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I Want To Leave My Abusive Husband

Dear Sugar
I got married in January and found out recently that we're expecting a baby. The bad news is that my husband is violent. He didn't show signs of violence before the wedding, but on our honeymoon he went drunk-crazy at the hotel and broke things which we ended up having to pay for. A few weeks later he actually hit me - hard. Both times he blamed it on alcohol so he stopped drinking. He hasn't hit me since then (I am guessing because I am pregnant) but he smashes things and screams at me constantly. Last night he got angry and threw his soda all over me. After I showered and cleaned up the mess I asked him to leave. I told him I'd had enough. He wouldn't leave and apologized repeatedly. I don't know what to do - he's hurt me and because of it, I don't love him the same way anymore...But, I'm pregnant. I think I should leave him but I'm not strong enough. I'm really confused. Desperate Housewife

Dear Desperate Housewife
I am so sorry. I think you should demand that he enter an anger management program and that he seek psychiatric assistance. You are going to be linked to this man forever because of your child, but can you handle living with him forever? It sounds like you want a better life and you feel like you should leave. I am not going to tell you what to do, but I will say that abusive men don't change for the better, they only get worse. The longer you are with an abuser, the more destructive he becomes and the harder it is to extricate yourself from the situation. You will only go through cycles of fighting followed by loving treatments - this is called traumatic bonding. Having a child with him will not stop him from abusing you and will only make your life in your house more stressful since you will worry about how his behavior will affect the child. Once you have kids, leaving only gets harder. You will be more dependent on him and if you threaten to leave he will most likely threaten you for custody. He will scare you into staying. Now that you've seen the early warning signs of abuse, my advice is not to wait and see what happens, but to act sooner than later.

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