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"I Just Got Separated: Should I Stay Hopeful or Move On?"

"I Just Got Separated: Should I Stay Hopeful or Move On?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My partner and I separated recently, and it has been very hard on both us and the kids. Things were simply getting out of hand; too much verbal and emotional abuse on both ends. We were together four years and I was very happy and in love at the beginning, but once I began working things started to go downhill.

We were engaged to be married, but since things were not going as well as planned, I decided to give him back the ring. Between stress, work, and money troubles, we just had too many problems. When I wanted to have sex (usually at night because the kids were asleep), he would reject me, and when he wanted to have sex (usually in the mornings when I needed to get ready for work), I simply wasn't up to it. In short, I am a very independent woman and I do not like being controlled.


I had to leave my apartment to get myself and the kids out of that toxic situation. I still feel so alone and confused, but I am definitely relieved. Since we do share one child together, (2 yr old) we must keep in touch and come to an agreement on custody. Right now, he has him twice a week and every other weekend, in addition to giving me $70 a week to help support him.
One huge problem I have with him right now is that I don't want him to smoke pot when he's around his son. Honestly, I had no idea it was such a large problem until now. I knew he smoked, but I thought maybe once the baby was born, he could give that up. Clearly, I was wrong. I don't want to keep him from his son, but I really don't like that fact that he has to be under the influence with his child. Is that wrong?

I am hopeful that maybe time is what we need to appreciate each other more and maybe we will be able to get back together sometime in the future. Although it may sound ridiculous, I did love him - I was just exhausted of all the arguments. I feel so tired, damaged, and jaded. I need therapy, but it's just too expensive.
Any feedback from you readers would be greatly appreciated.

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bargainhunt bargainhunt 5 years
I suggest you visit BPDFamily message board for Leavers (people leaving the relationship with someone with BPD). You will get a lot of self help to move on. If you read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and find that your ex did have BPD Traits or whole disorder, do not think that he will CHANGE. Relationship should not based on expectation of a Change.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Hi there. You have some great advice above you. You'll be fine. You did the right thing. Drug abuse is evidence that your ex is unfit to be awarded child custody or visitation rights. The best interests of the child are substantially hurt when a parent abuses drugs.If your ex has a history of drug use, you can agree to include drug testing in the custody or visitation agreement. You do need an agreement, in writing. For example, you may agree that your ex take and pass a drug test before any scheduled visit by the children. A failed test may result in a lost visit. Additionally, you can agree that a certain number of failed tests will result in loss of custody or visitation rights. Getting a lawyer to help you out with that problem is cheap. After my divorce I got a lawyer and he was less than my T-mobile bill at the end of the year. I met him for a half hour, explained any problems and then he took action. It was $250 here or $300 there so he could continue to work with me. I didn't have a lot but I made it a priority to sort things out with my ex and custody of my son. So should you. Take your ex's money he gives you if you need to, and file a motion to make him submit to a drug test. The law and the lawyers and the courts will be all over him like a ton of bricks. Good luck with the start to a better life and don't for once second guess yourself over leaving bad situation. If it were me I'd be making calls to the police to arrest him in his home and catch him in the act if he did that to my son.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I would fight for SOLE custody if the father of my child was stoned when he had him. No way is he fit to care for a child while under the influence of ANY kinds of drugs.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Ach, separation is always tough. Hang in there. Someone mentioned 211 as a good phone number to call to find resources if you're serious about getting therapy/mental help. When you guys were together, did he smoke pot in front of your kid and you let him, now do you expect him to change his behavior willingly? I think that, if you guys were relaxed about that type of behavior (him smoking pot around the kids when you're together and/or you guys having drinks when kids were at home, etc) after a break up/separation, it'll be unlikely he'll change willingly when requested by you. Of course you can request it of him, with the same promise that you will not smoke pot and/or drink alcohol around your children. Request this respectfully, as neutrally as you can (no threat), tell him you don't care if he smokes during his free time, but when your kid's around, you'd rather him not do it and give your reasons. You've been around him longer, you know how he acts when he's high etc, so you can give him examples why you think it's not good for him to smoke around his kid, perhaps he's not as alert, or whatever. And it is illegal (unless you own a medical marijuana card or a licensed grower), perhaps you can convince him that you don't want him to be put in compromising position getting caught with position by the authority while your kid is around, which will force your hand to take action he may not like (sole custody, supervised visitation, etc). Start with those first. Hopefully he will agree to it without much force (involving authority and such). Or ask him at least to have the grandparents to help out esp. when he's been smoking, and feeling too 'high.' (again, never ever took drugs or smoked drugs so I have no idea how it feels like). Good luck, breaking up is always hard, I hope you guys can work things out as co-parents. If things bring you back together in the future, then so be it, but focus on the now and on the healing.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
No it's not wrong that you don't want your kids' dad to be stoned when your kid is with him. You want your kid to be safe, and impaired judgement doesn't keep him safe. You need to speak out about this. the system will back you up with this. Also, helping out with 70$ a week tells me that you are the responsible parent. His "helping out" is called parenting, and child support and he is legaly bound to do that. this kid is his kid too, and he is legaly responsible to provide support, it's not helping. I would seriously suggest getting some legal advice about child support. Start looking for info online. This isn't helping, it's mandatory. It takes more than time to fix problems. It takes an intentional effort, and if he doesn't understand that he needs to change his behavior and choose to make that effort then this situation isn't going to improve. I'd say you're feeling of relief, from being out of the atmosphere of abuse, is very telling. No one needs to live thier lives under such a cloud. You could trying looking into a free clinic in your area to see what kind of social services are available in your area, what kind of counseling. Clinics frequently have a social worker attached who can direct you to help. Help for victims of abuse, emotional/mental health is just as important as physical health, it's all connected. Or call 211, the resource bank to see what they say. Houses of faith may also have resources available, even if you aren't a member or intereste in joining. Jewish community centers.....Large hospitals, (in my area it's the cleveland clinic) frequently have outreach programs, and services available to local people who are uninsured or underinsured, but don't advertise these services. If the health care center is large enough, then they are bound, usually through tax abatement, to provide some return to the community. You have to go looking for these services. Plenty of people who work full time are un or under insured and need help. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. This country has the resources to provide it's people with appropriate health care and it's shameful that there are so many doing without. Hope is never ridiculous. Just keep your hope in the right place. Keep it in yourself, and hope for him if you are telling him the right things. Let him know that his abuse, his control issues, his pot smoking are deal breakers, as a partner and as a father. You have the right to do that. Then it's up to him to make a choice. Expecting him to step up as a responsible parent is more than hopeful. But you have to let him know what is acceptable and the system can help you with that. You may not want to involve the system, but if he continues smoking pot when he has his kid, then you may need to. I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you find the help you need, and that your man gets a clue. There's nothing wrong with hoping, so long as you're acting responsibly for yourself and for your kids. Be reassured, your expectations are completly reasonable, and right. You've obviously taken a good deal of crap to need reasurring about this. Abuse over a long period of time wears you down, and makes you doubt yourself. You are doing the right thing to take yourself and your kids out of this situation, and expecting your guy to be responsible around his kid is completely right. Take good care, and feel better. You've taken a step in a healthy direction. Healing doesn't happen when you're still trying to survive an impossible situation, but stepping out of it is the first step toward healing. Good for you that you've taken it.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
I'm sorry for your situation, but im glad you're taking steps to a better future. Unfortunately I don't have much advice, never being in a situation like that. I just wanted to comment on the pot issue. First of all its illegal! That's reason enough to not do it in front of your kid. Second, how the hell is he going to be responsible when hes high?! How can he watch him, take care of him, keep him safe? Your child's safety is in danger because of his illegal habit. If I were you id go to the court to get full custody until he quits, but that's my opinion. I'm very anti drug and I think hes endangering your child's safety. Also if you're thinking of getting back with him you need to think honestly about the relationship. Remember why you left, is it something that can be worked on? Human behaviour is hard to change, if hes abusive he'll probably always be like that. You mention the abuse came from both sides, maybe you have issues you need to address. What causes the fights/abuse? Take it one day at a time, clear your head and decide if you want to try again, but it sounds like you're happier away from him. Eventually it will get better.
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