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I Work With My Married Boyfriend

"I'm Dealing With Work Drama Because of My Married Boyfriend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I just found out the guy I've been dating for six months is married. We work at the same place and I'll spare you guys of all the signs I missed and how dumb I was to overlook all the warning signs. But, I've found out he is now and also that he has been blabbing our sex life all over the workplace and bragging about sleeping with me behind his wife's back. He doesn't know I know yet. I am wondering now how to shut him up. I now have his wife's name, their address, and their home phone number. I also have all the texts we've ever exchanged and pictures from a recent weekend getaway we took. I'm wondering now if I should confront him and threaten him with this information in order to shut him up or any other ideas on how to get him to stop blabbing.  I don't want to actually tell his wife because there are kids involved and I don't want to be responsible for breaking up their home and causing her heartache since she is an innocent party in all this. I've learned a valuable lesson from this and will never date in the workplace again but for my sanity and comfort at work. How do I make this stop?

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Going to your HR is an absolute necessity, if your workplace has one. I hope the people who are telling you are willing to back you up, if not do it anyway. HR will have a "we don't know what is happening but this is what we heard. To be sure let's just go over the company rules..." It will scare the bejebus out of him for you. The challenge in telling her is you are probably out for revenge now, very understandably. If I were her, I'd want to know. But is there anyone you know who knows her well and can be an intermediary? I think that would be the most kind approach. She's being exposed to STDs, and so are you. Safe sex even isn't 100%. Don't threaten him though, you do not want to put yourself in harm's way. He may not be able to take responsibility for what he's doing and may lash out at you instead, making you the person who is wronging him and his family. You know him better than anyone here. If you think there is a possibility you could be physically hurt, do not take matters in your own hands.
Silje Silje 5 years
Def. agreeing with Noelle here! And let him deal with being an asshole to his wife and you all by himself. The truth will come out eventually. 
Noelle3310239 Noelle3310239 5 years
If I were you, I would go to HR and explain the situation. Tell them that you were dating him, had NO idea he was married, and now he is spreading information about your private relationship around the office which you do not appreciate. I would not mention the texts or other information you have, that is not going to help you in this situation. HR can have someone talk to him on your behalf. I would not get his wife involved especially since kids are involved... there's no reason to cause her any pain and she may not respond well to you even if you didn't realize he was married.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 5 years
His wife is an innocent party in all of this who probably deserves to know the truth, that she is living with a liar, cheater and a good for nothing ass hole who thinks its cool to brag about cheating on her!. You may not want to come across as the woman who wrecks it all, but the truth is he wrecked it himself - you didn't know he was married because he is a LIAR!. You shouldn't use your evidence of you two being involved together as a way to 'shut him up', you should use it to save her from this man that is treating her so poorly. I must strongly disagree with the first comment on here, about it being 'easy'. This is by no means an easy situation, especially with him telling all your work colleagues and having to see him all the time. It doesn't really matter if you 'dob' on him now, because he has already told everyone and news like that spreads quick in a work environment. It might even cause further embarrassment for you if you continue to talk about it. You are right, it's not always wise to date people from work because it can cause big problems later on. I would keep the ignoring up and not even bother officially dumping him. Only talk to him about work related stuff and tell him you don't want to see him anymore outside of work or discuss anything that isn't work related and leave it at that.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Good to hear, I see so many girls who wait around for weeks, months, years after finding stuff like this out because they have such poor self-esteem/self-respect. Definitely a smart idea to calm down, get your ducks in a row, and then dump the douche. And definitely take this up with HR before he can get an opportunity to try and retaliate for dumping him. Good luck, the hard part is now moving on. Dealing with having been duped isn't always so much about them hurting you, but a lot of beating up on yourself for not having noticed/been smarter/etc. Don't let an extremely good liar make you think you did something wrong. Without knowing the details, I'm guessing that most of the hints weren't exactly obvious unless you're looking back in hindsight. Even if they were obvious at the time, just take this as a learning experience and remember life doesn't have a cut-and-dried rulebook. Sadly, we don't get to mentally download Dating & Relationships 101 when we turn 18 or anything.
leggz34 leggz34 5 years
I just found out 2 days ago & haven't said much to him, but he just thinks I'm mad & giving him the silent treatment for one reason or another. Oh it's definitely over!! I just wanted to know my options & take time to calm down because when I'm angry I tend to fly off the handle & go crazy. And I would've done just that if I confronted him with it as soon as I found out.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Easy, you dump him and talk to HR about him sexually harassing you at work. Even when you're in a consensual relationship with someone, they do NOT have the right to tell other people at work what you're like in bed or even that they're getting in your pants. He is creating a hostile work environment for you where people will lose respect for you and not want to work with you. You have the power to stop this, but you have to be decisive and don't dawdle. Why didn't you dump him the moment you found out he was cheating on his wife with you? Why didn't you dump him the moment you realized your entire relationship has been based on a lie? Why didn't you dump him the moment you found out he was blabbing about sleeping with you to coworkers? Seriously? Why weren't these things enough for you to break it off with him already? Why is it even a question as to what to do with this relationship? Sorry to be blunt, but it seems you've missed all the subtle things.
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