to your education? The purpose of education is to take you to some place to where you can use it. There is nothing wrong with education for it's own sake, or even for the sake of taking you out of your parents home and away from the tension. But if you are always coming back to that home and that tension, and if you do not have some plan for the use of your education, then this is a temporary fix..... I know you want to marry your boyfriend. I'm glad that they're "always by your side". That's a great benefit. And one that will, eventually take you out of your parents home. Do you have plans for a career after your marriage? Your father's preventing you from driving is obviously one of his ways to control your life and choices. How much opportunity do you have to circumvent his prevention? You speak of "not being allowed". That's difficult for me, because in my culture, a young woman of your age is a legal adult, and can make her own choices, and accept her own consequences. So it can be hard to give advice that works within a more restrictive culture. Your ultimate goal must be to get out of your parents house. To be independent. I think all of the choices you make, no matter how difficult, need to be made with that goal in mind if you want to achieve any other goal. The question is, what can you do to achieve that? What can you do to get out of your parents home? You tell us the answer instead of asking us. What can you do to get out of your parents home?
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
my mom and dad, my friendand her daughter went to another town yesterday for my was meant to be a good event but yesterday when we reached, we went to find a we found 1 and I didn't like I told my mom that I didn't like she started shouting that I'm the reason of all problems at I told her 2 stop acting that she started crying in public, later I gave her juice 2 drink she refused 2 drink n threw it on the floor..she shouted at me again in public teling me how I am..and I'm disrespectful and that I want my parents dead and all...and said I'm bad ..than I want quiet.. my boyfriend was in the same town for he passed by the mall where we parents didn't say anything..but now we home they 2 quiet and acting strange.. I don't want more issues.ive tried being positive but it so hard now..and I don't know what they thinking,,im paranoid i dont know...i just am afraid that my dad will again start looking for a boy for me...ive told my mom im still going ahead for my masters and she hasnt told my dad as yet...he expects me to sit at home now but i wont,,,and i dont know what they are thinking,,,its scary
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
my boyfriend and his whole family are extremely nice. they know all about us and are very supportive. my boyfriend is also working 2 jobs now so he can earn more for us in future.he is very supportive and is always by my side. his mom also talks often to me about the future. kenya isnt that modern,,maybe some families yes in the capital cities, i live in a town, and my family is over reserved. my dad doesn't even want me to learn how to drive since he doesn't trust a girl driving. i can look out for more jobs maybe outside my town but i don't know if il be allowed, since my dad also has issues with me studying, my boyfriends family also think its ok to work and also are nice but to prove it to by family is so hard, cause however nice they are, they arent afraid that my sister will come and brainwash my parents against my boyfriend or will emotionally try to something to herself. she has done that before and as usual im blamed for it. She isnt so well usually and so if anything goes wrong to be made to feel guilty,,thats what i dont want..i want her to meet my boyfriend,,,talk to him see how he is...but i dont kniw if she will be willing..
henna-red henna-red 5 years
It is hard to stand up to bullying. It is hard to stand up to all of these people who are not thinking about you, or what you want.....I think it was said much earlier in your thread, that the ultimate answer for you is independence. There isn't much that is more important than education, because of the opportunities that it offers....but if you need to sacrifice some time on education to find more full time work that would enable you to move away from your give you some distance that would make it harder for them to pressure you....then I would really suggest looking for that kind of option. Providing for yourself, and not having to depend on family for financial support is going to enable you to withstand their pressure, their bullying. And if you're not getting emotional support, loving support for your goals and dreams, then that distance can provide you with more relief than distress. There aren't any easy answere for you lifesoul. I wish there were. It just seems to be choices between what's hard and harder....And you're not talking much about your boyfriend and his mom, it even possible for you to be married without your parents participation? What I've read is that the cities in your country are a little more westernized and the women not under so much of the traditional rules......resumes.....job job search and interviews......
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Lifesoul, This is so sad, I'm sorry you're living in these conditions. You're being pretty heroic right now, and so is your Group Therapy support system! I wasn't following this thread before, what a great group of people! The amount of manipulation through guilt and fear you're experiencing from your family is just disgusting. It's the antithesis of love. Are you interested in marrying your boyfriend? Where is he in all of this? Have you two talked about the future? Would he be able to protect you from your family? Could he support you? Does he respect you? Can you imagine him being your whole family? I want to make sure your 'hero' actually deserves the honor you're giving him. Could you explain what you're afraid your sister could do? That would help us help you.
YS1 YS1 5 years
i have a problem which is there is girl i love her so much but she is a muslim and im christian and also we live in diffrent countries which is arab counties i really dont know how can we be togethere . we thought that she can escape and go out from her country but she cant do that its so hard we think that we can go to the united states and meet there and get merry but how thats also hard how can she go to united states .
lifesoul lifesoul 5 years
my sister is coming next month, she is coming to visit, but she is also coming to deal with my "issue" and try and tell me not to be with my boyfriend anymore. She barely talks to me on the phone but ive heard my mom and her talking of it, im scared of her coming. yes im old enough and yes i will stand up for myself and also i dont want the same issues over and over again..she is coming for 3 weeks but already its really freaking me..i dont kn;ow what she is capable of really scared..what can i do
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