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I Want a Baby and Now My Husband Says He Doesn't Want Children!

Group Therapy: I Want a Baby and Now My Husband Says He Doesn't Want Children!

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and have been together for 5 years. When we first got together and really got serious, I informed him how important it was to me that I have children one day. At this time, he said "We will buy a house first and then have children." With that said I was okay with this. Over the last year I have expressed my feelings about wanting to start a family since I am going to be 27 this year. My husband was previously married and had a daughter with his first wife. She was born with Down Syndrome but is a bright and loving 7 year old. I love her like she is my own and have no reason not to. My husband doesn't show much interest in her unless I say that we are keeping her for the weekend or whenever. This really hurts me and I know it also hurts her.

I have seriously considered leaving my husband if he will not agree to having children with me. Every time I bring the subject up he gets really angry and asks me why do I always have to talk about it. I have told him that this is important to me. His response is that he has given me everything that I have asked for but this is not what he wants.


Please, someone help me! I feel like I am all alone and really have no one to talk to about this!

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MahBoi26 MahBoi26 5 years
Honestly, if you're THAT adamant about having kids, then he doesn't deserve to be around someone who could possibly ruin his life. I don't get's so wonderful when people who claim to not want children suddenly want them all of a sudden. But when someone who has claimed to want children before decides they don't want any, it's the most horrible thing in the world. Everyone is against this guy, and I don't get it. He's perfectly within his right to not want any kids. And it does sound like you only married him to breed. I'm sorry, but it really sounds that way to me. You say you love him so much, but apparently not enough. I'm sorry, but I'm on the husband's side on this one.
mrskondak mrskondak 5 years
i can feel for every woman on here. my husband and i agreed we were going to have children before we were married even also agreed on how many and names. when we got married we decided to be married a year first just to enjoy each other. we have been married almost 2 years now and i recently told him i wanted to start trying for our first baby. well that didnt go well. he told me he changed his mind and feels he is too selfish for a child right now. il be 30 in a year. i really wanted to at least be pregnant before i turned 30. we tried to negotiate and he now wants to wait til i am 35. i feel like i have waited long enough. i gave him a choice to either move forward with me and start building our family together or annul the marriage. i know there is a slim chance i will meet someone that i love as much as my husband, but if can be selfish why cant i?
wantingtoo wantingtoo 5 years
Its so funny that I read this. I have been with my now husband for 5 years as well. He had a vasectemy and has 3 strays of his own. He is aslo an older man. I am his 2nd wife and his first left hom because he wanted the vacetemy and she doen't have any kids. what ever i am gonna file for Divorce...ain't nothing else here. We can't even have a fuckin conversation
KaseyP KaseyP 7 years
It's 1:30 in the morning and calling my mother is out of the question right now, so I found this site and 'here goes..... My husband and I married almost three years ago. He was perfect; gentle, kind and sweet, bought me a beautiful new home with 5 bedrooms, you name it and he has made things happen! He was not fond, however, of the fact that I lacked a college education, which made me feel terrible and inferior, so with much coaxing on his part, I left my job as a flight attendant and I've been in college for the past two years. It is important for me to contribute to the family income, so that not all the burden falls on him, and there are no free rides in life- his words, not mine. Before tying the knot, we discussed having children in depth and he agreed with me that it would make our life together complete. Again, his words, not mine! I was elated because he felt as strongly as I had about having children, but I am going to be 39 this year and he knows that the probability of having a healthy baby with no defects swiftly declines for a woman approaching forty, not tomention the fact that I have been to hormonal specialists that feel that I will not be able to conceive much longer, so my husband said we could always adopt. But here's the catch, we can't adopt until I finish school with degree in hand. Okay, I have been working through this stipulation and I feel I'm being a real trooper about all of this, but, if he catches me looking at adoption websites or inquiring about children or corresponding with adoption agencies to ask pertinent questions about the adoption process, he comes back at me stating that I am "obsessing about all of this kid stuff"!! He's caught me looking at the websites twice in 2 is that considered obsessive?!! So, I confronted him and stated that " I don't really think you even want to have children!" He now states that he wants a child of his own before exploring the adoption route. I believe this is his way of waiting until my biological clock runs out and I still have 2 years of college to go! I'll almost be 42 and he knows what the doctors have said about fertility! He won't even look into freezing my eggs! If he wanted our own biological child then why wouldn't he explore options into making this happen? It's not enough that I've maintained a 3.8 GPA, that I am going into a field that he pre-selected for me,because common sense-wise, jobs will be abundant for me, that I maintain this home and he doesn't even mow the lawn (I do!!! He won't let me hire a gardener!), and I feel like cheap labor! I resent my husband for his idea of what the "perfect life" is and will be! We fight at least once a week and I actually look forward to him going away on business, so I can relax and do things without him looking over my shoulder all of the time! Am I being too insensative? I just want some good, solid feedback whether it be in his defense or mine, because, if I am at fault, I need to hear it from someone other than him. My husband has a lot of admirable qualities and I love him very much, but I need to read between the lines and acknowledge what I see in front of me if he is just leading me down a path he has no intentions of walking down with me! I apologize for this being such a long post. -KaseyP
MudFlap MudFlap 7 years
which do you value more.... a life alone with this guy..... or a new life with either a new guy + kid ...... or a new life w/ kids and possibly no dad in the picture?? that's the choice, right??. ......unless you can change your husband's mind (won't happen) best of luck --- hang in there
hondashonda hondashonda 7 years
Your husband is scared! Men run when they get scared so stop hounding him or you are going to loose him. You dont want to have to train another! Give it some more time if you have to your still young! Freeze your eggs and be prepared but dont worry all your dreams will come true! God always answers prayers just not when we want him too
Raynne413 Raynne413 7 years
That's the worst advice I've ever read. ^^^ You should NEVER trick someone into becoming a parent. That is a life-long responsibility.
hondashonda hondashonda 7 years
Whats the problem dont you have the ability to just stop taking birthcontrol and get pregnet. You should just get pregent and if he can look into the eyes of his new born child and say he doesnt want it then you dont want him anymore. The love of my life is my daughter and being a mom is the only thing I am good at. So dont let anyone stop you from having what you want. Wear the pants for once and demand no birthcontrol or he can talk to your lawyer. It is grounds for divorce! If you make sex all hot and dirty they dont care if you have intentions for a child. They cant think I'm making a life here. They want a dirty little wife behind closed doors! Keep trying new sexual things and keep the heat turned way up and you will get your child! LOL and have fun doing it.....
Thornysong Thornysong 7 years
First ,Never have children with a man who doesn't want to be a father. That is a recipe for disaster. Mainly for the children. Second I am the mother of a child with Down syndrome. I never had another child after he was born. Too risky. I have told my daughter that if she ever has a test that shows a risk for this to terminate. This is no picnic. It is serious work. Everyone struggles and suffers even under the best circumstances. Don't kid yourself. If he's gun shy, I know why. Let him go and find a man who wants kids. You'll never be happy otherwise. Eventually one of you will harbor enough resentment to leave. Better now than later, while you are still young.
shanniannr3 shanniannr3 7 years
i feel like ur post is my autobiography. my husband said he wanted to have children before we got married, we even picked out names. we got married, then he wanted to wait until we got our own place, then a house. now that i have waited and done what he wanted he now doesnt want children. it has even made me depressed. it blames it on $, even thou we are well off. he blames it on the meds im taking, even thou the doctor said he would just change it to safe meds. i dont know what to do. i have always wanted children and have already grown to resent his choice.
lotuslight lotuslight 7 years
I know these things feel complicated when you are in them, but it comes down to this: 1) I think you need to accept that your husband does not want a child 2) If you don't have a child, will you always regret it? 3) If he doesn't want one, and you would always regret not having one, you need to move on and make your dreams come true. I think this is the case because you wouldn't want to always regret it. Not having a child when you really want one is a huge, bad thing. It would erode your relationship. And you only have one life to live. Live it, and get what you need out of it. There are people out there that want the same thing you do. Good luck!
aprilmayjune1 aprilmayjune1 7 years
Not everyone can choose what their child will be like when they come into the world. Maybe your husband feels inadequate because his first chance at fatherhood brought a child with down syndrome into the world. He might have a hard time accepting and coping with that reality. If he is hesitant why push him into a corner where the only other option is to run. He needs to face and accept being a father to a child with down syndrome before he can think about having more.
lanwa lanwa 7 years
I too married "the Representative" and thought that was the actual model I was buying. Several years later he too changed his mind, but didn't want to have that conversation. Years after that I told him that I thought we should go our seperate ways before I resented him for killing my dream, or he resented me for forcing him to be something he no longer wanted. We now have 6 year old who is challenging, and I'm a "single married" Mom. He'll deal with her and he loves her, but his needs will always come first. Always have. He stopped having sex with me almost as soon as I got pregnant, made me ask the first 2years for any affection, then just gave up. I haven't been kissed in years! People who are cruel are just that. He is showing you who he really is. The question is do you believe him? Or are you in denial like I was? I brought a child into this mess of a marriage, and now regret Both! Get out while you can before your self esteem has eroded away completely. I can't even afford the divorce b/c I've been at home with the kid.... I may end up taking her to a shelter to get away and show her what a "healthy" relationship can look like...good luck!
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 7 years
So sorry!!! I understand your pain. I really don't have any advice, though. You have to do what's right for you. It's an extremely painful decision, but it has to be made. You have to be happy with whatever you choose.
luisamapacha luisamapacha 7 years
I want you too Google "choice moms" and go to that website. It's full of women who wasted their fertile years on men who didn't want children. Now they are single, older, and having to pay lots of money to get pregnant using a sperm donor. If you want kids and your husband doesn't, that's a dealbreaker.
purpletcat1 purpletcat1 7 years
I have read most of the comments and have to say. I am in a similar situation but I've been married for 12 years now. It's really hard to say to walk away or you should have discussed this before. I loved my husband and I just kept on thinking that he will, he will, say ok I'm ready now. I can't say I nagged him as much as maybe I should have but I blame a lot of this on myself now as I should have done something sooner. I'm now 38 and realize that my time is almost up. I mean thank goodness women are having children into their 40's now but I am a firm believer that Things happen for a reason. I'm prepared to be a single mother now. It is more important to me to have a child as a single mother than to go through life childless. I had a wonderful wonderful childhood and am excited about having a child. I am just filled with such hurt and anger now towards my husband that anything he says makes me so frustrated. Even now I know I have to get a divorce and move on but I'm having a hard time with that. I just don't know what to do?
weffie weffie 7 years
I would start by talking to his ex to see if you can have his daughter over at your place more, for longer visits. Not only will it give him a chance to better bond with her (and maybe even awaken some paternal instincts) but you will also feel less left-out among your friends who have kids because you'll have a more active role as a mother. His little girl is really lucky to have you in her life... I'd definitely put emphasis on nurturing that relationship as much as possible and showing him first-hand how fun and rewarding parenting can be, because that lesson obviously escaped him the first time around.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 7 years
I know where you are coming from to an extent. My husband did not want children and I did. We ended up negotiating and I now have a beautiful daughter whom I absolutely adore. The problem is that I often feel like a single parent. Since I am the one who wanted a child, he expects me to do most of the work and I feel guilty if I ask for his help. I love my daughter and have no regrets, but it is exhausting and as much as I would like to give her a sibling I know I could not handle a second child essentially by myself on top of a fulltime job and other responsibilities. My point in telling you this is that even if your husband eventually gives in and gives you a child, you may need to be prepared to do all the work yourself. This is a very lonely endeavor and can end up making your marriage feel more like a roommate situation than a husband-wife partnership. Based on your husband's track record with his current daughter, you also need to be prepared to cope with the psychological repercussions--for both you and the child--of him not being fully involved or interested in your child. If you want to raise your child in a loving environment with two involved parents, you may not be able to have that with this man even if he were to give you a child. You can communicate all you want, but you cannot force him to want something he doesn't want even if he ends up giving in. Giving him an ultimatum won't change how he feels either. If you choose to stay with him, you may have to give up your vision of the future. I am not an adovocate for divorce, and I definitely think that counseling is a good idea because there are some deep-rooted problems here. I think you both need to do some real soul-searching about your priorities. It's too late now to worry about what you should have talked about before you got married, you need counseling to work out the issues with where you are now, including the respect issue.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
Actually, I read in one of the responses from the OP (read post no.5), that the hubby doesn't even want to go through the test to find out if he's a carrier of the gene of DS. "...He said 'I just don't want children.'..."
bchicgrl bchicgrl 7 years
I agree, you did the right thing and discussed the topic before marriage. It is wrong of him to either lie to you about his intentions then or decide now to change his mind without talking it over with you like adults. I understand he may be scared because of his first kid having Down's but as others have said there is genetic testing that can be done, if he is a carrier then you guys can always adopt. Since this is obviously a big deal breaker for you I would give him an ultimatum, try and have/adopt kids or get divorced. He needs to realize how selfish he is being towards you.
medenginer medenginer 7 years
I couldn't imagine my life without my children. I am currently engaged after being divorced but I couldn't be with a man who wasn't a good father to his children or mine. I would feel deceived if I got to that point in a relationship and for him to change his outlook. Your both long overdue for a discussion on this topic and if he can't meet your needs than it's time to re-evaluate this relationship.
louistong louistong 7 years
you all are obviously on different wavelengths, GET OUT while you can. He is not worth it.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
This is a deal breaker. If you always wanted to be a mom, and raise your children with your husband, then your current husband is NOT your type. You want a family man. Your husband is NOT a family man. Incidentally, as some posters here may know, my husband and I decided we don't want children. In fact, I never wanted to have children (even when I was dating). I always made sure to let any interested man know that, in case he may be considering a future with me. I would say,"If you're would like a mother for your children, I am NOT your type. This womb is closed!" :)
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
IMO this is what matters "When we first got together and really got serious, I informed him how important it was to me that I have children one day." He made an oath to you that that day will come and he went back on that oath. Also given his seeming tepid response to his own daughter and lack of paternal enthusiasm there this should be a strong warning sign that this is not the man that was promised to you. In this case I really don't think it matters why but what does matter is that you need to live your life for your happiness and to that end do what you need to do to achieve that happiness.
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