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I Snooped Through My Boyfriend's Texts

"I Snooped Through His Texts, and He's Furious"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

Clearly I have trust problems. I'm more than ready to admit this. I've been with this guy for eight years. We live together. Our story is really messed up — I feel like I have to warn you.

One time I broke my cell phone, and he lent me his old cell phone to use for the time being, until I bought a new one. I took some pictures on it, and while uploading my pictures onto my computer, I found older pictures on it of him and some other girl in a bar. He is standing straight and taking the picture, but she is leaning into him, with her face on his shoulder and her head pressed to his cheek. Since this was completely an accident and he was right there, I got very upset, and he said that he chatted up the girl just to prove to his guy friends that he could and showed them the picture to prove it. I've always been jealous and insecure and suspicious and I feel like this made it even worse.


Fast-forward, I snoop because I feel like he's hiding things and being dishonest, while he says he's hiding things because I would just freak out and not trust him about it. We've had a talk where I apologized for my lack of trust and asked him for help by always telling me everything regarding other women, and I'll try my best to not get jealous and freak out about it. He agreed but did not tell me anything, and we just fell back into the same thing.

I keep snooping and eventually find texts on his phone with a phone number he has saved but with no name. The girl talks to him about her life, says she wishes he would clean her apartment for her and that she loves to hear from him and it makes her smile. I confront him with it, and he gets furious, saying I have no respect for his privacy, and that there's nothing going on, and that I should call the girl to find out for myself.

I do call the girl, but from her end, it seems like they've been texting back and forth for years and that some things have happened in the past, but she is not clear on it. She says that talking about the memories brings back pain and that she "had been young — it was a mistake." However, she also lies to me and says they haven't talked since god knows when, when I just saw their texts that day. They met in a place we used to live, and he never introduced me to her or talked about her. I never even knew about her until now, two years later, after we've moved away for two years.

After our fight over these texts, he goes to the extreme and disconnects his phone, saying that is the only way he can give both he and I peace of mind. I guess I just want to hear random people on the Internet tell me that I'm really crazy and this all needs to stop.

My friends say different things. Some say that if I trusted him I wouldn't snoop, and some say that if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't mind my snooping. I don't know what I think now. It's all a jumble of hurt and confusion.

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likethedirection likethedirection 4 years
Sounds like you have a reason not to trust him if you're finding things like that.  I've gone through the same thing...suspicions, snooping, finding stuff, getting into arguments about it, promises made, etc.    We broke up over his texts to another girl and I told him if he wanted us to work he'd have to be completely open with everything.  From then on he didn't get weird when his phone rang, he didn't silence his phone when he walked in my apt, he didn't click out of his email when I walked in the room....he had stopped any relations with the other girl and therefore had nothing to hide.   We're married and have been together 7 years now.  Fact is, if he has nothing to hide, he won't mind AS MUCH when you snoop.  But no one likes their privacy invaded even if they're not doing anything wrong.  It's his job to make you feel comfortable enough where you don't have to snoop.  If he does his part and you're still not able to trust him, it's probably time to move on.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 4 years
I agree with Henna Red 100%. You have to work on your insecurities. Trust is essential for a relationship to work, and being with a person who doesn't trust you makes life too difficult and harder for the relationship. I too agree that you need to go see a therapist to deal with your issues. I'm not saying that you're a nut case or anything like that, but I do think that you're issues are being contra productive for your relationship and for you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I tend to agree with your friends, all of them. Your lack of trust is coming from your personal insecurity....and that's why you snoop. That isn't a problem he can fix, and is a problem you should address with therapy. I believe in personal privacy, even within my relationships. And if a partner made a habit of going into my phone or email, checking up on me, I'd lose that partners. At the same time, I can't think of a thing a partner would find that I would expect could damage a relationship....unless that partner was looking evidence of past relationships.....something I don't talk all that much about. In your case, there is an extreme reaction here, and I can't tell, with all of the jumbled emotional reporting from you whether this other woman is a nut case, or if you are. Because I think there are big pieces of story missing here, which make it impossible for me to get a clear flavor of what might be happening. Your tone tells me you want listeners here to be suspicious along with you. His chucking the phone could do that. But if his chucking his phone is in reaction to years worth of suspicion from you....... I usually find these "I snooped" issues pretty one side or the other....personal insecurities vs. a changed behavior pattern in a partner leading to suspicion. I hear both here.....but the only one talking is you, and I don't trust your reporting of the issue....specificaly because of your issues. I suggest you get yourself to a therapist to deal with your long term issues. Get yourself some perspective, some healthy perspective coming from a confident, secure self esteem. I don't know what to tell you about your guys' stuff......I don't know what I think.....
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