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I Want to Be More Than Sex Buddies

"I'm Thinking of Disappearing on Him!"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I was with this guy for over six years. There were many points in the relationship when he was unsure if he didn't want to be with me or if he wanted just a casual fling. It took me a lot of courage to set boundaries and stand up for what I wanted in a relationship. I grew up in an abusive household and therapy is what brought me to this point.

He has come to the whole "I don't want you anymore" point again and this time, I have had it. I want to be with a man who wants to be with me and doesn't have hang-ups about things. I told him this and he said that I do deserve better and has been pursing me for sex ever since.


He calls and texts and shows up unannounced to my apt door to pursue this sexual relationship. I don't want it and he just isn't giving up. I have tried to tell him why but it's as if he doesn't listen to me. He just doesn't want to listen to what I want or what I need out of a relationship. He just wants to have me as this sex buddy and that's all.

I have been contemplating on disappearing on him. Blocking him from my phone, e-mail, Facebook, everything. I'm scared because I have never done this type of thing before but I know the more I talk, the more he doesn't listen and it just seems like a whole waste of time.

So do I just disappear or do I give him a Dear John letter and then disappear? I don't know what to do!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Join The Conversation
lamarun lamarun 4 years
This sounds like a scary situation. He definitely has control issues, and I, for one, would be afraid that he reaches his limit in getting rejected and not being able to dictate the terms of the relationship as he has in the past. He seems to be incredibly insecure. Honestly, if he doesn't listen to your objections to him showing up at your door, I don't see you cutting off communication as the answer. That just may make him angry and even more belligerent that he cannot control you. It doesn't sound like you plan on moving, and he can continue to show up. I would start documenting his appearances and communication and build up enough evidence for a restraining order. That may scare him off. Or, I would look into seeking some advice from a domestic violence shelter. Though it's not the same situation, they have experience with mediating similar situations.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
You even having to ask the question when you're being treated so poorly makes me think you need a lot more therapy. It says a lot you've gotten this far, don't stop. When you're grossed out by someone who treats you this way and they get no more access to you -- without hesitation -- then you have become your own best friend.
simplyroses simplyroses 4 years
Write the Dear John letter and clearly state that you want him to stop calling, texting, and showing up at your place to harass you for sex. You also need to start documenting all these incidences so that if you need a restraining order you can get one. Stand your ground! You can do this. You deserve better.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Yes, disappear. No letter, no call, no text, no nothing. You've already given him his walking papers, and now it's time to reinforce them. If this guy keeps showing up at your place when he's been told he's unwelcome, then he's stalking you. That's stalking. And in that instance I suggest a restraining order. Call the police, and report it, explain the situation, and let them talk to him. This guy needs to hear from an authority figure that he's way over the line. And he's WAY over the line! I hope you realize that yourself. It's not ok for your ex to show up at your place asking for sex when he's been told to stay away. Be safe here, girl. His refusal to accept your new status as unavailable to him, is worrisome for me. You need to make sure that your signals are blatant, are loud and strong...."stay the F away from me." "Period. Stay away." And then do something about it if he doesn't. Be very clear, very sure and back up what you've said. And if you need help with that, reach out to family, to friends, for emotional support, and for physical support if you feel you need it. Have someone stay with you for a while. And again, if the idjit keeps showing up at your place, call the cops. take care girl
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 4 years
I don't think he would be really interested in reading your letter to be honest. Just block him everywhere and if you keep ignoring him, he should get the picture. Best thing you'll ever do for yourself and your own self esteem. I say do it as well!.
bluejay17 bluejay17 4 years
Do it! Don't leave anything as a note or anything, just dissappear. But, be ready. He may do a lot of things he's doing right now but harder and he may get pushier. Be SURE that this is what you want, and be ready to stop answering him. If you leave a note he might try to convince you not to go away, but if you just quit cold turkey on him, and dissappear it might work. You're worth so much, and he's an idiot, you deserve much better. Good luck.
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