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I Want to Try Swinging

Group Therapy: I Want to Try Swinging, but My Boyfriend . . .

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Last night I brought up the idea of swinging to my boyfriend. I casually asked him if he would ever consider 'girlfriend/wife swapping' with me and another couple. At first he seemed really intrigued and I could physically tell he was aroused by the idea, so I got excited that he might actually go for it. I'd like to preface this post by saying that in no way, shape, or form do I want to swing so I can merely sleep with another man. I just think that we've come to a point in our relationship where we are comfortable in trying new things.

I think that this would be exciting for both of us, and knowing men this would be the perfect opportunity for him to experience another woman in a manner that would be okay with me. I finally asked him what he thought and he said "I really like the idea and think it sounds exciting, but I know you and I don't think that you could stand the sight of me with another woman," so I explained that I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't think I could handle it. To which he replied, "okay, it's really that I don't think I could stand the sight of you with another guy."


I completely respected his decision to not do it, but then he had to pull this double standard thing on me and say, "if you wanted to do something like that we could try having a threesome with another girl."

Find out how she reacted here.

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Join The Conversation
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
OK, I clicked on this to see how Bi-Wife would weigh in -- walking outside of monogamy with consent is her deal! And she is no where to be found. I'm so disappointed...
jennerrrrrr jennerrrrrr 4 years
And no it's not controlling its being normal you expect somethin out of the guy and hes feeling youll man up so to sspeak qnd do his fantasy
jennerrrrrr jennerrrrrr 4 years
This seems to be group of filthy fems anyways your bf is correctos if you expect him to do sometgingyiu enjoy then you bet your arsenal your going to fulfill something hes into its common sense
bellinor bellinor 5 years
The best thing for the two of you is to begin with soft swinging where you make love in one room but you do not swap. It is clear that both of you are excited by the idea of having sex with other partners but the obstical is jealousy. Once you have succeeded in getting to know and trust the other couple/s that you soft-swing with you will find that it is quite easy to move to full swap without feeling insecure or jealous. Three-somes - both MMF and FFM, are very stimulating and can greatly enhance your love life but you must feel secure in your relationship. It took my husband and me 15 years before I agreed to a MMF 3some. Today I am actually sorry for my insecurity because I also thought that he wanted to do this in order to jump into bed with other women. It was never the case. It hugely aroused him looking at me having sex with another man. Because he likes it so much, I have started to relax and now both of us enjoy it tremendously and we are in our late fifties. If that is really what you want to do not rush into it. You and your partner must discuss it over and over again until both feel comfortable. Best of luck,
foxylady12012 foxylady12012 5 years
You can visit a swinger dating site and connect with other swingers and see if it's something you like. I use the site [URL=""][/URL] because they tend to have classier members as opposed to the kind of people you might be a little weirded out by. There's nothing wrong with experimenting!
nightfang nightfang 6 years
i had one. this girl i worked with found out i liked girls so she said shed been wanting to let her bf watch her do something with a girl and shed like to try it, so being young and dumb i said ok. bad idea. she got jealous of him looking at me and she burst into tears and had a breakdown, then out of the bedroom they took me out for lunch and a movie one day and she was holding my hand and his hand at the same time an im like woah this is fricking freaky weird this must stop im an leaving a deatail out here where the guy actually snuck off on his gf whilse she was asleep and f$cked me whilst i was semi passed out from too much alcohol. Anyway, point is, its no good. no guy or girl i know thats done it likes it, except for the rich douchebags that do it because in high school they were nerds and couldnt get anyone, but they will never have a real loving relationship. Maybe he was just saying the 3some thing because he knew you wouldnt like it and he wanted to make u jealous because he felt sad at the thought of u sleeping with someone else. not all men want a 3some. my ex bf and my current bf hate the idea of me with another girl. and a lot of guys i know have said that they just want someone who wants to be with them. you need to decide which is more important to you, experimenting or ur relationship, but at the same time, if he seriously is into that double standard shit, i would leave. its very sexist and controlling of him to want all the pleasure and not have u experience anything fun or new for you.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 6 years
I know that you said that this isn't about you wanting to sleep with other men, but it kinda is. Let's be frank here. You love your boyfriend, but you want to do the nasty with other people. Not judging. Just calling a spade a spade. Your boyfriend is only a little open to that. Can't say I totally blame him. In the end, sounds like you both should just keep sleeping with ONLY each other. He doesn't want to see you with another man. It's not a crime. Most men would like to have a three-way with two women. That's not a crime. It's a fantasy. These men also wouldn't want to see their lady with another dude. It's just how it is. Don't get mad. If you are mad, it sounds like there is a bigger issue at hand- like maybe you do not want to have sex with your boyfriend anymore. Long solution short: DON'T SWING. Neither of you sound ready for it.
Dashygurl Dashygurl 6 years
That sounds a little suspicious to me. Do you think for some reason he might be secretly seeing this girl behind your back, Just saying!! Swinging is not something i'm interested in just bc I feel you are asking for trouble, ex. what if he enjoy oppourtunity with the other person so well they decide to become an item, just saying. Becareful of what we bring into out relationship, not alot of men what to think about someone they plan to marry being with random people, and I understand it was a couple thing, but trust to men it doesnt make a difference. I say no swinging, and you two on your own spice it up with toys, and creams, and positions... etc!
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
I think that there are a lot of other ways to spice up your sex life with your partner rather than bringing another person into the bedroom. I can see why swinging can work in some relationships if both partners are completely comfortable with it. I agree with Stephley, why do you say that you suggested doing this for your bf to 'spread his seed'? I think it is more that you were excited by the idea and so suggested it. Even if you are both sexually excited by the idea, it does not necessarily mean that it would be a smart thing to actually do. Sometimes a fantasy just needs to remain a fantasy. I am sure that there are many men out there that would be thrilled to date a girl that is open to swinging. If you are really that into the idea, then find a guy that likes it too. Otherwise I wouldn't recommend trying any sexual behaviour unless both partners are comfortable with the idea. Good luck.
TammyO TammyO 6 years
I think spacekatgal is so right about this one. Can't you guys just look at porn together? At least that way the whole thing is still a fantasy which is healthier to me than introducing a whole lot of unneeded chaos into the reality.
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 6 years
I think Joe is on the mark. He summed it up well. From my pov, I didn't see a double standard. He didn't say you can't have sex with other men but he can. He was just feeling jealous and insecure which is normal. And his threesome fantasy is normal. Everyone has fantasies and you guys shared them. It sounded like he brought up the threesome fantasy because it was the second best thing to swinging; sounded like he wanted to please you. Basically, I can tell he \is not into swinging, and you aren't into f/f/m threesome so no biggie. Just move on from it. If you really want to do it, and he doesn't then don't push him. He will resent you for it. Like Joe said if this is a dealbreaker for you which everyone has and it's all different, then you need to break it off.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
I don't think that either of you are in a position to do either of these things, to be honest. You can't agree and it's already causing tension. Just avoid it, in my opinion.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, Everybody has kinky sexual fantasies -- everybody. It is a very good idea to find out our partner's sexual fantasies and to tell them our fantasies. (And if -- and only if -- we agree, we should do for our partners what they want. Whenever someone demands or forces us into unwanted kinky sex, that is a dealbreaker.) I have more to say on this topic, if you are interrested. In your situation, he does not like your fantasy and you do not like his. Both of you just need to say, "Thanks for telling me your sexual fantasy, I appreciate your honesty and trust in telling me this, but I'm just not into that." I wouldn't worry too much about the double standard problem. A lot of it is just due to his getting jealous. But this may be a dealbreaker for you. (Anything can be a dealbreaker, and if this is a dealbreaker for you, then stick to your guns.) If it is a dealbreaker, then move on.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 6 years
I think that this is a big decision for a couple. If your sig. other doesn't want to do it, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, and I don't think you have the right to be mad at him for this. Swinging isn't for everybody. If it's something you really want to do, you may have to find someone else.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
According to his reaction, this is not something I would push any further unless you are willing to sabotage your relationship with him. His three-way offer is a typical guy fantasy, and perhaps he was trying to work around it like Studio16 said. Maybe he thinks in a female-female-male threesome, he can push her off to the side and still be able to have you. Or it could just be his typical male fantasy coming out to play. Since you respected his decision to opt out of partner-swapping, he should respect your decision to opt out of a threesome. And then I think if you want to keep this relationship, the issue needs to be dropped. If swinging is something you really want out of a relationship, then perhaps you need to find a more sexually compatible partner who is also open to the idea of swinging. But from your boyfriend's reaction, I don't think this will fly well if you put it into play. You don't want a threesome, he doesn't want to swing. That is not an ideal foundation for this type of sexual activity to pan out well. For swinging to be successful in a relationship, both parties need to be VERY on board. WAY on the same page. Otherwise, it's a concoction that will most likely blow up in your face.
TammyO TammyO 6 years
I just would think if I was into swapping partners and group sex then I wouldn't bother to be in a committed relationship in the first place.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
Hey, you asked him what he thought about it and he told you how he honestly feels. Don't blame him for not lying. It's good that he didn't do it to make you happy, only to find out later he hated it. Just don't do it. You asked and he said no. Here's a pretty good article on this
Studio16 Studio16 6 years
Find a guy who IS into swinging? Look, I don't think it was a double standard. I think he was trying to compromise. For all you know, if the f/m/f threesome did go down, he might have just had sex with you and pushed the other girl off to the side. I don't think he was trying to be like, "Cool, I'mma have sex with another girl and make you watch. But you can't have sex with guys." But I'm biased. I would never even bring up the subject of a threesome with my significant other. I'm hardly a prude, but there's just something strange about wanting to bring a third person into a relationship that's doing just fine with two.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Maybe you're not sexually compatible. If you need to 'swing', date a swinger.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 6 years
If you're not into a threesome, you just need to be honest with him about it. Try not to make him feel bad for suggesting what, in his mind (probably), was a compromise. You were honest with him about wanting to swap, and he was honest back. Try not to think about it in terms of who gets to have "their fun". It should be fun for both of you. It sounds like the only thing that is going to make you happy is for you to get to sleep with another man but your BF is not okay with that. This is only going to lead to trouble if you pursue it. I was friends with a married couple who went through something similar. The wife wanted an open relationship, the husband didn't, but loved his wife. He ended up agreeing to something he wasn't comfortable with because he wanted to make her happy. He began to resent her for it. He felt like he shouldn't be jealous, but felt jealous anyway, which lead to fighting, and eventually they broke up. Not all open/swinging relationships end badly, obviously, but you have hit a wall. Break it down to what will make both of you happy: You want to experience another man, and he has a problem with that. That is the dealbreaker. Is there something else you can try to spice things up, or is bringing other people into it the only way you can see getting out of your rut? If that is the case, you have to be real about what you really want and why.
KeLynns KeLynns 6 years
I'm not sure I understand what the problem is. You told him that it wouldn't bother you to see him with another woman. So now he asked if you could have a threesome with another woman and you get angry about it? You JUST told him that it wouldn't bother you! I don't think it's a double standard at all. He was honest and told you that he didn't want you with another man. And you say you respect that. But you told him that you wouldn't mind seeing him with another woman, even AFTER he respectfully assumed that you wouldn't like it. So then he goes by what you told him and you're mad?
LouLou12 LouLou12 6 years
I took a Human Sexuality Class in college, and this was a big subject we discussed. We had to read an excerpt from a book where a man had researched swinging, and I wish I could remember the name of it because it was extremely interesting. It isn't called swinging anymore, those who participate in it call it the "Lifestyle," and there is a HUGE convention every year in Las Vegas. The man who wrote the book traveled to the convention and interviewed quite a few couples for research. Surprisingly, it is one of the safest environments you could meet someone to sleep with, if one woman feels uncomfortable, the whole thing is off, because when you think about it, it all rests in the hands of EVERYONE feeling comfortable, and if they don't, the whole thing can fall apart. In larger cities they have clubs you can go to, and you HAVE to be a part of a couple, and there are bouncers all around making sure people aren't doing anything "shady." The couples this man interviewed were in extremely healthy and close relationships, most had families, were PTA members, and held great jobs. But they had such open relationships that they were completely comfortable with each other. There wasn't a lot of pent up tension, there wasn't jealousy, they knew it was purely sexual. I really wish I could remember this book because while I've never considered participating in "the lifestyle" it really lifts ANY and ALL stereotypes one may have about people who do!
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