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I Hate My Mother

Group Therapy: I Hate My Mother

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

People always tell me off for saying this but it's true I really hate my mother. Every time I see her I feel angry and physically sick. She HATES the fact I'm doing something with my life and makes every attempt to ruin anything.

Last month she kicked me out of home, which is fine by me but she doesn't stop. She threw my electric toothbrush in the bin, tried to force me to drop out of college, withheld my exam timetable, and even stole my comb (I know how pathetic these things sound).


She had her first kid (me) at 26 and prior to that hadn't done anything with her life — she claims to have moved out at 18 and had done A-levels but in actual fact she moved in with her sister and did NOT do A-levels like she claims. She's thick and, to make herself look smarter, tries to keep everyone else dumb. I'm the first on her side of the family to apply to university and she's doing her utmost hardest to ruin me.

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kingmandingojpn1 kingmandingojpn1 5 years
my mom drank herself 2 death. but i love her.
kingmandingojpn1 kingmandingojpn1 5 years
if u hate ur mother, u hate ur self, simple as that. who bought u n2 this world. who feed u, when u could not, fed 4 ur self, u selfish. forgive her, no matter what she did. u only have one mom.
Brlracr08 Brlracr08 5 years
Hey girl, let me start off by saying I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mom is a worthless waste of space. She is like 50 and can't hold a job...never has. she lies, cheats, and steals just so she can get attention. She is constantly blaming me for everything and refuses to accept that she has done anything wrong in the past. I'm not going to go into detail, but let's just say that her actions have caused me to suffer with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I strive to be perfect so that maybe I could be good enough for her and everyone else, and maybe, just maybe, myself. It never worked. I constantly seeked a reason for why she is the way she is..why she couldn't EVER say I'm sorry,..why she blamed her own daughter, as well as the rest of the family for her unhappiness. I had finally found my answer: narcissism. I'm sorry I had to write all this, but I needed it to get my point across. My mom sounds identical to yours. I hate her and wish death upon her each and everyday. But having an answer as to why she acts like this is helping me to cope with her actions and move past my illnesses. Look it up: narcissism personality disorder. I hope that it will help you as it as helped me. Good WILL get through this.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
As many of teh above, I'm in the same boat with my mom. No one is perfect, and although mothers tend to think that once they have kids they ARE indeed perfect; they aren't. But they'll never admit that, and I think that's part of being in a mother-daughter relationship. I hate my mom and I can say it with such passion, that my friends sometimes question what my mom does to me. (Which is nothing compared to what's already been said.) My culture has always been taught to respect our elders, and that's a huge thing for me. I'm an outgoing socialite, but when I'm with my mom...I'm as passive as a nervous porcupine in a balloon room. For posters who said throwing out toothbrushes and combs wasn't a big thing: when you're angry, it's huge. Possessions are power, and my mom did similar to me when I wouldn't listen. She'd take my stereo, my mirrors, whatever she could get her hands on. As long as she was taking physical things from me, she was also taking my power. When your possessions are taken from you, you feel weaker, like you're really losing something big, despite the real size of some stupid object. Best thing to do would be to not let it show that what she's doing is affecting you. Sure, it might only encourage her do it more, but you have to be bigger than that, and remember that you have so much more going on for you. Where I'm from, 16 is the legal age to do as you wish; you're technically not tied to anyone anymore unless you want to be. You're 18. If you think you're ready, then get yourself out of there. If not, suck it up a little longer until you're REALLY ready. I'm doing the same (And I'm not 18, I'm a little older.) so I can definitely meet you on the other side. :)
missnacho missnacho 6 years
I am so sorry for your situation. I've gone through the same thing with my mother. But I think it also has to do a bit with your age. Although you are legally an adult, you are still in a way a teenager and it isn't uncommon for you not to get along with her at this age. I know this must sound cliche, and you probably don't want to hear it, but with time you will come to appreciate your mother. If you feel she is sabotaging your future, I would suggest getting yourself emancipated that way you cut your ties from her legally and become a full blown adult. Do what you have to do to get ahead in life, but remember that no matter how much harm your mother has done, she is still your mother and you should not wish for any harm to be inflicted upon her. Good luck. :)
brunat-24 brunat-24 6 years
Sorry about your pain, im going through the same situation with my mom, my dad is 73yrs old and he gets sick most of the times but my mum don't care about him, she don't cook for him all she does is buy cooked food yet they live next to farmers markets which got cheap health food.She yells at him yet he is in pain, and she always interrupts his doctor's appointments. last week she did the same for his surgery and took him to some Local herbalist,She hates all my sisters(girls) she only likes my brothers and they got no educ. It hurts me because i work and stay out of the states and my sisters live in 3 different states too, except my brothers who are like her stay with them. We've a feeling that she and my brothers are after my father's property. She has brainwashed my dad, he only listens to her not anyone else, i have talked to my dad's family but when they leave its the same story!! i hate my mum and I've wished for her all the unspeakable things to happen to her, because she is evil even to her sisters. she raised us as christian but she don't even go to church, she changed she don't believe in God no more.. this makes me cry everyday she is so mean to us (girls) all she wants is money. But like they say what goes around comes around that's the only thing i can say to my mum.
debo66buster debo66buster 6 years
I know exactly how you feel, My Mum is now 73 and I am 45 and I just have anger for her, she is everything I detest in people. I do think though she may have mental health issues which she will never (especially not at 73 ) deal with. If I brought it up she would go spare. She has ruined lots of family events and is an attention seeker, even if she hurts everyone else. I do think though you need to distance yourself from her- you are brilliant and achieving so much -DONT LET HER RUIN IT FOR YOU'! -look at her and be the total opposite of her and everything she does. It's not what happens to you in life, it's how you deal with it. Every time she does something awful, do something great for yourself. Surround yourself with fun/happy people and strive to make your life better in spite of her bitterness. Be chuffed with the fact it sounds like you aren't going to end up like her! My Mother brings everything round to her, If you told her you will ill, she'd have a worse illness, if I tell her I feel depressed she says I have everything and should feel lucky. It's immaturity and attention seeking on her part. When I was a kid and she would tuck me into bed she used to ask me how much do I love her? I don't have children, but if I did I would be telling them how much I love them. Good luck with everything- I think you have your head screwed on and will do well. Get away from her and look forward to a great career life- you can do it without her hampering your every move. Make it a game in your head (it will be difficult) whatever she does don't react-walk away. Take care! Debra
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 6 years
I have a love/hate relationship with my mother as well. She's emotionally immature. I don't even want to tell her anything because any problem I have somehow becomes her problem and takes the attention from me. I'm sick of it too. So I understand that hating your mom part and most people with great moms won't get it.
ChattyChic ChattyChic 6 years
Wow, reminds me of Esmie Tseng. The perfect girl that snapped one day and murdered her mother. Good news is- you have choices in life. When able, get outta there and make something of yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you!
trinitycc trinitycc 6 years
I'm sorry for your pain. You will be nothing like that woman because you are reaching out for help and moving on with your life. One thing, the stupid stuff she did, throw away your comb, toothbrush, etc. was to get a reaction out of you. I know it made you angry, but in the future if you have to be around her, don't react, it might be the hardest thing of all to do, but just look at her like the crazy, bitter person she is. It's hard for people to have an argument when no one else is talking to them. They end up yelling by themselves and it works wonders! As long as she doesn't physically touch you, just look at her as you would view a chained rabid dog. Good luck, you will make it!
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
Wow, that sounds horrible. I hope you have the opportunity to remove yourself from that situation. Live with a friend or find a roommate, or anything. She'll always be your mother, but it sounds like you need to keep a very cool distance from her. Surround yourself with caring friends and possibly other family members and try to be the bigger person at all times. You likely won't be able to change her in any way, so accept that she is a very sad person and don't let her pull you down. Like I said, limit all contact with her as much as you can and don't dwell on the things she does. You'll be a happier person.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Its good that she kicked you out of the house if things were that bad between the two of you. Count that as a blessing and hopefully you'll find some sanity. Now that you'll live on your own, and focus on school, it will be the best thing possible to happen, whether its whats you expected to happen or not. A lot of young people like you expect that you'll be best friends with your parents forever and that they'll be great role models but that isn't always the case. Even though I was Ok with my parents, I still left home to go to college and live on my own at 17. Did I look back? No I didn't. I pushed on and lived my own life, because I wanted that. Its hard to understand your situation completely but the best thing for you has already happened. You got out of the house, and you'll get an education that will propel you further in your life than apparently your mother ever did for herself. At some point you'll be able to give you mom just a little respect when you have something better to think about other than tooth brushes. I am concerned that she would sabotage your school schedule. There should be enough pass codes and privacy issues that would take care of that situation.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I agree with LittleMZFit. The best thing you can do is stay away from your mom. Keep going to college because that will give you a lot of opportunities. If you can't afford to pay for college, apply for financial aid and get a part-time job. Your mom seems like an awful woman, and it will be better for you to do what makes you happy. Where is your dad in this equation? Is he a support?
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 6 years
It doesn't sound like she's being very encouraging or supportive for you. I'm so sorry to hear that! As children, we look to our parents as ideal role models; unfortunately, she's not being a very good one. You need to break away from her for a while & live your life, pursue your dreams, & become the woman you want to be. You really don't have a choice if she's sucking the life out of you. It's painful, but it's what you have to do in order to make a life for yourself. Don't hate her, just dislike the behavior. Eventually, you'll have to find it in your heart to try to understand & forgive her. For now, focus on your goals & best wishes!!!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
If she's kicked you out, I assume that means you are no longer living there? If you are still living there, I'd move out. If you dislike her this much, maybe it would be wise not to have a relationship with her for awhile. Would not having a relationship with your mother negatively affect your other family relations that you do not want to damage?
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I would go to therapy so you learn how to not make your mom's mistakes or take on her attitude. Also, try to see your mom for what she is-not how she acts. She sounds like she's a very sad individual, who shows her pain by being mean to others. Have pity on her, but do not allow her to bring her down. Surround yourself with positive people, and keep contact with your mom minimal until you can learn to deal with her. If your mom says something evil to you, just say, "You know, I feel really bad for you Mom. You might be the saddest creature I've ever met." Then grab your crap and get out. Kill the demon with kindness. Hate only begets more hate- as you can see from your dealings with your mom. She acts hatefully towards you and you act hatefully in return. Stop her in her tracts by refusing to participate. Rally kind relatives and friends around you and be determined to rise above the haters!
pureperfection pureperfection 6 years
hon, if i were you, move to the college dorm or something, dont live with her anymore.
GregS GregS 6 years
You need a zen moment. Time to decompress, and release all that negativity. Since you're out of the house now, don't go back. She's in your past, and you need to work on your future self. Electric toothbrushes and combs are really irrelevant when you sit and think about it a minute. So what? That's not worth obsessing over. You need to take control over your life. She actually did you a favor by hiding the exam schedule. Why was she getting it and not you? It's YOUR exams, not hers. I don't know the British higher ed system, and I hear it's going to change, but I'd go into the financial aid office (or whatever your equivalent is where you are), and discuss some of your situation; that you're on your own and having to pay for college yourself. They don't need to know all the other except to say that your parents are not helping you out. I do commend you though for trying to make something of yourself. That's terrific and shows a level of maturity your mother apparently lacks. Keep that maturity level. Don't get into a pi$$ing contest with her. She'll just end up dragging you down you her level. You're better than that.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I agree with Helen. Please try not to hold on to your anger and resentment as well, if you do, you'll end up resentful and so unhappy like her. And since you're a uni student, please do what I did, seek out counseling at the student health center, they'll point you at the right direction. I dealt with anger and resentment toward my mom too around your age (but now that I'm in my 30s and I'm also a mother, I understand her better, I even forgave her mistakes as well as I acknowledged some mistakes I've made that I never thought would hurt her that much too :)) I sincerely hope that you will get over his anger and hurt and be able to forgive. It's a much better place to be. Btw, since you think they're toxic, I'd suggest lots of time and space from them meanwhile (not a problem it seems from your post). Find a safe place to stay, somewhere you can concentrate on your study first and foremost. Good luck.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Seems to me your mom's biggest problem is that she blames others for her unhappiness. If you avoid doing that yourself, you'll be okay. And you'll never be anything like her.
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
I don't "hate" my mother, but I'm not her number one fan either. She physically abused me as a kid, and she has been emotionally abusive my whole life. She never went to college either, nor did she graduate high school. She doesn't make much money at her job, but she gets $700 a month just handed to her. $325 from me for rent (since I'm still living with her), and $300 some from one of her friends who helps support her. It makes me sick. I can't even go to college because I can't afford it. I've been working full time since I graduated high school to pay for my car and pay her. If she had let me pay even half of that, I would have had plenty of money saved by now for schooling. She doesn't care about my future either.
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