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I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough

"Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm going to warn you now, that this may end up being a rant.

OK, My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and I've been living with him for several months, instead of having sex or doing sexual things with me, he waits till I walk out of the room, take a shower, or go to sleep, and then watches porn.  And sometimes bookmarks it, and everything he watches has girls that are prettier and skinnier then I am.  I'm big, like fat, (5'4" and 145 lbs) but I've lost a lot of weight for him, like 30 lbs, and I still weigh more than him,(5'8" 134 lbs) but about 10 pounds compared to 40 or so, and he likes skinny girls, he plays with my fat all of the time, and tells me I don't need to change, but then bitches when I say okay, I won't. Even though I really plan on changing, I just want to see if he's still going to bitch about me saying no.  He also doesn't like my boobs, or my vag, he says he wishes I was skinny, and had perky boobs, and I guess a bony vag so he can break his hips and my hips when he humps me.  My boobs were all the way up to a DD when I was at my fattest, and with that and losing so much weight, they do sag.  Not bad, but a little, he also talks shit about my teeth, hair, and nipples.

He gets mad at me super easily, and I'm pretty sure when he's mad, is when the truth comes out, he's talked to other girls before, like while we have been dating.  But not the way he talks to me, or anything that could be considered cheating, but when I confront him about being sneaky, he says it's nothing, that I'm just paranoid, but when I say I know it isn't that, he yells at me and says it's because he found someone he likes to talk to more than me, he also calls me a fatass and a whore everytime he gets mad at me.  And, I'm pretty sure this is all because I bought a car from a dude I dated, for like a week, years before I met my new bf.  So I asked him to quit talking to the girl, he says okay, and doesn't.  So finally months later I asked him to delete her number, and he did.  But since then things haven't been the same, he doesn't ever hold me anymore, or kiss me.  We still have sex, but that's all.  I honestly don't feel like I'm good enough.


On another note, sometimes when he's being really sweet, he said on a scale from 1-10, I'm a 9, and my weight is the only bad thing, so I really just don't get it.  If I am good enough, why would someone act like that??

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
Saecilia Saecilia 5 years
You need to break up with this guy now. He is making you unhealthy and making you feel bad about yourself. Congrats on losing the weight, but your motivation should not be him. I would never stay with a guy who says those things about me. I really feel the reason why he doesn't just go and find some other prettier girl that he talks about all the time, is because anyone who knows him will think he is a jerk. You are the only one who will stay with him. Break up with him now. You are waaay better than him.
knl knl 5 years
It's not you, it's him. I'm 6'0" and 135 pounds, but I've gained a couple since I met my current boyfriend and he plays with my fat too. I know he's just joking around but sometimes I wonder if there's something else behind it... and I'm the "skinny girl". He's not subtle about checking out other girls either. I know all guys look and I appreciate the honestly of him doing it in front of me, but it's hard not to let the insecurity get to you. Remember that there's a reason he's with you in the first place, but what you describe does sound like abuse and as everyone else here has suggested, you should seriously consider your options.
boughtthetshirt boughtthetshirt 5 years
Honey, you are in an abusive relationship. NOTHING that you can do will ever fix the issues he's having, because they're not really about you. I can't say this strongly enough, GET OUT NOW!! He will not get better with time, he will get worse. I speak from experience. The behaviour that he's exhibiting toward you is classic, he's trying to make himself feel better by making you feel worse, and the effect on your self-esteem will be devastating. There is nothing wrong with you, but you are allowing him to make you feel like there is. If your best friend wrote this letter, what advice would you give her? Has he started to denigrate your friends? Complain that he doesn't like it when you hang out with a certain girlfriend? Most abusers will try to systematically remove your support system, so that you are totally dependent on him for all your confidence.  I really recommend that you seek the support of a counsellor, if you can. Your self-esteem has already taken a huge hit if you feel that 5'4" & 145 lbs makes you fat, please get out before the abuse escalates. Good luck, and remember that you are worthy of love, no matter what your physical appearance is. Love is about who you are as a person, and you have to love yourself first.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
This guy doesn't care about you.  Get out now.  This sounds all to familiar to me and verbal abuse often leads to more.  Any guy who loves you will not say these things to you.
qtina qtina 5 years
 @RoaringSilence I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE! You are being abused. Even if you don't see bruises, it's hurting you. You don't need this person in your life. 
Christina2528423 Christina2528423 5 years
Get out now. He clearly has issues he is taking out on you, and you can't believe he will change someday, because he won't. I am also 5'4, and my fiancé thought I was hot when my weight cropped up to 160. He then barely noticed a difference when I lost weight (to be fair, my basic shape stays the same), and I did it to be healthier, not for him. You deserve go find someone who loves you unconditionally too. Oh, and I've been with a guy with a porn addition, and I gave him unreasonable expectations of how real women look and how they act in bed. He needs fixing, but it's not your job-he needs to do it himself. Walk away.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
I just thought of another thing. If he's already complaining about your body now, do you think it will get better as you get older? He seems like the kind of person who'll leave you for a 20 year old when you're 40. Go find someone who enjoys spending time with you. That will never go away!
jessimaca jessimaca 5 years
 @RoaringSilence This is such an excellent response. I couldn't have said it better.  
Silje Silje 5 years
Completely agreeing with the two others here. Why are you even with this guy? Please dump him, it will only do you good. 
charfield charfield 5 years
I tend to favor bluntness: You are beautiful the way you are. You deserve better. Leave him!
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
Damn girl. Please look up verbal abuse online and see if that sounds anything like your relationship. Feel free to share that with him too. If he says anything like "you're too sensitive".... get the hell out. You said your weight is the only problem, but it doesn't sound like there's a lot of affection in general. Please consider what life would be like without him. I have a feeling you'd do just fine on your own, and eventually you'll find a guy who appreciates you, doesn't put you down and has all the nice things about your boyfriend and more. Staying with this one is not the only option. Can you imagine yourself getting married to him and having kids? Will he be nasty to your kids, just like he is to you? You're not the one who has to change her weight, he's the one who has to change his attitude. Don't be too forgiving, you'll regret it later. I wish you lots of strength, whichever way you choose!
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Leave him now. He is a horrible person, and he is treating you horribly. This will never change. He will never wake up one day and decide to start treating you with respect and decency. He will never treat you the way you want to be treated. He will always disappoint you and hurt you, and your self-esteem will be destroyed. So, leave now before all this damage is done.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Say good-bye to this guy. There is certainly someone better for you than he is. Respect yourself and know that you are worth more than just mutual masturbation. Get a guy who respects you and loves you for you, not what he can get from you.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Here's the real question: what can you do to respect yourself?
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
#1 Dump him and get your self esteem back. The fact is most guys don't like skinny. You're not having sex almost daily with-in the first year? It will only get worse.
danizzle danizzle 5 years
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS LOSER?! im sorry to be harsh, but what you are saying he says to you is emotional ABUSE! like raynne said, the disrespect is freaking DISGUSTING! even when i fight with my boyfriend we never disrespect each other with insults. thats very low. you need to get out of this abusive relationship before it gets worse. goodluck
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
He sounds like a douche, and you need to move on. No one that loves you, truly loves you, would EVER say those things to you, even when angry. I get mad, my boyfriend gets mad, and we NEVER resort to insults or say hurtful things.
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