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I Moved To Madrid And We're Still Not Married

I Moved To Madrid And We're Still Not Married

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. Out of these five we've only been physically together for one, and the rest of the time we were long distance. I moved to Madrid to be with him and we've always talked about getting married.

Now that I'm here, he seems to be backing down a bit and I'm getting mixed messages. Granted, he recently lost his job and I'm about to change mine, so we aren't exactly on stable ground. But I really want to be married and have a family soon. I'm turning 30 in a month and I'm starting to feel old.

How do I know he's just worried about his career change and not insecure about our relationship? Could it be that I'm pushing too hard for us to get married? How can I relax and stop worrying about the big 30 and not having created a family yet. Desperate to Marry Mary

To see DEARSUGAR'S answer

Dear Desperate to Marry Mary
It's a new era now. 30 is the new 25 and no one is rushing to settle down as quickly as the old days. All you can really do is ask your boyfriend what he wants from a relationship and if he's considered marriage and a family with you.

Listen hard to the clues. If he's telling you that he wants the same things - but asking you to be patient with him, then you are going to have to trust him. If he's got 101 excuses about why he's not ready, then maybe you guys are on different pages and he's not the one.

Stressing about not having kids yet isn't going to get you anywhere. You've got to figure things out with him first. You don't want to be pregnant in Spain, unmarried and thinking that you might want to leave him! It's time for you to talk to him about a plan. Give him a time line that seems reasonable (not one month) for an engagement and see what he has to say.

If he doesn't come through, then you should think about leaving him and moving onto someone who's going to take you seriously. He's got to live up to his side of the bargain. Packing up and moving to Europe isn't like moving around the corner.

lucy_roboticus lucy_roboticus 11 years
Well, I feel like I should weigh in on this, as I moved to Germany last year for my boyfriend. It sounds like your boyfriend is stressed now - losing a job really hurts a person's ego, maybe even more so for a man. Don't pressure him now. It sounds sage to wait until he's snagged another job or at least gotten some interviews. But the fact of the matter is, you moved there when he had a job and he still didn't talk marriage. When I came to Germany, my boyfriend didn't have a job, but within 3 months we were engaged and within 8 months we were married. After being with him for 5 years, he should know if he wants to settle down with you or not. You made a huge sacrifice for him - sure, Madrid must be wonderful, but you gave up your home, your friends, your family, all to start a new life there with him. And now he's balking at marriage? You really need to have a talk with him about what the future holds for the two of you. In the end, losing a job isn't going to change a man's mind over whether he wants to marry a woman or not. Be patient and wait until the work situation looks better for him. But be prepared for the unfortunate possibility that he's changed his mind. Not to sound rude, because I've dealt with long distance relationships too - it's so dramatic and exciting, being apart for so long, waiting for the next meeting. Now that you are actually together, maybe he misses some excitement or starts to see you as a real person, with flaws too, and not the "dream girl" long distance relationships invariably create. Anyway, this is just speculation, but from a person that understands what you are going through.
e.b e.b 11 years
You've been dating this guy for five years right? If you can't be open and honest with him now you probably never will be and he's probably not the "one"....My advice is to be open. Ask him where he sees you two going and what he wants. Don't get pushy or turn into psycho lady, but just be honest. Tell him you've been thinking a lot lately and that you made this huge commitment to the relationship by moving to Madrid and you want to make sure he is on the same wavelength. To be honest with you, you probably should have had this conversation before you moved. What's done is done though. So make the best of it. Be patient with him, understanding and open. POP is SO right. 30 is the new 25. There is no rush. When you do get married and start your family, you want it to be right. So don't force it. Good Luck!
DeaconP DeaconP 11 years
i would hold off on the wedding talks until you both are settled at new jobs. im sure he is just stressed out if he just lost his job - and the last thing he needs is more stress. i say wait it out - but dont wait TOO long
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